Coveted space of memory

People can be sentimental over everything. Anything that encapsulating a good fond memories of their life. Perhaps it doesnt confine only to the good recollections, any unfavourable events which logically people would just erase it out of their life, unplug everything they could have, but somehow those memories are the only valid claim of a version of theirselves that they had been, which what makes them who they are now. 

Last night abah sent this to the family group. I somehow can relate to the feeling of having recollected by those past moments of living in Edinburgh. Just as I felt that Jordan is the witness of mine, although many years had elapsed but still the fond attachment to the land that once we had stepped on which perhaps is the one of those checkpoints of creating the future. So i can resonate the feeling well, which i know it will be incomprehensibly unclicked to other people. 

Abah must have been very reminisced during his stay in Edinburgh now. To be who he is today, that Scottish land sealed the struggles and sweats. I believe that every inch he paces is evoking sweet thought of the past days there. 

Edinburgh. Where my childhood begins. 

The hijrah #1

I am recently updating from Kemaman, Terengganu. Tomorrow I'll be having my first interview in Kuala Terengganu. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you hear me. My very first interview. And yes. It is being held in KT. 

Since my arrival in KL 2 months back, all that i'm doing is having my self blanketed with all the leisures i can get at home. Spending time with umi, since umi is on her unpaid leave, babysitting the nieces and also doing housechores (except cooking). Yes, except cooking. You hear me once again. When was the last time i had myself holding senduk to tumis? Entah. Haha. 

I dont know why i even brave myself to agree, and take the 8hours bus ride, getting prepared for the interview wayy far from home. 

These recent weeks i was not in my ideal and stable emotional basis. I distanced myself from everyone near me. Except for few friends that i couldnt even in the first place creating the miles in between us because of family matters. Sudden distaste for social networks. I refuse to be present. My indulgence in everything that seems to be my interest before turn to be the ultimate mundaneness. Apart from being clouded by the future endeavours, the passionate feeling to pursue anything in life is like being ejected out of me. For the reasons i couldnt fathom. 

Being lectured by abah and umi, its my daily staple diet. So. This stipulating crisis of mine doesnt seem to find exit. 

And that is how my current presence in Kemaman. Dont ask me why, i also dont know what i am doing right now.

Ps; i am reachable through whatsapp and this blog. I'll update more insyaallah. 

Pss; i hope i'll get back on track sooner. It suffocates me sometime. But another time, to be drowned suffices self-satisfactory more. 

Till then! 

Hm nak jawab apa interview esok ni..

22

I have no vivid memories of what were actually happening throughout the year. I cant grip any solid remains of it. Every moment that I tried to capture and clasp it properly, slipped away effortlessly from me. All that I know now, when I palm my phone tonight, it is 16th August again. It is not the time that flies, it is me who flew all the way from the cage of the past, the box of the old days. 

For every eventful reminisce, 

For every regretful regain, 

I thank Allah for letting me to experience this life, 

Which I dont know for how long it will last. 

So just, 

Cherishing life, as it is :) 

Ah well. For whatever poetic lines I'm trying to inscribe here, still couldn't depict the actual picture of what my mind is thinking about. 

Happy 22nd Birthday Nadiyah Syahira, 

I, still, love you :) 

Does it ever drive you crazy,

Just how fast the night changes.  

0908

Di bayang mata

Melarik senyum

Yang nyata

Tuhan yang tahu. 

Raya (i)

I

I'm attempting to impress my little cousin, Zarif. 

"Cantiknya baju zarif"

"Meme ah" 

"-.-"

II 

And then after i slightly succeeded to win his attention, he just couldnt stop talking. With limited language acquisition of mine, i had a hurdle to keep the conversation going and win his heart. Haha. But things get better by time. 

"Rumah zarif banjir marin kakya tau dok"

"Kakya tau je. Banyak ke air naik rumah?"

"Sekat dada zarif. Kalu papa bawoh sikit lutut. Tapi mainan zarif ado keno selut. Ado yang mama doh susuk habih mugo takut air naik tinggi"

"Hah yelah. Tapi mama ngandung ko zahra kan. Zarif kenapa tak tolong mama"

"Eh kakya panda kecek ko dok ni. Bakpo lah tok panda. Huk aloh kakya" 

"-.-"

III

He never failed to make me go -.- after i conversed with him. And the ultimate one;

"Zarif banyaknya makan. Sedap kan nenek punya soto" 

"Kakya make lagi banyok. Dari sakni tok sudoh lagi" 

"-.-" 

Selamat hari raya! 

I had fun celebrating raya in Kelantan after 2 years havent got the chance to visit my lovely land. Now im on my way back to Johor. And oh, before it slipped away from my mind, after getting countless question of when will i be getting married from the relatives, i came to a conclusion that the added point to fit into the family is the future mine has to be from pantai timur background. It's better. And yeah, do prepare for the worst. Haha. 

Have a safe trip õ dear self! 

good bye

I bid my farewell

Thank you for witnessing my struggles

Thank you for the silence that always bringing me hope

Thank you for the parched land that always quenching the thirst

Thank you for letting me to meet all the wonderful people

Thank you. 

For now,

Let me proceed with the next phase of life. 

Till then, Jordan. 

You are such a memory :) 

Nadiyah Syahira

3rd July 2015 

8:12pm 

the what ifs

"I still remember you love to watch the same movies even up to 10 times" 

She cracks a smile, enthralled by how vivid the reminisce. 

"Can you still recall why I'd love to do that?"

"You said that, you love the feeling of knowing what will happen next. You're proud when you can tell everyone's watching what is the next scene is all about" 

The smile just now vanishes. 

"Yeah. But life, doesn't imply the same.."

-----------------

I always love to do that. 

The feeling exhibited out of knowing what is there lies ahead after the presence or current scene is always settling. You don't have to be bothered by the curiosity or even get the stress out feeling of really dying to know what will happen. You can be full guarded to face any scrolls the scriptwriter has to present, and perhaps get prepared to swerve yourself from any something unpleasant. 

But this is life, anyway. 

Somehow I always eager to know what my life is all about. What will happen when I graduated, what I'll do after I managed to accomplish the degree, what happen to my friends, do we still keep contacted or not, how actually I will become a contributing person, what kind of person I will (eventually) get married with, what kind of woman I'll be postured of, where my dreamed high-powered career will bring me to (or do I even will get myself into it or not), and the list goes on. 

The master plan is not mine to decree. Neither it's anyone's.

Everyone is living by the present. Cherishing life as it is. Making their best of the day. Who are we to grind our gears for the tailspins of life when it's actually part of our checkpoints? Who are we to question so much when all we have to do is to prove that we are worth the struggle? 

One more thing that never ceases to dismiss my mind is, the fear of resorting on the wrong decision. Or choosing the wrong person. Or settling on a wrong position. Or standing on a misguided stance. I can't help but to get squirrelled by all these trivial thoughts, encapsulated by the fear of my own mind. 

How if my decision to pursue the fast track is not the suitable pursuit? What if I better further to the next option I have? How would I feel if I am actually advised to get the practical experiences first? What if my dream is not for me to dream? And. What if i'm letting go of the wrong person? 

The what ifs are suffocatingly torturing. 

I then console my own self, this is what the iman is all about. 

Channeling your worries to Him, handing your fears to Him. When no one hears but Him, when no one knows but Him. 

My mind jogs to that moment of self-contemplating I once had, the unsettling feeling we had is indeed a sign of a shaking and a troubled faith. 

He asked us to struggle, and tawakkal. 

He asked us to do istikharah when we're whirled by various (seemingly similar) options.

Guard your self up, rise up your shield, don't drown to the insecurities. 

You might not know whats the best for you, but you can always try your best.

Even if one day the reality hits you very hard, you won't succumb to pathetic-ness and get on your feet again as you know, the struggle is worth. And this is how we learn from life. It's okay to get diverged, to be steered elsewhere, you'll reach there somehow. 

There's no such thing as a wrong decision

The only thing is wrong is not deciding. 

To brave ourselves to decide. 

To be unafraid of taking chances. 

To be fearless of pacing, the very first step. 

Whatever lies ahead of me, it's yet for me to know. It's yet to be unfolded. 

Bismillah. 

the 4 years.

                            

I have officially graduated from Yarmouk University, Jordan. Alhamdulillah. 

During my last dot on my final paper that other day, I had an unexplainably mixed feeling of accepting the fact that, that was indeed my final sit in my class. I took a deep breath, collecting every strength I could possibly gather to face this. The uncapped pen on my palm, I put it down. Taking a slight glimpse on my answers, I moved forward, handing in my papers and then walking down the stairs of the memorable Kuliyah Syariah. I gestured Orked from afar, and making my disbelief face and then, I got a 'sweet' slap from her. So people, I'm back to reality! Haha.

I'm a bit being taken aback.

How these years have enveloped my moments of  struggles, self quest, tears, fears and gaining hope. To rifle my mind towards those memorable days, the bullets aren't sufficient enough. 

For bestowing me sufficient strength to keep on struggling, Alhamdulillah 

For granting me enough capacity to study and learning, Alhamdulillah

For giving me that unpredictable drive to settle all the trivialities into an oblivion, Alhamdulillah

For allowing me to retain my pace when the world shaking me up, Alhamdulillah

For refraining me from getting drowned in tailspins and clenching myself a grip, Alhamdulillah

And, 

For letting me to cherish this success, carving smiles of my beloveds, Alhamdulillah. 

May He guide me toward being a contributing woman, never to be such an unnecessary residues. 

To the ground; that always planting, sticking my feet onto it

To the sky; that unceasingly persistent keeping my head held up high

To the tress and wind; never failed me to flutter me with its lovely scent and breeze of hope, love and perseverance. 

Stay with me. 

The end of a something is the beginning to embark a new one. 

Buckle up, many more to come.

Nadiyah Syahira Nordin

First Class Honour,

Bachelor of Islamic Banking and Economics, 

Yarmouk University, Jordan

Class of 2015

Dont mind me

                                       

I had an interesting event happened to me today. Shushh me, dont mind me. I'm just wandering around, poking the edge of certain selective memories in your mind. In case i've already been forgotten, i'm just taking a brisk walk to say hai at the front porch door. Making you go "ahh who's there? why that girl seems familiar?" And then when the memory regained, the awful reminisce of me being in the picture will hit your mind and the old villainous deed once you've committed will persistently haunt your life. Well, in case you've already crossed that out from the dreadfulness you have to make up to. 

Until you kneel to redeem, 

I will occassionally wandering there,

Just to still remind you,

I am still alive. 

You hate this recollection?

Hate yourself first. 

self reclaim

I was packing stuffs for my clearance this month. Then it was an inadvertent moment when I extended my hand to reach a book from piles of books needed to be stacked and put properly--into the box. A book, given by a friend. At a glance, it is just a mere motivational book. But for me, even after countless glance, it contained stories and feeling I would treasure for the rest of my life.

Carving a sincere nostalgic smile, with hand palming the book, my mind rifled to various scenes and episodes I went through here. If I were to chapter and plot it, I would rather not. During this last few weeks, I always contemplate what I have gained here, other than creating social circles, getting serious in self-improvement and emotional maturity? I don't know. One thing I won't cease to forget is to ask myself every morning I woke up (or every morning when it is morning without having a night sleep); how do I feel today? 

Even until this particular second I'm typing this, in silence of the night, accompanied by the gloriously beautiful moon shining bright; I still can't even syllabise. This is, after 4 years. 

I got hurt, I heal myself

I'm shattered into pieces, then I patch it altogether

I'm sliced, I adhere it myself

I'm broken, I fix it

I'm wounded, I prescribed the antiseptic

I'm crushed, I mend it meticulously 

The book on my hand slightly sliding down my palm, and it hit another book. I smiled. 

I still vividly remember and have that fond memories of me reading the book. 

It was the book I made it a catch to draw myself into an elusiveness. 

It was last year, I don't have to mention what was the event. 

All these years, I learnt how to stand by myself. I learnt how to not cling on someone's shoulder to get healed. I learnt how to have my own hope when theres people condescend you down. How destructive and disruptive your day had been, it was you who can eventually reclaim the positive side of yours. No matter how people perceived you to be, it was you who know yourself better than other do. 

My eyes locked at the book. 

My hands glued to the cover. 

My heart attached to memories that flow along with it. 

Again I smiled. 

the last hug

I find it's unusual for me to not have this blog updated for any longer than a month, but it just happened. I have tonnes to write about, to rant on, to spill out, yet the words stuck somewhere in my mind and i couldn't even structure it accordingly.

"it's hard graduating isn't it?"
honestly, i can't tell how to feel now. a part of me felt the unimaginably excitement but the other part of me defies and hostilely forces me to have a suffocatingly mental and emotional mess. and yes, the latter one supervened upon the former. well, i'm not here to talk about my dilemmas between pursuing postgraduate or to 'enslave' myself first in the corporate world. that, i'll write in another entry.
-------------------------------------

This is about, them. 

I somehow couldn't express how it is unfathomably blissful to have this 7 people in my life. Aqilah with her weird life principles, Hidayu with her laughable slow-ploking but cute and Nailah with her life philosophies and genuine emotional expression. Amir and his strong character, Faiz and his honesty, Fattah and his dynamic way of viewing life, and Muhaimin with his self-proclaimed charm and appealing personality. (ps; i did not sort you guys based on my favourites, and i need to say this as that is what you always argued about)

Whenever i stared at this photo, something stirred in me. The slight emotional feeling exhibiting from nowhere to be noticed that i had when i captured this piece is still fresh. The silent whisper that rippled across my heart the moment i palmed the phone and ready to click. I'll picture this, and capture all the moods in it. And it happened. I know it is not for me to say "why i haven't met them since the earlier days?", but that is what always hovering in my mind these recent nights. Our path coincided on the mutual path, which is having the mutual interest in intellectual ideas, orator's skills and then it gradually formed to something more profound. (luls ye lah tu) 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we your favourite and will you not forget us?"

The ultimate answer my heart wanted to say right away is yes. How could there exist any replacement. But my mind had this unreasonable battle which i myself couldn't fathom and as far as i remembered, my actual answer is repelling when my mouth uttered "well not really, if i happened to meet someone more interesting than you guys? why not?" 

I might scar their expectation at that very moment and turned them down, but I also couldn't reason my answer. Then the topic faded. 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we creative and awesome?" 

Again what came from me was 'No', which also don't ask me why i said that when all that i really and actually wanted to admit that they're the pieces i couldn't tear away from my life. 

I conceded. I don't know what pride i'm trying to stand for of not saying what i actually meant. When Nailah hugged me tightly that night and said "love you kakya" i honestly wanted to reply to that but it seemed the air of words stuck within me. So what i did respond was a sincere smile and with my eyes telling i'm sorry for my own self. If the Little Man from the Paperboy suffered from speech pathology and stuttering, I think i'm burdening myself with this 'speaking-what-is-truly-felt impediment'

And yeah, recalling back those years, I've hurt many by this 'disease' 

It is not about i have to be cheesy and all about when having to say the real means, but you know, when you yourself realised that your time with them is limited, why not saying it straight away without the unnecessary detours? This is because i pondered upon what i've learnt from them. They are so honest with their self and feeling. When Faiz was of no bother of anything and started to spoke out his mind about Amir's style of explaining thing which if i were Amir i would just cry and say "stop it faiz could you just say it to my face after this or could you just kindly accept me for who i am and bear with me?", when Nailah's eyes guttered with tears of people bruising her principle, Fattah expressing his uncomfortableness, and the monumental moments when Hidayu shoot every bullets in her and fire everything out of her then the awkwardness and silence descended

I don't know. If there's one thing i value from them (apart from giving me this sense of belonging), is what honesty and being true to our own heart actually means. And when i say that, it doesn't confine to verbalising love. It is surpassing any sense that what our heart and inner self actually wanted to voice it out loud but something in us refrained us from it thus eventually portraying the opposite. Maybe you will say that being able to utter verbally is not necessarily the sign of us being true to our self. I say, it is. Because the struggle is real so if we really are true to what we feel, we can actually verbalise it. And I never did successfully surmount the hurdle. Pity me, always defying herself and reluctant to be objective. 

For indirectly teaching me this, thank you.

I will truly miss them. To the point that my future spouse should get to know them and accept this 7 kids as the precondition to enter my life. Haha, selingan. 

Provided that i'm no a thinker like them, jauh sekali seorang pemuisi, i can't conduct a random discussion about the history of christianity atau apatah lagi nak bercakap atas kapasiti dan ilmu seperti mereka. I rarely pointed out my thoughts because I like listening to them. We talked about every topic existing in this world. From what L'oreal shampoo has to effect man's hair to why anak muda inclined to UMNO and then departed to the opposition side. From what is the hukum of smoking to the philosophy of polygamy. From what it means to be apologetic to the stages of noble people. From the 12 apostles story to why we should watch Da Vinci Code. From the open talk issue to MACS updates. From Yes/No games to sudden MPV conversation. From the topic of dreams and reality to the science of epilepsy. Literally everything. 

My days here are numbered. Finals are approaching. I need to get over my 'graduating crisis' quickly. And, I, have to be all armed to bade my farewell and giving my last hug to every single significant person to me. 

Malam yang indah

Irama bermadah

Ceritera yang disingkap

Melodi hati yang terungkap

Tuhan jangan Kau seka

Tangis bahagia yang kian dirasa

Selagi hayat berbaki

Ku kenang kalian dalam doa dan abdi

Dalam kenangan dan memori

Dalam kata bisu

Dalam perpisahan sendu

Dalam bisik merdu

Aku, ada. 

(Menunggu subuh, 24 Mei 2015) 

-----------------

A line i'll always keep in mind; "we're here not to judge, we're here to listen" 

I stumbled upon a quote just now that JK Rowling taught us;

"The stories that we love stay with us" 

Just when i miss my family, I'll listen to our song, I'll watch the movies we used to watched together and I'll sleep with their photo on my lap. I guess this implies the same. 

I don't know how to end this entry. And i don't where is this heading to. 

But I do know, my (our) story didn't end here. It'll continue sparking in an exclusive box of collection called; memory. 

 See You Again- Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth

Take care. See you again :)

Penal code

It is treacherous

Purposely set up

Injustice whirls

Propagating trivialities

The verdict is unanimous;

Die. 

serendipity is still is

it kinda tickling to think of how we were hurled by our own emotional thoughts back then, without even realising that things might turn out otherwise.

because that is what currently happening.

remember April's Serendipity?
it's today, 9th April.

(the last year's post)

serendipity is still is, the only thing that differs is how the day will be perceived. well to be frank i can't even seem to distinguish. a year before i was filled with so much emotion that my head started to throb thinking of how could i be that sentimental? luls. and a year after, i am still, tanked with emotion.

the obtrude reality is that how things have already changed dramatically. yeah, i kinda always sway away every time it came to intrude my mind, dodging the topics that my thoughtless trance chose to wander to. i've succeeded in my academical revenge mission (and still many yet to come, ameen) i've surpassed the challenge to be a person devoid with love connotation in her daily use, which i deem as an ultimate escapist.

but yes it still. the sight and the slight thought of it still dredged up some sad memories. i tried to be strong and place it all in complete oblivion. but God knows i can't. it is not my strong suit for this moment. amidst of gluing my shattered pieces, and when i finally able to patch it altogether, there's this wind that blew away my jointed pieces and cracked the hope of getting mended.

this date is either to dwell and mourn. or to rise and hype.

and i'm always tilted to the former.

this elusiveness and subtleties shall stop. i already command them to stop. but i don't get why they always find their way to defy me. such a disrespectful mind.

goodnight. 

how to be happy

I'm now in line for Mabdaie Ijazah. Just to tune down my degree of nervousness, i chose to write here.  

Yesterday, was such a day. 

I'm silenced when a friend uttered to me when i offered for a talk over a cup of coffee "taknak jumpa nadiyah, nanti kte stress" 

Lips pursed and my emotion that just get elated a while ago plunged down to sudden deterioration when a good friend of mine said "awak nak cakap pasal tu? kalaulah diorg tahu how you manage your money" 

A something in me stirred and reacted when i sensed a change in intonation of a friend out of telling her i passed the exam (while the others failed, and to the fact that i didnt study so i get the unjustified feeling). What even more unsettling is because she's one of them. 

I struggled hard to sleep thinking of not receiving a single congratulation from them. I dont know how to be happy over the offer. I still have that side in me, yeh. 

I'm squeezed in the middle when its my own closest friend is having her moment of self intimidation against me. 

Perhaps a good news for you is considered otherwise for others

And a bad thing for you is regarded a satisfactory matter for others

I never intended to trade my (temporarily) life achievement for my friends' tears. Neither i'm oblivious and deliberately insensitive of their devastations. I never am. 

And if my accomplishment is resulted to such detrimental emotional/psychogical effects for others, how could i be happy anymore? 

I'm afraid of failure

And i cant stand victory

But if this means to distance us, whats there left to be celebrated? 

Why cant we be happy without having to be sad? 

You tell me, how? 

Lama

Ada yang lama kian pudar, 

Ada yang lama makin segar

Ada yang lama aku benci,

Ada yang lama aku ingati

Ada yang lama aku buang,

Ada yang lama aku kenang

Ada yang lama kian pergi belayar jauh,

Ada yang lama kembali memasak sauh

Benar, 

Tak semua yang lama kita keji dan caci

Tak semua yang lama kita puja dan cinta

Dan aku yakin kamu itu, 

Menjadinya yang satu, kadangnya yang kedua 

Biar yang mana-mana,

Adalah itu, 

Tetap juga yang lama