plans

ignore the horrid face i made. that was one of our task during form 5 camping back in 2010. if I'm not mistaken, (and if my ability to remember certain selective memories didn't betray me), we had to write something on the ballon, then catering it with love and care throughout the 3 days camping. just to indicate our earnestness of handling our dreams and protecting it away from any harm and danger. phew. 

(ps: tho i couldn't remember using whose camera/phone to take this hideous character, and put it into an awkward piece of me luls. maybe it was just another nadiyah's-scene-of-rules-are-meant-to-be-broken)

------

so. what it feels like of soon to leaving one of our study phase? it was during form 5, in few months from the camping date, i sat for my SPM. graduating from high school just to enter a seemingly interesting world of high school leavers. well in fact it didn't. 

when i had a chat with my batch mates here, everyone seems so joyful and eager to graduate. staging their plans for future. i can enlist them here i think (a simplified version of my friends' plan) :

1) staying at home because they stand for attending to parents is far more inviting than to involve themselves into a world full of risks and life-gambling 

(yeah maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating kan haha. but this is what i can conclude. and apparently this is for those living with luxurious parents and life so its okay for them to just graduate and go back to their bed of roses and money huhu)

2) pursuing postgrad. many of them aim to study locally as they state that they just had enough of studying abroad and being far from their loved ones.

(necessary addition: and their future husbands of course. they can't stand for more years of long distance relationship. i suggested to them; kahwin jelah apa susah. and they claimed that ''to afford the distance with husbands are way more challenging'' OKAY, nasib baik aku takde lagi someone steady so tak perlulah difikirkan beliau dalam garis perancangan jangka pendek lol)

3) marriage. i've been talking to few of them. their plans to get married once accomplishing our degree study, are certainly not a joke i've been listening from the past 3 years time. luls. i won't comment on this. 

4) into-industries. my course is Islamic Banking & Economics. and we're probably more inclined to embody ourselves into this developing sector and playing a significant role to expand it toward a better expansion. so basically what (should) we're doing right now with our life here is to fuel up ourselves with every single essential and imperative knowledge regarding it, and to comprehend every issues revolving it. hence the future capabilities to necessitate people with the actual ways of transacting complying to syariah regulation. (AGAIN, what we really should be doing lah kan)

there's a lot of probable chances perhaps. my friends are planning to take part in takaful, hartanah, zakat dan waqaf, jual beli emas etc etc. 

5) there's also this one friend in peculiar whom focused to apply for any job vacancies worth our qualification in Dubai; to be near both to Jordan and Malaysia. another LDR story haha. (sorry bro sorry)

-----

so here i am, in front of computer, tracing down in my memory lane. trying to analyse each one of the plans. 

1) of course i won't just stay idle at home. its not as if I'm a disrespectful child whom doesnt seem to attend to her parents in their elderly ages. but i knew it earlier umi wouldn't allow me to because she already states that ''aya cuti sebulan pun umi tengok takde buat apa. umi yang penat tengok aya duduk saja. kalau lepas study duduk rumah lagi nak buat apa" ouch sikit. siapa suruh balik mlaaysia goyang kaki je kan haha 

2) the top listed plans i'm currently having right now is this---to pursue masters (MSc in Islamic Finance) kot? but where to study, i'm still in my struggle of solving dilemmas. i am not being picky, neither i am choosy to submit the application and such.  tapi to really further and bring my life to another step is not an easy thing to decide. parents suggested UK, friends also have their full support. JPA encourages us much towards the furtherances to fit ourselves more into this course. but the more near i'm coming to the end, i'm tilted to Malaysia more haha. Malaysia-bound gtuh. 

parents also advised to not be troubled (and worried) of not getting accepted to enrol any universities/institutions i'm applying for, because the courageousness to apply is already indicating something. just not to note that it is very procedural. 

(well, ini pasca aku suggest untuk duduk rumah je after grad)

3) marriage? this particular option is not even an option. for me, at least. 

4) participating in industries is not commendable for me. i'm not interested to it T.T

----

as for now, i'll opt for what can satisfy my parents. 

what i'm doing with my life now. god please help.

valued

every time i lie down to bed today, the terrifying dream of last night comes invading my thoughtless thought and mind. i felt slightly scared, yes.

why i should fight for what apparently isn't written to be mine?
why i should drench out all that i have inside of me for what (or who) that didn't even treasure me, to make me feel it is worth to hold on what i really believe in?

i don't really need to be appreciated,
i just need to feel valued.

and that, is always what i really wanted.

slowly, the uninvited hatred thriving in. and every time it comes to intrude, i'll force my best to mercilessly unroot and tear it away. i strictly refuse to let any of it to interfere; encroaching my principles some more.

entahlah. i don't even know what i'm ranting about right now. 

what to entitle this

ain't strong enough to lose another one.
should i just let it left to be gone?

you, define friendship.

or if theres even any in your life,
since that particular species comes barging in.

i'm officially offended.

split

Sometimes you wonder,

how can you patch it altogether,

when things seem to waver,

and it reckons to be so hard to bear. 

---------

these few days i seem to have split personality disorder. i don't know what i want. i don't what i am doing with my life now. 

kalau benar daun yang gugur tak pernah menyalahkan angin, 

mungkin dituding salahnya pada dahan yang rapuh? 

gagal memaut erat, 

dan akhirnya terpaksa akur pada kegagalan. 

ultimate randomness. bye. 

Aidiladha 1435H

         

*gambar sama gaya dengan aidilfitri, dalam entri aidilfitri. motiff

10 Zulhijjah 1435H;

Alhamdulillah, it's raya haji again. I congratulate myself and overwhelmed with the feeling of being able to step my feet out from the house. No more social reclusive person when it comes to aidilfitri/aidiladha. No more falling into uninvited thoughtless trance thus resolving to stay in the house for the freaking whole day. No more people had to bell my door just to check whether i'm still alive or whatnot. Thank God for my friends, tho :) 

Haha tapi kan, the truth was,

I just HAD to join them with the openhouses and stuff prior to Arief's (thoba's husband whos been staying with us. no worries, the house is so marriage-friendly haha) unwell condition so he deserves the house more than me. Lol. 

And considering the fact that this is my last raya haji here, so yeah. 

A week before raya we discussed (during my usrah) on how to really apprehend 'kisah pengorbanan nabi ibrahim' in better comprehension. As for me, that was my first time enlightened to that particular angle. 

Apa yang nabi ibrahim buat, adalah atas dasar ketaatan dan ketaqwaan pada tuhan, bukan semata asbab biasa. Dan, how to really conceptualize that taqwa stratum, it is a continous process and struggle. And nabi ibrahim's upbringing was headed towards being that very specified one. Despite the ignorance of his father. 

Hence it's reasonable for him being able to serve Allah's command though it was his son whom he laid to slaughter. It was his wife and son whom he left to Allah's shield and shelter in the middle of a parched land. It was his own father he had to against. It was his own father whom Allah had denied nabi ibrahim forgiveness-seeking on behalf of. 

My scattered thoughts had finally jointed altogether. 

The key is, the persisting struggle of shaping a better us is an indicator of who we'll become next in the future. If we cease to be such a lethargic in such a sluggish lifestyle, we'll eventually succumb to life failure. Talk about korban? Cakap pada tangan lah kalau begitu caranya. 

As to conclude, to really sacrifice is always a challenge. Right. 

---

Thank you friends, batchmates, intec friends whom i still remain intacted regardless of our diff unis (we're separating soon hmm), mutual friends etc for your kind invitation (: 

Ps: i didnt involve at all to prepare our aidiladha meal. sebab diorg cakap aku dah prepare solo time aidilfitri hari tu so diorg pulak. huahua tenkiuu hausmets sbb aku memang takde kerajinan nak memasak segala

Pss: i still hv some unsettled issues with sakinah sk. ada ke patut kinah dtg rumah only to cari pasal tunjuk whtsapp conversation. kurang pedoman sungguh makcik tu. 

Psss: but yeah, on a diff note, shes the one i can rely to, shoudlers for me to cry on, ears to listen my heading-nowhere-rants. eheh. and of course the first one to laugh when tears is really on the verge to burst. luls

Pssss: i didnt have the chance to really meet husna arina jannah orked. they already situated themselves to hv a lot of commitments nowadays haha

Psssss: the ice is broken (finally) with shaima. unplanned, yes. cant believe we're 'connected' and 'affliated' in certain life stories. haha.

Pssssss: abah sent me a picture of my family went out for arafah day iftar. with a hilarious caption 'aya, sila bertabah. inilah pengorbanan sebenar. selamat bersengsara' hahahaha what. selamat bersengsara? yes sabar jelah tengok gambar full house macam tu. just to note that anything is considered incomplete with me being out of the frame. okay? 

-----

Along with the feeling and emotion gushing over me while writing this post, i can tell that i'm happy today alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for this stable emosi hari ni! 

Cuti 3 hari, then naik sekolah. Back to classes and books. Dont spoil your final year nadiyah, dont ever you do. 

Maaf atas segalanya, terasa gembira nak berkongsi di ruang stor peribadi aku ini. Sebagai penguat kembali, bila sedih dan resah datang bertandang semula, bila-bila. 

Till then,

Nadiyah.

4th Oct.

Of 3rd year and self adjustment

*put this picture to reminisce yesterday's 'meeting', one of the reason to stay alive. awh nadiyah so sweet lol*

------

Alhamdulillah, my 3rd year study was finally a wrap. It didn't end very well (emotionally, not academically), but still there's a lot to be thankful of nonetheless. 

Okay, so what kind of self adjustment i'm intending to rant about? To be frank every moment is my struggle to adapt. But throughout my 3rd year is my worst, of all (ceh cakap macam dah lama sangat hidup kan nadiyah..) 

1) i'm tangled in a confusing maze of soon being a final year student. the bewilderment of what happens next, and next, and next? i can't seem to adjust myself well in this kind of situation. 

2) the dilemmas to shape my future endeavours. 

3) starting to hate myself more. won't elaborate on this. bye

4) of course, to make the utmost self adjustment with my subjects. either me being an exam-oriented student, or to perceive the idea of being ilmuwan wanita. gitu. hehe 

5) i had to conform myself with many divergences of people and to be flexible as much as i could. i had to admit everyone's different lifestyle, and refraining myself to comment over every single issue. 

6) okay. my point actually is, to actually really accept that everyone is shipped in the very different boats. we're sailing on the same ocean, but not in the same ship. and even if we are in the same boat, our cabins and style are completely dissimilar. i can't force people to really decipher my words and messages. because people are nurtured differently. 

7) my continuous and unceasing mind shambles of apprehending the idea of, hmm human relationship? 

8) being ignored and don't even have the courage to ask (this is quite unrelated haha)

9) to stop dwelling on the past because future is more anticipating, perhaps? luls 

10) and my last point, to really adjust and align myself with the perfect alliance and conjunction of what it really means by striving toward mardhatillah. is He really okay with who i am now? what is there left to be done and struggle for to achieve His pleasing? if i die today, can i really savour the Heaven's vaults and bounties? what do i really want in my whole daily life? 

-----

being 21, and there's still so much to be done. blergh as if i did accomplish anything lahh. 

The 3rd year witnessed my serious life contemplation (not complaining), but i don't even know what did i really conceive. 

confused, and still confusing. 

may Allah lead our way, ameen.

Hello, final year. my days here are numbered. 

Allah yusahhil insyaallah. 

Loves,

nadiyah. 

Never an option

Sometimes you will be troubled by the feeling of to be stronger is not even an option. You have to be strong because your spherical of friends and acquaintances need you. They need your support, they yearn for your soothing words to calm their mess and turbulance.  Your shoulder is essential for them to keep heading forward. Your eyes that can read theirs, they need it. 

They just need, they just need it, they just need their friend. You are one of their reliable friends. 

Preparing myself to revive this lesu nadiyah right now. Gaining much more strength to be the one as mentioned above. 

Because to see their smile, 

Is always a pleasure that i long to keep, 

Forever. 

Nadsnyi,

20 Sept 2014

Along my journey to the airport. 

Hello, final year. 

---

Oh. I havent published yet my 3rd year wrap. Will store it here, sooner insyaallah

Fakta 20

Things that spreading vastly all over our social networks. Been tagged by few people, and just thinking that posting it on instagram is just too public so i chose to put it here instead :D

So here,#20factsaboutme

1. I was nurtured in all girls siblings, no guys (except my abah ofcourse) in family until i reached my 19 yrs old with an abang ipar sulung. Born in Johor, grown up for 5 years in Edinburgh UK and now reside in JB. Will be a kelantanese soon bila my dad already pencen. Lama lagi kot lol

2. 3 older sisters and 3 younger sisters thus resolving me to be a semi kakak by 6 years gap and semi adik by 3 years gap

3. Hence, i am quite reckless towards man/guys/lelaki. I just dont know how to handle them, so i have my own way for it (which i think proven to be a fatal since many had been hurt because of my recklessness lol) 

4. 21 and currently still believing that having a guy as a close friend is unnecessary, so as having him as a special friend is your first door to a disastrous life. 

5. Loving debate but already stopped doing it, i rather love to be a trainer 

6. I lost that transition point of my dad commuting Malaysia-Overseas. And currently abah is in Papua New Guinea. Frequent penumpang lebuhraya langit. Malaysia-USA tu macam JB-Kelantan 

7. My utmost dislike is cooking, and other housechores

8. Haha but no worries, disliking doesnt mean you tak reti buat, or tak buat. Just, tak suka

9. My recent ambition is to be a lecturer. Hehe

10. You can soothe me by handing me an icecream. You can silent me (when im boiled into unreasonable anger) by buying me that. Serious talk

11. But ofcourse i have my specified brands of icecream huahua. Haagen Daaz is heavenly heaven with its caramel and pecan. Coldstone icecream which i had at Namsan Seoul Tower is marvelling with its chocolate mint and vanilla. Baskin Robbin however is defeated by it. Anyway icecream jual tepi jalan kat syarie' jamiah still sedap lah serious. And icecream beli dalam tube kat mall pun sedap je aku takdelah being that demanding haha okay dah. 

12. And, what calms me down when i'm distressed out of anything is icecream #icecreamunderstands (kahkah cakap pasal icecream pun dah 3 points nampak sgt takde idea) 

13. I'm quite oblivous towards hints and mixed signals. So to be straight forward without steering elsewhere is better. 

14. You cant photograph me without me noticing 

15. Failure after a drenched out struggling is worth, though it is hard when it comes to acceptance and redha

16. Known as a bookworm girl. Well, i doubt that actually. 

17. However, just to list my recent favourites. Khaled Hosseini, Mitch Albom are authors whom no one can ever deny. Apart from that, i'm engaging well in psychological type of books, life and love philosophies, conflicts and world crisis

18. Unfortunately i cant blend in into political matters and issues. 

19. During past few months, i realize my weakness is to comprehend music notes. Hehe at least i found something which can buzz me (and others) that everyone has their own limits. So why bother envying over others' capabilities and discontent for what we have? 

20. Finally, i am quite unbearable. Annoying to some extent. My friends describe me as 'bila annoying takde siapa boleh kalahkan dan bila serious takde sapa boleh lawan' 

---

Done! And for sure there're some facts i prefer to keep it bottled and concealed. These 20 are mere (and trivial kot aku rasa) facts revolving me and my life. 

Till then (: 

Another one

Suddenly it's August 16th again. 

For my past 21 years, Alhamdulillah. 

Happy birthday, nadiyah. 

Tak salah nak marah

Walau silap mana seseorang itu pada kita, it is never a license for us to say harsh words to them. 

Walau dosa orang tu setinggi mana pun dengan kita, it is never permissable for us to hurt them even more

Sebab kalau macam tu, whats the difference between us and them?

------

Aku faham ego seorang manusia, lebih lagi lelaki. Pantang dicalari sedikit. Tapi aku tak pernah percaya yang ego perlu dimenangi mengatasi rasional dan logik. 

Aku faham. 

Sebab aku belajar menjadi aku yang sekarang, melalui proses yang sangat sakit iaitu penjinakan ego diri yang melangit.

Ego,

Tak pernah menjadikan kita mulia.

Kalau macam tu cara kau bercakap ketika kau marah, kau tengah fed up, kau tengah bengang, then i would say you are such a fake. You're just pretending beneath the you that you decided to portray to people

Betul lah. Ujilah akhlak seseorang ketika marah.

Semalam aku tenang.

Hari ni aku marah. 

Tapi aku tak boleh luah pada manusia, sebab aku dah janji pada diri sendiri. I only have this space with me. 

---

If you cant control your anger over a woman who seems to piss you off out of your limit, you will never be a man. 

Say what? Yes. 

Boleh marah, tak salah. Sebab apa yang orang tu buat pada kau memang menyakitkan hati. Hati kau rasa dicarik. Tapi kenapa kau kena rendahkan martabat kau dengan mengasari dan lebih kasar dalam berbicara? Aku tak boleh brain. 

Sekarang,

Bukan masalah salah orang pada kita.

Ini tentang,

Silap kita pada diri sendiri.

Ego membunuh rasionalisasi. 

Dan itulah kesilapan abadi. 

--

Nadiyah,

6 Syawal. 

Syawals

Aidilfitri 1435; Alhamdulillah. 

Selamat Hari Raya :D

Satu ucapan diucap tulus dan mesra, 

Ingin dikhabarkan betapa aku tak lupa, 

Meski dalam bicara bisu kita. 

Taqaballah minna wa minkum. 

--

Langit yang sama kita dinaungi,

Cahaya suria yang serupa kita diterangi,

Walau jarak dan masa membatasi.

Nadiyah,

1Syawal1435H

Be kind

A simple act of kindness will simply capture one's heart. 

Thank you :) 

First step

The first step is always the hardest. But once you capture the pace, you own the rhythm. 

The first step is always confusing. Either you do it for the sake of people, yourself or for Allah. But once you start to stride upon the path, the puzzled intention will eventually be shown. 

The first step is always tiring. Hesitance is blurring the actual image of standing up straight and move on. But once you triumph over the reluctancy, you'll be more than blessed for not even declining your initial will. 

The first step, is always doubtable. Will you ever go far, or how far will you persist towards a place you've been dreaming for all this time? How to wend the journey after the first step has been taken? 

All those uncertainties are completely mystifying. You're puzzled. Bewildered. 

Only then a cue pops out, 

No matter what, 

If the first step is not taken, 

You,

Wont even going anywhere

Near or far,

You wont.

Remember? 

A baby's smile and giggle when finally able to stand on their own, and successfully begins to walk. And once they already had their first step, they just cant stop walking. They are just fully overwhelmed to the fact that they can step on their own! Well nothing weird. That's one of their growth development and indication. 

Remember the smile? 

To be courageous enough to take the first step, 

Is always, 

A sign that we're growing up. 

And jogging your memory a bit; 

The baby,

Was once, 

You.

------

Sitting by the window,

A calm evening. 

Meant to be here, 

And meant to be anywhere Allah decides me to.  

10 Ramadhan. 

Ramadhan

Tazkiyah. 

Ramadhan 1435H

Let the battle, begins (: 

Rants #2

http://youtu.be/P7D3NMhWYeM

This week has been really dull for me. I dont really know why, but i was feeling really alone, sedih and too drowned with unknown feelings. Perasaan taknak bangun bila dah pagi, perasaan taknak tidur bila dah malam. My life is questionable. 

Dan hari ni ada carboot sale Ramadhan For Syria under Ikram4Syria. It was held kat bawah rumah. Rumah bawah (Irsal) jadi port utama, kat laman bawah untuk lelaki dan perempuan beli belah, and rumah aku untuk solat, rehat, makan etc. 

Time breakfast, berbual dengan kak um. After few minutes, kak um tanya, whether aku okay or not sebab nampak macam tak okay. Entahlah. Yeah, entahlah is what you replied when you seem not okay without even knowing whats even wrong with you. 

Sampailah cerita pasal cuti tak tahu nak buat apa yada yada, and kak um cakap "hm awak rasa tahun lepas lagi best and tahun ni kosong dan lonely sebab ada kakak awak kot" 

Oh goodness.

Thats something. 

You know, that difference between friends, and sisters. 

---

Ps; august ni nak balik ke tak?