the last hug

I find it's unusual for me to not have this blog updated for any longer than a month, but it just happened. I have tonnes to write about, to rant on, to spill out, yet the words stuck somewhere in my mind and i couldn't even structure it accordingly.

"it's hard graduating isn't it?"
honestly, i can't tell how to feel now. a part of me felt the unimaginably excitement but the other part of me defies and hostilely forces me to have a suffocatingly mental and emotional mess. and yes, the latter one supervened upon the former. well, i'm not here to talk about my dilemmas between pursuing postgraduate or to 'enslave' myself first in the corporate world. that, i'll write in another entry.
-------------------------------------

This is about, them. 

I somehow couldn't express how it is unfathomably blissful to have this 7 people in my life. Aqilah with her weird life principles, Hidayu with her laughable slow-ploking but cute and Nailah with her life philosophies and genuine emotional expression. Amir and his strong character, Faiz and his honesty, Fattah and his dynamic way of viewing life, and Muhaimin with his self-proclaimed charm and appealing personality. (ps; i did not sort you guys based on my favourites, and i need to say this as that is what you always argued about)

Whenever i stared at this photo, something stirred in me. The slight emotional feeling exhibiting from nowhere to be noticed that i had when i captured this piece is still fresh. The silent whisper that rippled across my heart the moment i palmed the phone and ready to click. I'll picture this, and capture all the moods in it. And it happened. I know it is not for me to say "why i haven't met them since the earlier days?", but that is what always hovering in my mind these recent nights. Our path coincided on the mutual path, which is having the mutual interest in intellectual ideas, orator's skills and then it gradually formed to something more profound. (luls ye lah tu) 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we your favourite and will you not forget us?"

The ultimate answer my heart wanted to say right away is yes. How could there exist any replacement. But my mind had this unreasonable battle which i myself couldn't fathom and as far as i remembered, my actual answer is repelling when my mouth uttered "well not really, if i happened to meet someone more interesting than you guys? why not?" 

I might scar their expectation at that very moment and turned them down, but I also couldn't reason my answer. Then the topic faded. 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we creative and awesome?" 

Again what came from me was 'No', which also don't ask me why i said that when all that i really and actually wanted to admit that they're the pieces i couldn't tear away from my life. 

I conceded. I don't know what pride i'm trying to stand for of not saying what i actually meant. When Nailah hugged me tightly that night and said "love you kakya" i honestly wanted to reply to that but it seemed the air of words stuck within me. So what i did respond was a sincere smile and with my eyes telling i'm sorry for my own self. If the Little Man from the Paperboy suffered from speech pathology and stuttering, I think i'm burdening myself with this 'speaking-what-is-truly-felt impediment'

And yeah, recalling back those years, I've hurt many by this 'disease' 

It is not about i have to be cheesy and all about when having to say the real means, but you know, when you yourself realised that your time with them is limited, why not saying it straight away without the unnecessary detours? This is because i pondered upon what i've learnt from them. They are so honest with their self and feeling. When Faiz was of no bother of anything and started to spoke out his mind about Amir's style of explaining thing which if i were Amir i would just cry and say "stop it faiz could you just say it to my face after this or could you just kindly accept me for who i am and bear with me?", when Nailah's eyes guttered with tears of people bruising her principle, Fattah expressing his uncomfortableness, and the monumental moments when Hidayu shoot every bullets in her and fire everything out of her then the awkwardness and silence descended

I don't know. If there's one thing i value from them (apart from giving me this sense of belonging), is what honesty and being true to our own heart actually means. And when i say that, it doesn't confine to verbalising love. It is surpassing any sense that what our heart and inner self actually wanted to voice it out loud but something in us refrained us from it thus eventually portraying the opposite. Maybe you will say that being able to utter verbally is not necessarily the sign of us being true to our self. I say, it is. Because the struggle is real so if we really are true to what we feel, we can actually verbalise it. And I never did successfully surmount the hurdle. Pity me, always defying herself and reluctant to be objective. 

For indirectly teaching me this, thank you.

I will truly miss them. To the point that my future spouse should get to know them and accept this 7 kids as the precondition to enter my life. Haha, selingan. 

Provided that i'm no a thinker like them, jauh sekali seorang pemuisi, i can't conduct a random discussion about the history of christianity atau apatah lagi nak bercakap atas kapasiti dan ilmu seperti mereka. I rarely pointed out my thoughts because I like listening to them. We talked about every topic existing in this world. From what L'oreal shampoo has to effect man's hair to why anak muda inclined to UMNO and then departed to the opposition side. From what is the hukum of smoking to the philosophy of polygamy. From what it means to be apologetic to the stages of noble people. From the 12 apostles story to why we should watch Da Vinci Code. From the open talk issue to MACS updates. From Yes/No games to sudden MPV conversation. From the topic of dreams and reality to the science of epilepsy. Literally everything. 

My days here are numbered. Finals are approaching. I need to get over my 'graduating crisis' quickly. And, I, have to be all armed to bade my farewell and giving my last hug to every single significant person to me. 

Malam yang indah

Irama bermadah

Ceritera yang disingkap

Melodi hati yang terungkap

Tuhan jangan Kau seka

Tangis bahagia yang kian dirasa

Selagi hayat berbaki

Ku kenang kalian dalam doa dan abdi

Dalam kenangan dan memori

Dalam kata bisu

Dalam perpisahan sendu

Dalam bisik merdu

Aku, ada. 

(Menunggu subuh, 24 Mei 2015) 

-----------------

A line i'll always keep in mind; "we're here not to judge, we're here to listen" 

I stumbled upon a quote just now that JK Rowling taught us;

"The stories that we love stay with us" 

Just when i miss my family, I'll listen to our song, I'll watch the movies we used to watched together and I'll sleep with their photo on my lap. I guess this implies the same. 

I don't know how to end this entry. And i don't where is this heading to. 

But I do know, my (our) story didn't end here. It'll continue sparking in an exclusive box of collection called; memory. 

 See You Again- Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth

Take care. See you again :)

Penal code

It is treacherous

Purposely set up

Injustice whirls

Propagating trivialities

The verdict is unanimous;

Die. 

serendipity is still is

it kinda tickling to think of how we were hurled by our own emotional thoughts back then, without even realising that things might turn out otherwise.

because that is what currently happening.

remember April's Serendipity?
it's today, 9th April.

(the last year's post)

serendipity is still is, the only thing that differs is how the day will be perceived. well to be frank i can't even seem to distinguish. a year before i was filled with so much emotion that my head started to throb thinking of how could i be that sentimental? luls. and a year after, i am still, tanked with emotion.

the obtrude reality is that how things have already changed dramatically. yeah, i kinda always sway away every time it came to intrude my mind, dodging the topics that my thoughtless trance chose to wander to. i've succeeded in my academical revenge mission (and still many yet to come, ameen) i've surpassed the challenge to be a person devoid with love connotation in her daily use, which i deem as an ultimate escapist.

but yes it still. the sight and the slight thought of it still dredged up some sad memories. i tried to be strong and place it all in complete oblivion. but God knows i can't. it is not my strong suit for this moment. amidst of gluing my shattered pieces, and when i finally able to patch it altogether, there's this wind that blew away my jointed pieces and cracked the hope of getting mended.

this date is either to dwell and mourn. or to rise and hype.

and i'm always tilted to the former.

this elusiveness and subtleties shall stop. i already command them to stop. but i don't get why they always find their way to defy me. such a disrespectful mind.

goodnight. 

how to be happy

I'm now in line for Mabdaie Ijazah. Just to tune down my degree of nervousness, i chose to write here.  

Yesterday, was such a day. 

I'm silenced when a friend uttered to me when i offered for a talk over a cup of coffee "taknak jumpa nadiyah, nanti kte stress" 

Lips pursed and my emotion that just get elated a while ago plunged down to sudden deterioration when a good friend of mine said "awak nak cakap pasal tu? kalaulah diorg tahu how you manage your money" 

A something in me stirred and reacted when i sensed a change in intonation of a friend out of telling her i passed the exam (while the others failed, and to the fact that i didnt study so i get the unjustified feeling). What even more unsettling is because she's one of them. 

I struggled hard to sleep thinking of not receiving a single congratulation from them. I dont know how to be happy over the offer. I still have that side in me, yeh. 

I'm squeezed in the middle when its my own closest friend is having her moment of self intimidation against me. 

Perhaps a good news for you is considered otherwise for others

And a bad thing for you is regarded a satisfactory matter for others

I never intended to trade my (temporarily) life achievement for my friends' tears. Neither i'm oblivious and deliberately insensitive of their devastations. I never am. 

And if my accomplishment is resulted to such detrimental emotional/psychogical effects for others, how could i be happy anymore? 

I'm afraid of failure

And i cant stand victory

But if this means to distance us, whats there left to be celebrated? 

Why cant we be happy without having to be sad? 

You tell me, how? 

Lama

Ada yang lama kian pudar, 

Ada yang lama makin segar

Ada yang lama aku benci,

Ada yang lama aku ingati

Ada yang lama aku buang,

Ada yang lama aku kenang

Ada yang lama kian pergi belayar jauh,

Ada yang lama kembali memasak sauh

Benar, 

Tak semua yang lama kita keji dan caci

Tak semua yang lama kita puja dan cinta

Dan aku yakin kamu itu, 

Menjadinya yang satu, kadangnya yang kedua 

Biar yang mana-mana,

Adalah itu, 

Tetap juga yang lama

concluding egypt trip

i roughly paragraph my conclusion for my 8 days Egypt trip during my last day there. comparing to my several trips before, let alone this trip-note to be my first piece that I successfully publish here. so, here it is. 

Sinai ; An Unraveled Quest.

1) we walked on the land full with histories. the past histories that once occurred there seem to be connected with our present moments, in so many unfathomable ways. how perfectly Allah encapsulated Musa's life and struggling moments, here. This piece of parched land consists of every single part of his remains, regardless of the presence of the physical remains or not. Well, memories live in moments and times, they say.

the land of Egypt is truly a validate proof that Allah will never ever abandon us. if there's anyone who'll know our drained souls, its no one but Him. He knows that we've tried, He knows that we're scared of what might happen, He knows our fear of rejection, he knows what makes us intimidated and what makes us degenerated. and all that He asked Musa, and all of us to do was to settle our hand to the chest, inni ma'akuma asma'u wa ara. He consoles our shivers with His soothing coax, that He's there with us, listening and witnessing. He's indeed there with every utterance of pain and strangles of emotions. He just wants us to, believe. and don't ever be afraid to step forward. to be scared of anything is normal, that proves our limitations and bringing us to the realisation that what wholes us is our faith and trust, to Him. and only Him.

thus, whats the reason to give up? to step back? none.

2) i'll never forget the silent whisper i secretly muttered, with eyes locked to the Qarun's lake. may i'll not be strayed by any means of disobediences. may everything that He bestowed me upon will just cascade me down towards the very basis, to savour and devour more and more pleasant vaults and bounties in His paradise. Allahuma 'jalni 'abdan syakura.

3) faith and trust. the wondering on how Musa's mom obediently and religiously flows Musa along Sungai Nil is truly perplexing. and her faith to Allah's promise of returning her son back surpassing anything else and then to faithfully place Musa down and handing him to the ultimate shield and protection of Allah. it stifles me much more to think about her emotion on the very moment she's about to lay Musa down and let the cradle rivers. then all she could do was just watching the cradle streams away till it's far from to be sought. i just...cant. Allah describes it well in surah al-Qasas how unsettled and numbed the feeling of the mother. just then Allah revealed the plan that He had decreed upon to the which He'll certainly reunite both of them. He certainly will.

and again.
He just want us to, believe.

3 of us were so emotionally overwhelmed by this story along our Sg Nil cruise.
and it'll never cease to be forgotten :)

4) so, for the presence of this two trip mates, i thank Allah for converging our paths together. misunderstand sehari dua tu normal lah kan. haha

5) we thank people for the memories created along being together, but we will never compromise and cross any boundaries distinguishing friendliness and alienity. feigning indifference is somehow a perfect distinctive feature one could have. luls

6) perhaps we can elate our emotion to the utmost exhilarating joyousness and happiness, yet we can never deny that our mind still has its own preferable unnoticeable way to drift. and when it did it'll eventually found the same thing all over again. just then you know you're whorled by your thoughts, how spiralled you are and you were to certain particular memories, moments and person. 

7) how people could be so unimaginably kind-hearted? thank you akhawats :) none of you haven't taught me that being a stranger is not that scary though

8) Egypt is undoubtedly rich with soooo many resources and lucrative incomes for the country. just imagine how Suez Canal can actually elevate Egypt to a higher standard of economic distinction and a proper socio-economic. so its devastatingly frustrating that the corruptions here and there, voids and breach of trust, mismanagements and crisis forcefully forcing the innocence to be the pawn of the game and inevitably creating chaotic life phenomena of the citizen from the politics imposed by the authoritarian power of the 'leaders'. its unfair. and its ridiculous. 

9) on the other hand, theres a group struggling for their people's worth and drenching every part of them for the sake of reviving the withered and wilt islamic spirit, the wavering and weariness of egyptian people. i've been in their manhaj ever since i was born, but only when i witnessed the historical effects of it, was the unforgettable moment when i regain my senses. had it not been because of the land that witnessed their struggle and blood, i'll not fell the way i'm feeling right now. so whats exactly i'm feeling aaa? haha.

10) i discovered my slight sight disability in Alex. and i feel very buta you know. so yeah, i'm with spectacles now.

11) i enjoyed the nature, the sea breeze, the mountains very much. never failed to be entranced by the golden syrup of the sky. which obviously couldn't be put to words.

12) oh and one more, we didn't visit Giza because we didn't feel like it. haha. well. siapa kata pergi mesir memang kena tengok benda bentuk pyramid itu?

regardless the flu i had on the last day, the day i wrote this;
i've created memories, alhamdulillah.

till then (:

-----
ps: i didn't tell my parents that i still have to sit a paper a day after my trip. exam postpone disebabkan salju sonata. nasib baik score subject postpone itu. heh. 

Rasa pada kata-kata

Ada rasa pada kata-kata

Aku mengenalmu daripada kata-kata

Dan aku merasa cukup dengan itu

Pertemuan kita adalah pertemuan antara pikiran

Dan aku merasa cukup dengan itu

Aku mengenalmu melalui kata-kata

Cara berfikir yang aku sukai, sejak pertama kali membaca

Ejaan hurufnya yang aku kenali

Aku mengenalmu melalui kata-kata

Pada setiap rasa yang kau sematkan dalam cerita

Aku, jatuh cinta pada kata-kata

Pada setiap hal yang kamu tuangkan

Aku seolah menjadi samudera,

Dan siap menerima apa pun dari itu

Aku jatuh cinta pada kata-kata

Adalah alasan yang cukup kuat untuk mengenal pikiranmu

Sampai pada suatu hari kita pertama bertemu

Kita seolah telah mengenal, begitu lama sekali

matahari kepada bumi

it's my first post in 2015. happy new year!

Later that day puan kimo introduced to me a soundcloud account named Suaracerita. She reasoned enough on that introducing, so i just randomly played the whole playlist. Basically the account is a poem declamation, in Indonesian. I found it so, amusing. I sometimes moved with the words, the implicit meanings.

So here i rewrote the poem, one of them which i was tilted by an unknown feeling to replay it. It's kinda awkward though, as it has so many 'cinta' words, i found myself so weird typing it. Luls. I want to do a proper citation but i don't know to whom i should give the acknowledgment. Lets settle with just the soundcloud account :)

This is, a love poem. Don't judge me hahahaha
-----------------------

Matahari Kepada Bumi

Ajari aku menggunakan pena
Akan ku tulis gemercik air
Udara dingin, kabut senja,
Sampai daun gugur

Matahari kepada bumi,
Matahari tidak pernah meninggalkan bumi sekalipun bumi tak mampu melihatnya
Entah oleh mendung gelap atau hujan lebat
Sekalipun bumi tidak merasakan kehadirannya di malam hari,
Matahari titipkan cintanya kepada bulan
Memberi ruang kepada bumi agar bumi faham,
Bahawa ada atau tiadanya matahari,
Langit tetaplah menawan

Matahari tidak pernah meninggalkan bumi
Pada jarak yang sama bertahun-tahun

Mungkin, sekadar ini hubungan antara matahari dan bumi
Tidak untuk saling berdekatan
Namun, dengan jarak yang cukup aman; untuk saling mencintai

Mencintai itu tidak semestinya harus memiliki dan selalu berdekatan, bukan?
Tidak semestinya cinta itu harus bertemu dan bersatu
Cinta tanpa pertemuan bisa saja terjadi
Seperti ketika saya mencintai orang pada masa depan,
Yang bahkan belum pernah saya temui

Cinta yang diwujudkan dalam doa dan perbaikan diri
Matahari dan bumi juga begitu
Pada jarak yang aman, keduanya bersinergi

Cinta yang baik adalah yang mampu membuat energi keduanya menjadi berlipat
Cinta yang meniadakan salah satu, atau keduanya, bukan cinta namanya
Walau ia katanya berkorban

Cinta ialah pada ketika kamu berasa energi berlipat ketika kamu bersamanya
Dan, cintamu membuat hal yang sama kepadanya

Justeru, jika kalian saling meniadakan,
Lebih baik tidak perlu bersatu

Kerna percayalah,
Segala sesuatu tidak harus seperti apa yang kita inginkan dan pikirkan
Sekalipun kita mempunyai rencana terbaik
Percayalah,
Rencana Allah jauh lebih baik

Seperti matahari kepada bumi

----------------------

So i think i have an answer to a common question nowadays. Who do i like?

A someone i haven't met yet. Or perhaps i've already met, but the feeling is yet to occur. Let the time tells. Masa ini, ialah masa untuk perbaikan diri.

ps;
okay serious kelakar post ni haha. Again, don't judge me. Pray for my finals (it's next week for god's sake!) 

Revenge

hey. 

i wanted to write last night but sakinah refrained me to. and moreover i was too emotionally exhausted that the only emotion i could ever arouse inside of me were next to anger and vengeance. and the tears sluicing down my cheek was nothing more than tears out of remorseful and regretful feeling. 

i recalled lyrics from Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet which i was silenced in an awe by my junior's performance during Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan Akademik two days before ; 

"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times i stopped keeping track"

in this story, i feel like i'm the Berta in The Devil and Miss Prym. 

i'm casted as the Sully in The First Call from Heaven

i'm pictured well enough as the Hasan in The Kite Runner

not to forget the strong and pity Mariam in A Thousand Splendid Sun

Fatima in The Alchemist

and maybe, as to celebrate the famous Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck, i'm the Zainudin. 

Long before we were born, Allah has already executed a life long plans for us. Then on the other hand, we long to know hows the plans had been. Forgetting that many are yet to come. And many also had already been marked out. 

People may deny your worth. They might also demote your value. Devaluing your significance. Then, who's there left to rise up your ownself if it's not yourself? 

I won't give in to any self despair, deluding myself to any emotional voids. 

It's life anyway. I have so much to achieve, to revenge for. 

And just to note, to elevate our self-worth is to know we are worth of something.

Something that we can thank our self later. 

I never felt so strong and triumphant before, thanks to yesterday; i feel so relieved and free. Well at least the unspoken pact has come to its end. Tho it was not as i wanted it to be- properly. 

Maybe i did tear up, but its just as a sign of strength and perseverance. 

And maybe i did struggle enough to sleep, but its nothing more than just indicating my self-regains. 

"I can almost touch your fear" ; says the stranger to Chantal in the forest, arming a handgun that could shatter any element of body to pieces. 

the dialogue kept hovering around my head since yesterday. what was my utmost fear actually? and did anything almost touch my fear? thus prevailing any one of each sides of myself? 

i can't seem to answer. 

anyway anyhow, 

we can always be the master of all things that try to enslave us. Though they're threatening us to engulf us with their spell. the real enemies are not who or what were put there to test your courage. but they are the cowards that were there to test your weaknesses. 

perhaps this matter did nearly touch the delicate part of my fear and courage. but as far as i'm concerned, the desire that sets us upward is superseding the cowardice that tries to pull us down. 

emotional voids is cowardice, as we are not strong enough to triumph over rationality and sustaining relevant thoughts. to surrender beneath the toppling down of life is also that, as we are completely weaken by the real life steering. the steering is there to test our weakness, so why should we give in to any score or any sense that will make our soul suffers? 

(okay. i'm overdosed of paulo coelho. haha) 

so why the vengeance (or revenge)? 

because its time to show to the cowardice which we nearly surrendered to; that courageousness is here, so bade your goodbye. 

anything or anyone doesn't worth my life failures. 

because life offers more than just academic excellency, being placed at the most desired position in the company, getting married to the very one that we loved (love? doubtless i say, it's very superficial), having the most dreamed house and car ever, and many more that seemingly as an indicator of life success. 

life offers something more profound, 

and it is the worth we have and when we value ourselves more than we could ever be. 

then to make the best out of it, compliancing to what Allah commands us to be. 

Till then, 

To the very then. 

101

1) if you were given chances, which decision you would like to undo? 

2) based on question no (1), elaborate the probable effects consequenced the decision made

3) and if you were headed upon another choices and options, will you remake the decision or settle yourself in another path? 

4) list the persons involved in the decision making whom you considered their views and opinions. 

5) do you ever feel worth being in the decision you chose? 

6) scale and gauge the weightage of importance

7) do you approve the idea of the despicable and reprehensible tricks some people used in their decision-making process? 

8) what is 'second chance'? and do you agree with that? 

9) have you ever thought of not deciding and just follow the stream of the flow? 

10) explain the concept of "you're given choices and you're not given options" 

And deciding not to answer, is also a decision 

Good luck

Bring me the night

Measuring days in the spaces between our goodbyes
Learning to wait through the endless parade of our same old 'see you next time'(s)
But when i close my eyes
The miles melt away

So bring the night, send out the stars
Cause when i'm dreaming we don't seem so far
Darken the sky and light up the moon
So that somehow you'll be here with me soon

Bring me the night,
That brings me to you

But when i close my eyes
I want only to stay
Where the farthest you are is a heartbeat away

Bring me the night,
That brings me to you

-----------
2nd exam finally ended. Now it's another month for my Finals to start. I've done with my last subject registration for final semester in February. So winter holiday is approaching very soon.

Where i'll be going this holiday?
I considered of going to that particular country, just to relax and stay at my friend's. Just then i defied my own idea of going there. I'm pretty sure it's either i'm relaxed or more troubled i'll turn to when i'm back in Jordan, so i don't dare to take any risk. The probable chances for both. You know, when the risk is evaluated equal, you have the option of striking back from the actual investment plan. Risk management, they say. Okay, what i'm talking about..

I also thought of flying off to Malaysia. But i know it sounds pretty useless as i'll be graduating and be back for good sooner. Whatever, still the winter holiday is sooner than the sooner.

So now i'm placing hopes and doa for my umrah application to get granted. As for me this haji and umrah are for those Allah selected to secure the opportunity. It's yet our turn. HE invited to His house, thus He wills us to get our things done and self packed to go there. It's all a matter of rezeki :)

And whats with this song?
I don't know. Whenever i have this song queued in my playlist, i'll automatically carve a sincere smile, thinking of my parents, family, friends. We serenaded countless 'see you next time' and although i'm occupied with lots of works to be done but the visual image of them never cease to linger. I'm blessed. But yeah, sequencing that, the pain of missing someone and not having them next to us is such an agony.

And the song speaks itself.
When i close my eyes, the miles seem to disappear. I'll have myself sitting next to my family, in my house. I'll also will be carried through to those days when i don't live in confusion. Then i dozed off involuntarily.

So bring me the night,
That brings me to you :)

Sabar

Rahsia yang ada pada takdir,

Belum masanya untuk Tuhan beritahu,

Sabar; kuncinya. 

"If we know what would happen next, we never should have worried"

A great lesson from The First Call from Heaven. 

Sabar,

Tuhan tahu isi hati kamu. 

Sabar. 

Fire fighters

The other day, me and my two rommates had a kind of conversation relating studies and life. The topic aroused when Ain revealed a question asked by my batch mates to her, regarding how is nadiyah's style of coping with studies and exams? And hows exactly my lifestyle is, at home? The wondering about how do i really study to secure my academic performances? And without putting other social skills in negligence? Oh. And the person remained anonymous. 

To be frank i'm used to this type of curiousity inquired by anyone. Yes when i say i'm used to it, yes i'm really advocating my commonness to that particular question. I completely get it how it stifles their curiosity that much. But, haih. Usually i'll tend to drop the subjects, altering the topics conversed to any issues other than that specifically me-themed; or what i seem to do more often is i'll reply with jokes and the situation either resolves to awkwardness or laughs. Sigh. 

I thought more than twice to post this. Alhamdulillah for what Allah had eased me with my studies and dreams. I live everyday with hopes and fears. I hope for my life to be smoothly carried through. I have everyday's, 2 years, 5 years plan checklists to ensure that. And with fears of the probable chances that Allah might resort those to unfulfillments, and for not alligning with what that will please His favours. Nauzubillah. 

     

I am also like you.

I have my doubts, i have my fears of not getting the best. I have my self intimidation issues. I also have those moments of hating myself seeing my reflection in the mirror. I occasionally wallowed in self pity of not attaining the best of myself. And our best standards differ, so i dont see the need to compare ourselves with other people. That, certainly adding up more strain and pressures. Plus in fact that was totally unnecessary. 

And to Allah i plead for strength to keep fighting. 

The urge of yearning to be like someone else is normal. The internet nowadays is boundless. We can be like very familiar with everyone's life, style of thinking, including what do they wear to campus and work, the particular names of their families, their pretty faces, a person's life status; either they're too lavish to splurge on Kate Spade handbags every week, or maybe too seemingly lavish that they just bought Chowkit's Kate Spade brands lol. And we can follow people's relationship progress and update starting from they're single, then they hooked up with someone, then several (or many perhaps) cheesy uploads and entries; if odds are on their favour they'll be posting on their engagement and marriage (then mooooreee photos of their romantics and 'halal' love luls, tahu pun before tu tak berapa nak halal haha k i laughed at my own lame jokes) Or if they're quite unfortunate then there'll be more and more emotional updates and attempts of gaining strength to move on. Hahaha okay again i laughed loolll. 

Okay whats my point actually lah haha. Seronok pulak trolling.

Right,

Because of the phenomena we're having today, we are inclined to allocate our times to examine other's lives rather than being grateful for what we already have.

No, i'm not saying the anonymous friend of mine asking about me is ungrateful for her life; but this is me talking to myself, why we'll always the tendency to discontent with ourselves. 

Because the achievement of other people is our benchmark. 

And not our own. 

I always say to myself;

The only person i have to be better of is myself from yesterday. 

Who cares about others?

Everyone has their own fights and land of battle. As for me, i'm scared to trespass theirs. To be scrambled with my own fights is already surpressing my patience.

      

 

Fight, for yourself. 

Everyone has skeletons in their closet, and its not for them to disclose it. The only shown is the beautiness of them. 

But y'know, its hard tho; having to live to the angelic perceptions of people; while in fact you know it yourself;

How the skeletons gradually crushing you pieces. 

Never mind;

Fight. 

Treasure

                                    

I havent yet get over of my kampungsick issue when another thing popped in. I know they intended good, they were urged to say that just to make me not wallowing in self-embarassment and humilition somemore. But sometimes i couldnt help but to retaliate and not listening to people.

My close friends probably already had enough of me complaining over the same issues (and person in peculiar). I also turn to be so worn out of emotions and feelings. The truth is i am really fatigued over this, tho i seem to be all excited (ye sangatlah tu) and so. But i didnt ask for those. I didnt ask for having this inexplicable and incomprehensible state of feelings 

And i hate it more when i'm tugged in this complexity i'll tend to push away people  and disregarding their loyal presence. Yes, they meant good. 

But after all, 

Saying "itulah, lain kali sebelum buat apa-apa fikir jauh ke depan akibatnya. Kan dah jadi macam ni" CERTAINLY doesnt help at all. Couldnt you be a bit more, soothing? At least? And not nudging the surge of guilt and regret EVEN MORE? Yes i regretted that person's existence in my life but you dont have to rub it all over my face. I knew it already, and need not your highlights. 

And for them saying "maybe awak kena settle down dengan dia" also a heart-smashing word. 

Yes, they meant good, they meant no offense. You're the unsettled one, nadiyah. Dont blame the surrounding people. I know, they meant good. 

---

Since the day ayahtok was dated for his CABG operation, i gradually subsided into delicacy. I rarely feel missing home, but this past few weeks i miss my kampung so much that i weeped over not being there right now. 

Then, 

I recalled Harun Yahya's line in Maryam; An Exemplary Muslim Woman which i found the most relaxing quote ever. I dont remember it precisely but its something that has to do like this; 

Rationality is judged based on how we refuse to succumb into sentimentality. Be it anger, passionate love, unnecessary clinging and attacment, romanticism, the suffer from the lack of (missing a person), pride, sadness, exhilarating joyousness and pleasures, wails and mourns; things that we people inclined to be clasped with. No one should feel that they are immune from sentimentality, yet they should feel endangered that any possible time they could or would be entrapped by it. Because the human proneness to it is high and always exhibit a tendency to be leaned toward fragility.  

**Okaylah i edited it with my own words. Haha. Mana nak ingat sebijik apa dalam tu kan. 

-------

I always gain serenity when i write. So here comes my obsession with my own words hahaha. Please.  

Till then.

Nadiyah Syahira,

12th Nov 2014 and;

Surrounded by kids heading back home from school and stopped by at Yarmouk Language Center to play around. Girls gather among them and take selfies with weird face expressions. Workers plucking buah zaitun. Students finishing classes for today with priceless feeling that finally weekend is here after a whole tiring week. A girl sitting under the tree with phone gripped on her hands, waiting for someone to call her or maybe rings for her a notification that they're good. A serious group of students discussing lectures. Non stop cars rivering by. People bidding goodbyes. The puffing of loyal ciggarates smoke that never fail to air the wind and atmosphere; signalling a harsh sign of an uncomfortable surrounding for people hoping for fresh breeze. 

And me, seated myself on this branch, with fingers tapping on my iphone screen, writing this post, channeling all my current feelings into this. Drowned in the stream of words. 

I wonder, how people will describe me doing right now like i did to them; 

If they also have the same thing in mind. 

Jordan, they say its an eye-sore view, rude people and such. Who am i to disagree.  

But i dont know why it graces me unfathomable something that make me to place it somewhere remarkable in my heart. 

Its truly, a treasure. 

The end is approaching soon, huh? 

it's okay

"Syaitan wants you to dwell on the past,
Allah wants you to repent and move on"

earlier yesterday i stumbled upon a folder filled with old pictures of mine. i uploaded a piece on Facebook. it was hilarious you know. thinking of who you were back than. such an irony.

indeed i was not that type of girl who conducted usrah at school because obviously i didn't meet any qualification required. i was an average student. but i did talk about religious stuff, and i could put into details pretty good when it came to Quran verses and meaning (i enrolled into a tahfiz class, okay more ironical bits and pieces coming. brace yourself. haha)

**even my naqibah approved that i was better than her. lulsssss. masuk almari tutup sendiri please. 

when the school holiday approaching, normally me and my friends would register our names to any programmes for teens (commonly known as Kelab Remaja JIM, KRJ). we were that famous and annoying team Johor whom everyone knew as a never-ending-talk-and-gossips team. masked under the 'friendly' term. basically the programmes were more to foster islamic spirits, encourages us (the teenagers) to be a good muslim, to nurture ourselves to fit into the society and bringing good influential values to the atmosphere. we camped, treasure hunting, singing, and much more.

it was a serial programme. there were 4 of them. i experienced just two of it because the priority on that time in particular was to slot my school holidays with academic camps. haha. (well even up until now umi is very strict when it comes to study. hehe. anything intersecting with studies related matter will be automatically declined and demoted. haha)

so what is it with this ironic issue?
because my actual attitude amplified the vice versa. i postured as such a knowledgeable religious lady with her tudung labuh (rasmi sekolah ok), but to recapitulate or summarise my whole real self is such a counterfeit. a counterfeit decent girl? maybe. or maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating but yeah, i always do.

i recalled ustazah fauziah confronted me in the counselling room (bilik kaunseling tu second home aku kat sekolah fyi). she asked some sort of question to the which i figured out the answer in my 20s. i couldn't respond her spontaneously and directly. i faked myself in front of her. she pointed out that she's been eyeing me for quite some time, claiming that she was close to my sisters (and parents). so she wondered why i behaved so, different? thus the meeting. she sorta to bring me closer to her, offering me to give her chance to guide me in my quest, in my growing up moments. and.. the rest is history.

macam apa yang pernah aku berbual dengan Aliya, we conclude that we participated (the programmes i mentioned earlier) merely because our parents are 'makcik pakcik' di Johor. hence the participation. but do we really perceive whats been aimed to be comprehended by us the youngsters? i don't think so. to prove that, see what we transformed into, after the programme ended. memang perangai mintak kaki. hahaha. Aliya said that it was because of our immature behaviour. the immaturity intercepting our rationality of not being too mengada. lol.

and i've been doing some thinking why we seemed to justify the previous piece of us as an immature little fella whom trying to know herself blah blah, it takes time to grow up and know the world kind of sentence.

because,
as we flipped through the history, all the successful figures were nurtured since they were young. they weren't hustled with the social medias and choosing which type of person they should cast to portray, they didnt even give a glimpse yearning what kind of women they should marry and have kids with. they were busy to focus on developing the characters, akhlak, shaping ummah future is embedded in their life plans. their daily routine and time were already allocated to mould a better them. and all the trivialities were left to corrode.

Rome wasn't built in a day. yes. true. A good muslim also wasn't built in a split second; just by contemplating the past that couldn't be fixed anyway.

i know i know. you'll say that we make mistakes to learn from them. i know. because that was what i currently perceiving. but. the regret of not starting it earlier, couldn't help but to whirl and twist around me. i often say to myself, appreciate the past nadiyah, seize the present and you'll never have the same regret all over again in the future.

but still, when i look at my friends who started way earlier than me, i feel completely insignificant. i disregarded my huge opportunity of being good. i have the atmosphere (family, circle of friends, school), i also (regrettably) have the knowledge. thus aggravating the pain of guilt even more. but..yeah.

somehow i can't really accept why i hadn't acquired this particular consciousness earlier. haha.

its okay.
it's never too late.

so,
relating to my preceding quote above; just bear in mind that every time this kind of trance overtaking the mind; it's syaitan desisting you from moving on. it's syaitan abstaining you from stepping forward and to believe in yourself. it's syaitan hoping you to drown into fragility and delicacy. it's syaitan making you to lose hope. it's syaitan scarring your self confidence.

it's okay to regret, but it's never okay to give in to syaitan.
it's okay to feel bad, but it's never okay to stop struggling

astaghfirullah.
stay in your stance.
















what on earth i'm talking about actually... got to sleep now. good night.