Sunday, February 21, 2016


It's the 4th week of breathing the air of incessant inner pressure.

I'm doing a sprint run to finish my reading assignment. And today's reading renders me emotional. It couldn't be helped that I was zoned-off for couple of moments and channeled to elusiveness.

"It is not surprising that the first article of the Majallah Al Ahkam Al Adliyyah (the Civil Code of the Ottoman Empire) endorses the idea that man is social by nature and that social life is essential to him"

Perfecto. And if by man it meant me, a human being; doesn't it indicate that I'm violating my nature of turning to a social reclusive now?
And if social life is essential to me, why I can't seem to spark any conversational dialogue with anyone here. I'm losing that part of me. I'm losing my essentials (that, according to Al-Majallah)

"He cannot live in solitude"

But I find peace in it. Not having to make new friends only to lose them one day. I'm doing alright adjusting to long-distance friendship with my old peeps.
Well Mr Majelle, what do you mean actually by living in solitude?
Is not-favouring-new-company-nor-friend considered one?

"But is in need of co-operation with his fellow men in order to promote urban society. Every person, however, seeks the things which suit him and is vexed by any competition" 

What urban society he's implying here? Cant an urban society be developed just by human co-operating one another to some limited touch of contacts and speech? Does we really need to be psychologically clicked to other human?
If I am really vexed by any competition, I would sit restless right now. But again you heard me, I'm doing fine buying my 'Aloneness' and 'Iamness'

However psychopath it might sound to you (and to me when I actually read my own entry), I still need people around me. Likewise a dependancy to propel life forward. I couldn't survive on my own. Surrounding people is of a prime significance otherwise I wouldn't know where to buy my FMA textbook, cashing my money and also other whereabouts. But their significance is limited to that, to serve our necessity and not to invade our secluded self-privacy.

My other problem erupts when tonight I'll be going public for the talk.
No, I'm not ready to enter the spectre of public entrance.

Keep me beneath your comforter and smother me with lullaby.


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

New chapter

Writing while waiting for Kakak at IKEA Cheras. Waiting can surely develop some non-dismissible thoughts. If there's one thing I learnt, that is it. 

A week already progressed since the first day I registered here; 

IIUM Institute of Islamic Banking and Finance, IIUM Gombak. 

It was a dramatic decision for me to agree in enrolling myself into studying again. This all came arouse from the discussion I had with my parents about my distaste to what I've studied in my previous degree. It might due to a) a long gap and leisure b) the discovery of new passion c) just, this cute thing that we always couldnt cease to run away from called; laziness 

Fast forward, 
Though still shouldering flustered and confounded feeling, I tried to muster up my courage to decide something in my life. After long night of gallivanting and contemplating (and crying, lol), I made up my mind and agree to register for this programme. (Drama queen sangat, nak register masters je pun...) 

Abah gave me several philosophical ultimatum, eg a) if I want to do this, why? b) how I even define 'choices' in life c) try at least to figure out what kind of person I want to become d) if I dont want to do this, is it because i) i want to change to other programme or ii) I have another unspoken concerns 

Honestly I couldnt come up with any answer, so it was beneath the threshold of my consciousness that I replied; because of financial concerns. Which Abah smirked at and yeah, it didnt merit any significant remark to him. 

I somehow was stucked in this imaginative long thread and strand of polka dots that didn't have an exact point to link them together. I was chucked into this continuum of my own mind and couldn't find exits. 

Figuring out what I want to become. 

Just like I didn't even try to hypothetically visualize. But it seems the more I stretch my hand to reach an undistorted image, the premonition seems to pull out its hand from reaching mine. It is unclicked. We became nothing nearer but to create more distance. The more I try, nothing came but a fatal error. 

However the scene was, I'm already here so guys, I survive the first week ;D 

It's going to be a tough journey ahead. Plenty of journals, mountains of reading I have to complete, tonnes of assignments dued, so it kinda reducing the amount of time for me to overthink anything overthinkable. 

(Shessh, this CNY holiday I've been contemplating again! Though I have to do some reading. Haha) 

I don't want any triviliaties come ripping out my inner self to shreds. I'm doing well in adjusting my self now. Today is enough to spur my motivation and aint gonna let it wavered. 

At the end of the day, regardless how confused I am, I was, I will be; I know myself better, I will focus on the balls on my hands right now. I'm still the old me, whose spirit of getting the best in what she's currently doing is engraved in her (hope so, insyaallah) 

So people, pray for my masters study okay. I can't promise if I can devise a fullstopping mechanism to my incessant dramatic whines and scenic events here, because I'm that, inserting dramatic flairs to any possible avenues, but what I'm sure about is; 

this is what on my dish now; although other menu looks tempting and admirable, I will devour what lies upon my eyes now, and patch myself altogether to keep fit and healthy, otherwise; I will suffer from indigestion! Hahaha screw me with my ludicrous attempt of forming good sentences. Okay dah cukup nadiyah

In the name of Allah, untie the knot of my tongue, heart and mind. Rabbi zidni ilman warzuqni fahma

Say Ameen