Find yours.

Hello there! Hows life?

So I think I'm going to write a bit while waiting for Abah and for Maghrib to come

"Hows life?" 

Don't you think that this question is hardest to answer? No? 

For me, providing answers, for any questions even, is very much relative and dependent on who are we corresponding with. Although we are compelled to tell the truth, or being in such enigmatic to tell the world how happy we are, or to shout to people how drained we are; we couldn't really bluntly give replies without caring for our correspondent's situation and where they are coming from

I've been in several difficult situation of which I struggled to find a good reply to this question

To people miring in such a struggling life phase, no matter how happy we are and no matter how eager we are to share our happiness; showing to them our joy would only adding more salt to an open wound. A wound that is far from healing, and aches even more if no duly care is applied. 

In public sphere, we might not know who are our audiences, or we might know but we chose to be oblivious; so posting our joy is similar to slicing the hard truth into their throat of "look at this happiness that you can just dream to have" 

To our superiors, we ought to display a positive disposition and in no way to paint such lethargic and negative person. Although we are battling against ourselves to love what we're doing, to be pumped up in every dragging day; we can't just say that in their face, all to spare our life and position (and pockets) 

To our parents, they already had enough of us pestering them. It's time for them to enjoy their gold moments of not having to worry about their kids anymore. So we can't really sigh on each moment and expect them to lift the burden for us. Adults got to carry their own load. 

To some selected friends, perhaps the best way to foster continuous good communication is to not bragging, although our initial innocent intention was just to tell. But they might not perceive and see us the same in their eye, clouded by their own perception. Don't worry, I'm not talking about you. Just, in general form of friends exist in anyone's social atmosphere  

So to whom, to whom we're displaying ourselves in our truest crudest form, in such undisclosed skeleton that we will afraid for people to know? To whom we are not afraid of exposing our mess that exist underneath our "perfect" life? To whom we would not be afraid to be judged? To whom we can open up old wound to heal them and apply the right prescription. 

They are the person we are in our vulnerable disposition with. They are the person we are in our highest intellectual capacity with. They are the person we finally concur that human has their emotional exposition. They are the person we are not afraid of giving our honest and true dispense. They won't flip it on you and they won't, instead of making us feel comfortable and better, they reason why we should not feel the way we felt and undermine our feeling. 

So when they ask me, how's life? 

The truest answer is to be given.. to them. 

For you who are still in the quest, I know you will eventually reach there. 

:) 

A whole new world

Nearly striking 25 years of living, I’d always chart a conscious mental imagination on how I would prefer my day/life to turn to be. 

Prior sitting for a big exam in high school, I’d display an imaginary timeline on what my life would be like if I secure the coveted straight As and getting a scholarship. 

Prior graduating and during my race against time in completing my thesis, I’d furnish the mental supplement to my mind on how eased and settled my life would be if I get the work done in the given deadline. 

Prior going through a big event where I was assigned a specific function, I’d picture first how the day would be and already mustered preliminary strength and mental preparation to encounter a bad day.

Prior exploring the work life, I’d imagine myself being in the position and attempted to steer the path as to swerve any unpleasant hill or unfavorable fork. 

And somehow that is what drives me forward and how I survive my day-to-day life. 

Of course in those unfortunate days, I will feel dejected because the day or the dream didnt unfold the way I hoped it to be. But the very least, I already prepare myself a threshold of what could be said as a bad day and a good day. (Fyi bad days happen a lot and I just went for an icecream binge or the treadmill to sweat the problem off- temporary solution I know haha) 

But 

You know

One thing that I can never, ever, chart an imaginary picture in my mind is how I would be if I ever get married 

Whenever the topic ventured, my mind seems to be blocking it and refuse to decipher a syntax of what it usually capable to do. Nevertheless, as the day drew closer, the mind somehow can assimilate to the idea and adapt the reality 

And we are today. The day my mind has no choice but to accept that this is the whole new world for it, for me, for my partner, and for everyone. 

Who is the guy? I spare it later for the next post I think. I got questioned a lot, to which the FAQs can be summarized into 2 words: “Why Him?” 

Up till now, I still cant imagine how I will be in the new world. I sensed a smell of fear, of course. I always got scared of not being able to be the best. That is my daily struggle. But marriage is different. Which, is an issue as well. Because it is not something that my self is accustomed to, everyday. 

I know life will be much different, and in a way, much profound and wonderful after this. Say Amen. 

I pray to God to cleanse my heart of any incarnated evil, and I pray may this life is filled with bless and happiness, as this is what my next stage is seeking for. 

Someone’s definitely sleepy tomorrow. It’s 2:40 am now zz

Till then, 

Puan Nadiyah, in few hours; who has successfully burnt a (tiny) hole on the veil while ironing it just now. 

Well yea I tried to convince myself that it is really a tiny hole. Haha 

And the fact that it is Orked’s, haha iDie. 

Nadiyah and drama is indispensable, inseparable. Lol. 

Night. 

What's ahead?

Perhaps this Disney's Aladdin song resonates best to my feeling now

Unbelievable sights

Indescribable feelings

Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling

Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world 

A hundred thousands things to see

I'm like a shooting star

I've come so far

I can't go back

To where I used to be 

A whole new world 

Every turn's a surprise 

With new horizons to pursue 

Well, that fits best I think. 

As much there are so many things that are not meant to be, there are also things that are meant to be. 

I dont know where this will head me to, 

But what I know is I'm already, here. 

Pray for the best,

nadsnyi 

15th April 2017 

Car hit drama

3, 2, 1 dumm

So yesterday I hit a car. Yes I freaking hit a car. I wasnt looking at my phone, I wasnt sleeping tho yes I was a bit sleepy. I was simply eating cookies and singing to fend off my sleepiness in the midst of the congested MRR2. 

I never find myself in such vulnerability. I exited my car to meet the driver of the car I just bumped into. Luckily he wasnt that cold blooded, and humbly admitting his fault of sudden brake. But the law prevails, I am still at fault of not observing the distance of two cars. There's no point for me to justify this very hand that navigating the steering 

And the situation was so chaotic. You know, there's always those people to benefit from other people's fragility and hardship. People who claimed to be insurance adjuster, car repair from the workshop and people who just offering to help. It was utterly confusing. It's like being gradually pushed to the edge and you're at the brink of fall.

Then I permitted to get into my car and make a call. This is where the problem didnt seem to recede and afloat furthe: I dont know whom to call for. I dont have any relatives in KL, my guy friendss probably not anywhere near. I pressed my phone so hard in my palm. I was at the verge of tears. I phoned my parents but to no answer from the other side. Just about then I suddenly recall that kakak is in town now. I called my sister and exited my car to meet the small crowd that of no benefit but to bring more headache

It was a small car hit, happens everywhere along the MRR2. But the vulnerability dwelling inside of me that chose to physically appear at that very moment- is what makes me so low. I cried in the car because I was clueless of what to do, I feel so alone and in need of a familiar hand to help. And that, is what totally confounding. In my 23 years of life, I never find myself in such state of feeling that I couldnt stand on my own. I was defeated by my own emotion and it left me blank. I always see myself as a person who has herself all the time. Though I am a girl with emotion flooding her self, I will eventually steer my mind to have a stance and surmount the emotional flood

But yesterday, my own self that is supposed to function as the default saviour, is only dragging me lower. I couldnt even think. Blurry vision, clamped head. It seems I was left stumped and numbed. Bagging a muddled up feeling, I just hoped that the hard rain will wash away my teary face. I took this feeling as an unnecessary emotional litters. And that is the problem. 

Because when nubhan and kakak arrived, the strength that previously depleted has been recovered. I can confront with those people and be stern that I want to wait for my Takaful agent to direct me to which workshop and which towtruck. It was just that simple girl. That simple. 

Guess that I came to know myself even deeper yesterday. The side of me that suddenly unleashed, I should get it in control and position it in a better stability. This muddles wouldnt get any better if I just ignore the fact that I am that. 

After the incident, mom called and told me that my dad is on his way to KL for a teaching class in UTM. Straight away I joined him here, just to feel more emotionally secured and stable. And dad, being dad, he didnt mention a word about the accident and just told me to sleep and rest. Just this morning he asked about the incident and his remark is expected: MRR2 memang selalu ada accident, anyone boleh get into a hit with each other and it's just a matter of time untuk kita pulak kena. Hahaha. K. That soothes me a bit, maybe it's really my turn lol 

Now guys. Pray for my myvi to discharge from the workshop ward soon. 

It's never a fault of being a girl, 

Because in the end, you are a girl. 

It's never a hurt to feel in need of a shoulder and hand, 

The left of your body always needs his right part to complement stability 

It's never a sin to be fragile,

Because without such delicacy, 

You are never you. 

You are a human after all, 

nadsnyi xx 

8th April 2017 

Ps: so it costs me a car hit to know myself better aite? Isnt there any lesson cheaper than this? I want to subscribe to a more affordable one. Haha. 

Un-lock

You know what, recently I feel a bit loosening off the screw

My heart aches, some sadness vibes crept in. But for the first time since forever, it seems like there's a dead end. 

Need more time for myself. 

Hello 2017

Hello 2017.

Final exam for my second semester just ended, dramatically well. I don't wanna highlight on those. Nothing more I hope for, but success, Ameen.

Anticipating new year, unfolding a new chapter of life; I want to tell you a story, a story that has changed my perspective on Rezeki and Doa, and the prophecy of just shoot your best bullet then leave the rest to Allah.

I mentioned before that I went for a scholarship interview for ISRA Shariah Scholarship, which I reinstated more than twice that I was not satisfied with my own performance, there's so many things that I think I still fall short. Notwithstanding that, I did secure the offer. Alhamdulillah. This happened in February.

Retuning time to August, I attended one seminar organised by my junior in Jordan discussing the preambles and introductory of Islamic Banking and Finance in Malaysia. I was invited to moderate a closing forum in the evening, but I decided to participate from the beginning for one purpose; to meet the speaker of the first session, which happened to be one of the panel interviewer during my ISRA scholarship interview. I remembered her being a very strict lady and bombarded me with lots of provoking questions, of which exactly the reason why I was not satisfied with my performance springs from. I planned to greet her after the session ended, but what turned out to happen, was never in my book of plans.

During her talk, I darted my whole focus. Of course, she's a lady of charisma and wisdom. Her English articulation, and her conversant on the subject matter really attracts me. Then there's this one intersperse, when she asked the audience "So does anyone have any questions? Do you agree with me?" of which only the air of the aircond rattling against the wind that only answered her forward. An expression of dissatisfaction translated in her face, I can sense that. But I didn't want to voice out anything because the programme is dedicated for my juniors. Heaving a release, she said: "Being an Islamic Finance student, you shouldn't just accept everything you've been fed. You have to challenge what you hear, you have to question what you read"

I nodded. Yes. That is definitely her proposition and advocate. She told me the same during the interview. I leaned back, a position to comfortably listen to what she wants to say more on the advocate.

"You know, I once interviewed a student for a scholarship offer. I think she studied Jordan before. You should know her, unless she's much of a senior ahead. At first she told us, during the interview, everything good about the Islamic Finance development in Malaysia. Then I challenged her asking; we don't want to know that. All of that, of course we know. We are among the people who developed that. But what's beyond that? Whats your take on everything that has been contended and developed?..."

A switch flicked. Meh. That sounds so familiar. I straightened up my back, a strange surge gushing in me. Head tilted, eyes squinted. This is utterly, like a rewind of February.

"..After we bombarded her with lots of question, then she started to show us her criticalness. Only then she started to open up and challenging the development back. She made a comparison on what she studied in Jordan and what she sees during her study in Malaysia. She's a very bright student. Because of that attribute and quality, we decided to offer her the scholarship award.."

At this point, Syaima who was sitting in front, texted me "Akak, Dr cakap pasal akak ke?"
I too, was very confused. Could it possible for another person to have that exactly, similar dialogue and conversation with the panel interviewer? Perhaps there's another person, in a parallel universe, shares the same thinking with me and also studied in Jordan. Jordan is not confined to only Yarmouk, anyway.

"...and she's doing her PhD now"

Phew. That wasn't me. But I left in awe how such coincidence could possibly float. And apparently it happened.

So after the session ended, I proceed to my initial intention to approach her. I was quite stuttered, got nervous a bit. Haha, it feels like meeting the man of the dream. K. Introducing myself a bit to her, then she said:

"Ha you lah I mentioned about just now. So how are you hows your study?"

"Oh, but i'm doing my master not PhD"

"Really? Ok that was a mistake, I pun tak ingat"

.....

At times when I feel deficient, degraded by my own self-created limitation and emotion, I will replay this particular scene and indulge, not on an excessive self pride, but rather on the fact that I'm worth of something. So I have to shine and delight myself out of that potential. Don't demean your self, don't invalidate your worth.

The narrative didn't stop there.

I was planning to apply for Research Assistant position in ISRA, I believe that being RA there will benefit my exposure in the real of academic research and writing, and it is suitable avenue for me to grasp more in the knowledge of Shariah and banking fraternity. I contacted my relative who happened to work there as one of the senior researcher, and then waited if there's any researcher needing for RA to contact me.

One day when I was buried in my tonnes of assignments and submissions, I got an email from the very Dr whose story I just narrated above. She sent me an email to offer me to be part of the team for one of ISRA inaugural project regarding to one policy instructed by BNM. I shuddered. What more when she said that any person to fit in this position should undergo an interview by the panel, of which I could bypass because she has interviewed me before and she's okay with me, and would like to have me onboard.

Again. It was the interview, which on my perspective wasn't a something that I could be proud of, that do me good the second time.

----
Henceforth, I contemplated on how the fate works. How such unfathomable event could lead, in one way or another, to such event that never crossed my mind that it would ever occur. Every thing in life is interconnected, and what seems to be unsurmountable is indeed easy with the Divine intervention.

I couldn't ask for more.
He gave me so much in this short span of my masters journey. The journey is yet to end anyway, but I'm blessed for all the pebbles of wisdom that I've collected throughout the path paved by Him.
I ask for all the strength to be mustered up, for me to keep going forward.

So guys. Here's the end. And here's to a resolution that I've never done before.
To believe in my potential and capabilities. To stop degrading myself and keep polishing what is there awaiting to shine and sparkle.

When people say you're good in your spoken sense, say to yourself, okay yes and I need to improve more by practising way ahead.
When people say you're good in brainstorming ideas for project, okay yes and I need not to despair that I'm such a shortsighted lady and divested of any brilliant ideas. Keep digging more to provide better insights.
When people say you're good in critical thinking, okay yes and keep reading, analysing more.
When people say you're pretty, okay and stop staring at your reflection in the mirror saying "are those people blind or what?"
When people say you're funny, okay stop whispering to self that those people are just mudah terhibur.
When people acknowledge your potential and capabilities, don't drag yourself down by saying "they don't hellish know what I'm struggling inside". Seize it.

What people see in you is a captive of what you projected to them. Yes, true.
But that doesn't mean that you're such a counterfeit.
You, matter.
You, are worth of something.

On top of that, don't get estopped from continuously reading, enriching yourself with knowledge even more and more, blend well with the environment so you won't get lost in your own maze, don't feel comfortable being smothered by your own self overthinking, don't kill yourself by your own hands, keep on practising to write, keep on trying, don't halt your effort to do well and don't ever stop, being yourself.

Stop whining that you are not enough.
You will never be. Just get off of your self inferiority, and improve.

Give room for your happiness.
You too, deserve to be happy.

Allah's sustenance is there for us. Never question the Rezeki, you just have to do your part. If it seems to not be happening now, it will later unfold somewhere later on.

When we're talking about Takdir, perhaps, it'd be easier for us human to have understood it better if there's some initial exposition of the background scene on how it will intersect our life. The least, we will wonder when things will eventually unravel. We will never stop questioning when our effort and the fate will intertwine.

And that my dear, remains mystery.
Everything we do warrants a worth in the eyes of God.

2017: is The Year.
Semoga Tuhan kuatkan hati dalam berusaha, teguhkan tapak kaki untuk terus berjalan.

till then loves.
nadsnyi xx

how

I'm about to hit the send button.

For people who are unfortunate enough to know me, they would aware that my basis in any decision I make is my parents. I won't chart any preferences curve, nor I'd craft my own decision-making mechanism upfront, until I know what my parents have in mind about the matter in concern. Only then I will have the trajectory needed for making a decision

And more often than not, the confluence of me preferring a choice and parents' predisposition- rarely to coincide and happen. I'm not sure if I am a failed product of theirs, unlike my sisters, or I'm just having my specific stand on everything. And the feeling, sucks.

I struggle to get positive vibes coming from mom's nuances of meaning, I will attentively listen to each off-tuned vibration in every possible ramification, to take into consideration in deciding something. And that is what I live for. As a daughter, whose life is dedicated for her parents' blessing, I fight my emotion for that. So whenever I'm being stood upon a junction of choices ahead of me, usually I will ask them "umi, macam mana? abah rasa macam mana? aya tak kisah"

At this point you might be saying, come on girl get a life. You live with your decision. Anything that you say, you'll be the one taking the liability for it. Even though there wouldn't be a high harmony between what you prefer and what your parents' thinking, it's your life anyway.

It's my life.
But my life encompassing theirs.
I don't want to jeopardise my future at the cost of not being totally blessed and resigned.

And to make a decision for such a lifelong investment like this, my heart quivered. I was tuck in between. Between what I know my preference and what I'm aware of my parents' inclination. I don't blame them. I also want the best for myself. But this fear of resorting into a wrong decision........ engulfing me so much I could barely breathe. I'm not sure if my preference is even a feasible one. Viable enough to bring along for a decision involving such a serious concern of future and beyond?

What lies ahead in the future seems bleak and clouded. I cried my heart out to God who knows every flicker of my heartbeat. This dilemma is too overwhelmingly confusing. Oh God. Help.

But I'm a grown up. I must have my own deliberation to court a decision.

And that is why.

Bismillah.

Sent. 

Skytrex honeymoon

Approximately last two weeks, it was public holiday commemorating the Malaysia Day. So in anticipation to that, we (initially comprising of me and Jannah only) planned to venture into something we rarely do other than eating and talking and and and. Primarily it was a plan of weekend getaway, questing for the calm breeze of unpoluted air somewhere in Port Dickson. But we decided to forgo that plan because it was too last minute for us. Plus, both of us are dread of driving. We just dont wanna do roads. Haha. Still, planning for outdoor activities is a must, want to drench some sweat and have some fresh oxygen.  

So there we were. Skytrex in Taman Botani Shah Alam. Mind you it was just less than 10 minutes driving from Jannah's house so it was unbelievably smart idea I'd say. The priority was no long driving hours involved. 

Guess we could say we got what we searched for. On top of managed to satisfy the preliminary objective of getting drenched in sweat and breathing the fresh air, we also bring back to home the backache and swollen wrist as the result of exerting extra pressure on the wrong part of hand during the flyingfox adventure. 

We laughed a lot and happily shouting to each other in that jungle. Oh did I mention Afza also joined us, so she was kinda thirdwheeling us whose plan is to name this outing as a honeymoon. Haha sorry Afza :p 

Actually. This post is dedicated to Jannah. Here's some words I wouldnt be able to verbalize because of the speechlessness we had today.  

This phase of life is strangely new to you, the kind of emotion you have to weather would not be as silky smooth and stable. Like I said, you'll experience series of accidentally bursting into an honest tears that you started questining yourself; am I demonstrating a very weak person for crying this much, or am I pictured as an extremely pathetic person of planting my feet on this depressional and frustrational ground for too long, or am I too attached that I nearly couldnt get a grip of myself?

Just remember the clicker that we used during our skytrex ventures. Remember how it should be clicked and unclicked on the right panel so many times everytime we are about to embark the new adventure. Thats how life's treated. It's all about clicking and unclicking. Know when to patch yourself, and know when to detach from something that we really need to do, regardless how attracted we were of the previous phase; both are aimed for one dart- to shift from one step to another, which surely brings us to the happy end when we know that we are going to have our meatball binge after we completed the 18 "trials" of skytrex :D 

And remember. 

If Allah can flourish the feeling inside of you, then He has all the power to unroot it. There will abundant of moments that you'd say you're ok to comfort yourself and to others asking, but when you delve deep into yourself, you know how a wrecked ship you are. Don't worry, treasure the hurt. 

Things will get mellower.

The hurt will subside eventually that only time could answer. 

May fate fares us better 

Just remember the date of today, 

Thats how you count your milestones :) 

Your always honeymoon date,

nadiyah xx 

23

I didnt post any entry in regards to 16th August, just like what I usually did for the previous years. So here it is to compensate the feeling :) 

Being 23 is just another change in number when you want to introduce your age. I'm not quite sure it is a progression or regression if I say that as I get older, the more confused I am as a person. Of course as we ventured into another phase of age and maturity, we are bound to meet with a whole lot different life conventions. Due to that perhaps it requires a more rationale and less-cluttered self. 

And I've become reserved, clueless as how to say what my mind speaks, puzzled as how to solve my heart's whisper. Ah. I guess as you aged, your emotion is compelled to be more complicated to decipher. 

Anyhow, i do have some resolutions hehe. It might sound a lil bit trivial, but I'm joyed to list them down :D

1) stay focus when you're driving. You can let your mind drifted elsewhere at your discretion, but you sure do want to spare some regrets.

2) dont sing out loud. Your voice is a disaster. You dont want to bring misery to people around you. And yourself of course on top of all people. 

3) yes you know you've become better when it comes to parallel parking. But dont parade it much very proudly because you know, as soon as you bask in pride that is the moment of your downfall. You've experienced this. And the cost of repair is exhausting not a petty amount of your money that is not that much to begin with

4) read more and moreee. Even when you are in the mood of self contemplation. Read. Try imagining how the book feels when you leave him untouched and unappreciated. Gitu kan dah ada jantina buku aku

5) if you want to feel intimidated in front of your colleague, mull it over during your personal time. Dont translate it to your face. Chin up. Be confident although God knows how you can stutter a lot and shiver as if your heart is a winter season. You can be better than you ever think

6) dont distance yourself from kitchen and cooking utensils. Even it has to be just washing dishes routine

7) be a fashion police to yourself. As a kickstart, forget about wearing unmatched colour of baju and tudung. If you ever did, penalize yourself. You dont know when you'll come across your life destiny. Ewah motivation dia hahaha

So. 

Happy birthday Nadiyah.

I still dont forget you. 

And I wont ever :) 

Till then xx 

purple rose

Last night, I grabbed a novel that I've read for more than 10 times already. But every different time I read it, different feeling whispers. So as my lullaby, I dared myself to listen to my old playlist comprising of those nostalgic melodies and familiar lyrics, fraught with many subtle meaning associated to my past life memories. Because letting myself to involve in those rhythm equates placing myself back to my old days.

Sweet pain. 

Full of remorse. 

Love and hate. 

Floating on the road divergences. 

Confused. 

Too young. 

And puzzled. 

Again by Lenny Kravitz 

At every time I've always known

That you were there, upon your throne

A lonely queen without her king

All of my life

Where'd you been

I wonder if I'd ever see you again?

Home is where the heart is by Mcfly 

Home is where the heart is

It's where we started 

Where we belong  

Hard times come easy by Richie Sambora 

And the heart finds a reason

And the love always seems find a way

Even it hurts

Save me by Embrace 

You're looking down that telescope from the only end you know

When life is big and we're still close 

Everybody gets a second go

Everybody gets another go

Gives you hell by All American Rejects 

When you see my face 

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell 

When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see what you've done to me

You can take back your memories they're no good to me

Your guardian angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Now that I'm strong I have figured out 
How the world turns cold and it breaks through my soul 
And I know I can be the one
I will never let you fall 

Silhouette by Owl City 

I sick of the past I can't erase

A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace 

A mountain of things I still regret

Is a vile reminder that I would better just forget

Ikhlas tapi jauh by VE
All time favourite :D

-------

I really had a fair share of your good lover, insidious partner and helplessly romantic song on the queue. At least I can tell my kids one day that I had a vile yet sweet memory of thinking herself that she had fallen in love. Too young too dumb to realise. Got it. Thank you Bruno Mars. Also the lyrics of: Tell the devil I say hey when you get back to where you're from. Hahaha.

Just when I thought the playlist was ending, then popped the song that would be the last song I'd ever choose to listen again. 

When you say nothing at all by Ronan Keating. 

Shoot. 

One shot of bullet goes straight to the heart. 

Bleed. 

the one year

I was meaning to post this on 3rd of July, commemorating the first anniversary of my last departure from Jordan bound to Kuala Lumpur, marking an end of my undergraduate life. It has been a meaningful one year, getting closer to my own self and figuring out life. It is uncannily mystifying to unbox every folded and wrapped gifts of life, but it is always a satisfaction to me.

So now I'm a Master's student, which I decided to enrol after 6 months haywired with lots of dilemmas. The conflict is not what I'm going to pinpoint here anyway. This post is to recapitulate what happened in this one year! Rollllllll~

1) First 2 months in Malaysia was not a total hype of people asking every angle and notch on earth whether I'm starting working or not. This was due to the month of Ramadan--perhaps people were too flushed to even bother and Syawal--when people were focusing their life in attending weddings. Eh no, I did receive some questions on work and after-grad plans, but nah it didn't really leave effects on me.

2) I started to survey on potential job vacancies on internet but none of them enticed me to deposit my CV. I couldn't be that type of everyone's justgivetheCVyouwouldntknowwheresyourluck type. I know I kinda sound so full of myself but please. Ok. At this point of life, I began to wage a war inside of me regarding my actual passion toward this field of study/work. I avoided myself toward leaning to any affixation on any position, I'd just try to plant the seed of spirit but anyhow I failed. The joy of being in this field seemed to be ejected out of me and I was a broken machine. Dysfunctional and out of service. So this was officially the inception period of my self-deterioration.

3) However I did realise, something, anything must and should be done. I had to search for another potential pipeline to reach what I aimed for--which, at this point of time, I wasn't really sure myself. Plethora of questions swamping my mind and thinking it retrospectively, I'd say I was a total lost. I didn't know whether I'm doing what I did because of me or because of what? To garner people's smile of having their expectation met? My parents? My what? My who? My why?

4) So my own solution (at least I perceived it as one), I registered for Robert Walters that I've posted in Akhi Dilema dan Ukhti Indecisive entry months before. My situation during this lapse of moment was subsumable under two broad probability. Either I was so done in searching for what suited me best because the quest only lead to another maze and another entanglement, or on the other hand, I simply decided to hand over my responsibilities to search for work to another substitute--which in this case; a professional substitute, an intermediary. I'm a genius :D

5) On top of that, I also registered for a Capital Market training by SIDC of Securities Commission Malaysia. This GRP100 programme in a nutshell is to nurture young talent to practice in capital market avenues, get ourselves licensed to exercise practice as brokers/remisiers/financial analyst/research analyst whose contribution is of prime significance in lubricating the flow of capital market that works at a speed of light. It is in cooperation with 100 companies eyeing for potential employees in this particular field (which only later I knew, most of them are looking for brokers--so passion tremendously and automatically plunged).

6) From this dots connecting, I got call from UOB Kay Hian, MIDF and ______ (well, I can't recall the name. it is a financial advisor company). Meanwhile from subscribing to Robert Walters service, I didn't receive any interview calls but I did get a more enticing offer which is more connection. The personnel I was corresponding with were from OCBC Islamic and (I'm not sure, Maybank I think). And of course, the people of Robert Walters itself. The office is so elegant I can even apply to be a cleaner there (because I know there's nothing to be swept, it is born speckless and immaculate. the people clean for themselves, so civilised--saves me some sweat. well it's air-conditioned anyway)

7) However, interspersing aforementioned events, there were several attempts of me trying to make a detour and steer the wheel elsewhere. I flew myself to Kemaman (please consider bus as an aeroplane ok), breathing a new air of hope to settle myself somewhere in Terengganu or Kelantan but still I'm stuck in the maze. I left the Bank Islam (Eastern Regional) offer and I walk my feet back to Johor again. I wrote about this in an entry here.

8) How did I actually fund myself in mobilising the move of this pathetic quest? Nearby by house, I did part-time job. During this part-time job period, I was unbelievably busy. I got calls to tutor kids for their Al-Quran lesson, to involve myself in Hafazan camp at the neighbouring Masjid, even to teach Tajweed to a group of makcik makcik comprising of UTM lecturers and some housewives (who also brought along their daughters, and their daughters' friends). The funniest part was when I accepted an offer to teach Al-Quran to a makcik's son, unknowingly the son is taller than me and seems quite nearing my age. It was quite an awkward encounter. Seeing it at the hindsight, I could say that it was my Ustazah side of me unleashing its potential period of time.

9) Aside from that, it was my routine to commute to UTM (not really commuting, I went there with dad of course). I was a Research Assistant for a lecturer in Mechanical Engineering Faculty. No, I'm not assisting research on any mechE projects, the jargon was a complete alien to me. Like, was that even a word?? How can that be qualified to be assembled to form a sentence?? The only word I understand from the research papers was from the title, and it wasn't all of it, I only understand words that were readily systemised and manufactured in my dictionary. I was assigned to assist the Dr in managing her publications, journals, articles, conference papers and chairing session conference to be keyed-in into the university system to be later evaluated as a prerequisite to apply for any promotion (Associate Professor, Professor etc). I was drowned in lots of papers that I wasn't even familiar to begin with. Instead of getting my work done in her quite-a-mess office, I exited Mech Engine Faculty and walked toward my dad's office at UTM International, bringing together all the files because dad's office is roomier and more cosy. (And Wifi signal is stronger)

At this pit stop, perhaps I can safely say that this was where the academic spirit in me started stemming from. Spending days with the papers and all the academic ambience in UTM, maybe I long to have the feeling of writing one, academically and being in one. Looks like the light is slightly hitting in.

10) Ho Chi Minh trip! I also wrap up the journey here in this blog. It was quite educational in one sense, and relaxing in another sense, and confusing in the middle of both two senses. So again, the academic part of me slowly unveiled and emerging from the shadow

11) I attended talks and forums in relation to Islamic Finance topics, how to get employed, how to drive our path forward, potential career headways etc. Also miscellaneous seminar and intellectual discourse to let the steam off of my head. It is abundant in nature. All you have to do is pay the fee. I traveled JB-KL countless time that I might need to request tenancy at any rent house.

12) Putting it subtly, the turning point of me pursuing Masters wasn't totally come from the unrelented determination that dwells inside of me in academic convention. Something happened, which abruptly led to mom decided for me to study. I can't blame her, mom always wanted the best for us. I was just too childish and not being constructive in pointing out the issue. I'm okay with it :)

13) I registered for Master of Science in Islamic Banking and Finance at IIUM Institute of Islamic Banking and Finance. During my first month there, I went for ISRA Scholarship interview. I didn't totally nail the session, I flunked and stuttered a bit. It wasn't an interview that I could proclaim my satisfaction. I still didn't hit my best point. However, it is my rezeki Alhamdulillah.

So guys, here I am.
I wouldn't say that it is a seamlessly easy one year for me to trudge through. I cried buckets, I prayed profusely and submissively, I knelt down to my limitation, I was knocked off hard by people's smirks when I was unintentionally posturing myself as an aimless lady, rammed by people's fixation on me who once paraded a commendable line of fame created by them themselves. I wandered long enough that I nearly couldn't find my way back home, I nearly succumb to the culturally-affixed stigma and definition of life failures--jobless, moneyless, ugly, unmarried, unhappy.

Life's hard.
It wouldn't give us fruits and juices. It teaches us to plant the seed and dirt smearing our hands. Get attuned and familiar with the tools. It aspires (forces) to cultivate it ourselves. Go out, observe when the sun is pleasant for our plant to comfortably grow. Enjoy the yield, you'll appreciate more, knowing it stems from your own sweat and courageous efforts.

At least, that's my lesson book for this one year. I know, there's much more awaits.
As things unfolding, it's prevalent that the journey is not meant for just "here nadiyah, this is what you're gonna do after you graduate. follow this steps 1) 2) 3)"; it conveys more profound connotation that only can be perceived by a rational and sound heart and mind. With a chaotic, dull and swamped mind, we wouldn't be able to perceive anything.

Berdamai dengan takdir.

Till then,
nadsnyi xx

old folks

Salam Ramadan, a wish from myself to myself.

I'm supposed to hit the bed right now but a written form of thought of the night won't hurt.

I have a confession

Frankly speaking, as much other people blushed when they are proffered with compliments and good impression, that is what I will turn to when I received positive feedbacks and replies from people considered in the old people segmentation. Golongan orang tua, nenek nenek, atuk are on my top list. 

With all due respect, when I'm complimented and given positive allowances by other than said group, although I appreciate their good concern, the compliments given didn't really credit a merit in my life. That's why when I am in my off-the-tune mood, or in my seasonal self-degrading wave, or during my devastation period; I can't be elevated by people's words to soothe me. Or even, if I was having a commendable phase in life and surrounding people offers their impressive gratification toward me, it doesn't really leave such impression on me. It doesn't place itself in a special confinement barricaded by heartfelt appreciation. 

So thank you to that random grandma whose spontaneous words of whisper managed to enlighten my gloomy day when she said when I salam her "didoakan yang baik untuk nadiya, agama yang baik, hidup yang baik, jodoh yang baik, cita-cita yang baik dan segalanya yang baik". Seeing it in a hindsight, it is a doa and random word any random person can give me, but considering my inclination of being leaned in to this kind of people, I can't hide my guttered eyes. I feel relaxed by the breeze of hope wafting in into my heart, coming from nowhere to be known. 

Yesterday, I attended an iftar jamaie in my neighbourhood. Nearing azan Isyak, one guy stood up announcing that the guys will be going to the nearest masjid and ladies will be staying there to pray together. Okay. Then this one makcik came to me saying "Nadiyah jadi imam ye untuk isyak dan terawih". Okay. The point of the story was when this one nenek (a mother of a makcik I knew) approached me after I finished both Isyak and terawih, flashing a beautiful crooked smile, with a pleasing facial impression saying to me; "terima kasih ye jadi imam" to which I replied a simple your're welcome and a smile I never seem to be giving anyone before. It was when I further myself to the exit door that I caught her eyes darting on every motion I moved. I returned her stare with a smiling eye conveying my "balik dulu" meaning. At the exit door, I was shocked when she tapped on my shoulder and on top of hugging me so sudden, she kissed my forehead whispering, "terima kasih ye nadiyah, sedap suara jadi imam tadi". Wonder why she kept on staring at me and the beautiful smile never cease from her face. Oh God. Nenek, I'm thawed, and melted. 

During one of the session in a masjid few months ago, I led the recitation of Surah Al-Mulk when I sensed an eye staring at me, then she smiled saying "macam lagu". So cute, so innocent. Although it is a woman whose age is probably more than half of century, or slightly lesser exceeding mine. 

When it is my own grandmother gave her endearing compliment on anything; about my physical looks, my achievements, my talents, or even a simple compliment when I get to shape the begedil right as she told me so, it accounts an unfathomable good feeling inside of me. 

So.

What's my point of putting all of these here? Certainly not to exaggerate myself, neither to preen myself all along. 

Everyone has their own way to find self-contentment. When one can free himself out from the ailing insecurities and inferiorities, when one can bootcamp himself out from his whines and rhymes of hopelessness. For me, other than my style of unwinding by connection with nature, I also love to indulge myself in a random conversation with old folks. It regains my dull spirit and lethargy. Even a simple "hidup ni memang kena sabar" which I've heard countless times in my life can actually boost my confidence back and a simple "anak ni boleh, makcik tahu" can bring me back alive. However again, maybe many other people have said to me.   

Actually above all, I can't chart any reason for that.
It just feels soothing and right.

Till then :)

Hows life?

Hey there. How are you? 

Writing on the bus ride bound to JB. Overwhelmed by lots of thought that in dire need for a channel to splurt it out. 

Life's good. 

Not really. 

But it is good anyway. 

I'm currently in my final exam season. I'm not sure how to word this out, but I was weirdly melancholic during this period of time. I study, I revise, I write, I practise, but there's unreachable voice inside of me that always trying to tell me that I have some shackles down there to settle. Something I couldnt fathom.  

Life's fair. 

Indeed it is. 

Once I stepped in into this Masters level, my prolong wonder is where exactly I'm heading to? In my secret whisper, in my unspoken utter, I asked God. Where are you heading me to? Is this the path that You paved for me to trudge it through? 

Life's hard

No one denies 

Arriving at this checkpoint of life, seeing it in the hindsight, God granted me so much, even what I never imagine having. Securing the privilege for the ISRA Shariah Scholarship Award, a bestow that I never think I can fit into the qualities. The interview was a tough moment I had to surpass, however relieving. Alhamdulillah. 

Studying has got the better out of me. Crumbled into the pressure of having to know everything in concern, with personal limitation, however within the boundary of my own capacity. Silent cries and loud heart shrieks, depositing my frustration to Him, the all-Knowing, on my limited ability as a human, on my parametres of patience when things went wrong, on my devastation when things got puzzled and wired here and there that I couldnt joint them altogether accordingly.

Life's full with subtly glorious colours and pattern

Lets paint it more with stripes and polka dots. 

Ps: still have 3 papers left anyway T.T 

Here, Dr Daud signed on the book I bought :)  

Till then loves. 

Dear self, worry not

To believe in His plan and decree sometimes can be challenging,

For we always long to know what is there ahead of us, 

Try as we may, 

Cry as we may, 

We will never know. 

Deposit all your worries to Him, 

Have faith to propel your day forward,

Real life is compelling, 

But that is yours to struggle. 

Even in highways, there are countless exits along the journey. 

Dear self, worry not if you miss one, keep on gripping your steering, fuel up, lies upon you are still exits to bring you to the same destination. 

Somehow, 

It is just the matter of the pace, and the time you take. 

There might be discrepancy in the routes, but you're yet to reach there. Worry not.

Have faith. He knows best.  

"Sometimes I'm weak and I know it, but if I didn't give myself grace, then I'll just try understand that just how it is. If it ends up happening, it ends up happening" 

Stamp, 

And pump

قل لن يصيبنا الا ما كتب الله لنا هو مولىنا وعلى الله فليتوكل المؤمنون 

reclusive

It's the 4th week of breathing the air of incessant inner pressure.

I'm doing a sprint run to finish my reading assignment. And today's reading renders me emotional. It couldn't be helped that I was zoned-off for couple of moments and channeled to elusiveness.

"It is not surprising that the first article of the Majallah Al Ahkam Al Adliyyah (the Civil Code of the Ottoman Empire) endorses the idea that man is social by nature and that social life is essential to him"

Perfecto. And if by man it meant me, a human being; doesn't it indicate that I'm violating my nature of turning to a social reclusive now?
And if social life is essential to me, why I can't seem to spark any conversational dialogue with anyone here. I'm losing that part of me. I'm losing my essentials (that, according to Al-Majallah)

"He cannot live in solitude"

But I find peace in it. Not having to make new friends only to lose them one day. I'm doing alright adjusting to long-distance friendship with my old peeps.
Well Mr Majelle, what do you mean actually by living in solitude?
Is not-favouring-new-company-nor-friend considered one?

"But is in need of co-operation with his fellow men in order to promote urban society. Every person, however, seeks the things which suit him and is vexed by any competition" 

What urban society he's implying here? Cant an urban society be developed just by human co-operating one another to some limited touch of contacts and speech? Does we really need to be psychologically clicked to other human?
If I am really vexed by any competition, I would sit restless right now. But again you heard me, I'm doing fine buying my 'Aloneness' and 'Iamness'

-------
However psychopath it might sound to you (and to me when I actually read my own entry), I still need people around me. Likewise a dependancy to propel life forward. I couldn't survive on my own. Surrounding people is of a prime significance otherwise I wouldn't know where to buy my FMA textbook, cashing my money and also other whereabouts. But their significance is limited to that, to serve our necessity and not to invade our secluded self-privacy.

My other problem erupts when tonight I'll be going public for the talk.
No, I'm not ready to enter the spectre of public entrance.

Keep me beneath your comforter and smother me with lullaby.

Sleep.