23

I didnt post any entry in regards to 16th August, just like what I usually did for the previous years. So here it is to compensate the feeling :) 

Being 23 is just another change in number when you want to introduce your age. I'm not quite sure it is a progression or regression if I say that as I get older, the more confused I am as a person. Of course as we ventured into another phase of age and maturity, we are bound to meet with a whole lot different life conventions. Due to that perhaps it requires a more rationale and less-cluttered self. 

And I've become reserved, clueless as how to say what my mind speaks, puzzled as how to solve my heart's whisper. Ah. I guess as you aged, your emotion is compelled to be more complicated to decipher. 

Anyhow, i do have some resolutions hehe. It might sound a lil bit trivial, but I'm joyed to list them down :D

1) stay focus when you're driving. You can let your mind drifted elsewhere at your discretion, but you sure do want to spare some regrets.

2) dont sing out loud. Your voice is a disaster. You dont want to bring misery to people around you. And yourself of course on top of all people. 

3) yes you know you've become better when it comes to parallel parking. But dont parade it much very proudly because you know, as soon as you bask in pride that is the moment of your downfall. You've experienced this. And the cost of repair is exhausting not a petty amount of your money that is not that much to begin with

4) read more and moreee. Even when you are in the mood of self contemplation. Read. Try imagining how the book feels when you leave him untouched and unappreciated. Gitu kan dah ada jantina buku aku

5) if you want to feel intimidated in front of your colleague, mull it over during your personal time. Dont translate it to your face. Chin up. Be confident although God knows how you can stutter a lot and shiver as if your heart is a winter season. You can be better than you ever think

6) dont distance yourself from kitchen and cooking utensils. Even it has to be just washing dishes routine

7) be a fashion police to yourself. As a kickstart, forget about wearing unmatched colour of baju and tudung. If you ever did, penalize yourself. You dont know when you'll come across your life destiny. Ewah motivation dia hahaha

So. 

Happy birthday Nadiyah.

I still dont forget you. 

And I wont ever :) 

Till then xx 

purple rose

Last night, I grabbed a novel that I've read for more than 10 times already. But every different time I read it, different feeling whispers. So as my lullaby, I dared myself to listen to my old playlist comprising of those nostalgic melodies and familiar lyrics, fraught with many subtle meaning associated to my past life memories. Because letting myself to involve in those rhythm equates placing myself back to my old days.

Sweet pain. 

Full of remorse. 

Love and hate. 

Floating on the road divergences. 

Confused. 

Too young. 

And puzzled. 

Again by Lenny Kravitz 

At every time I've always known

That you were there, upon your throne

A lonely queen without her king

All of my life

Where'd you been

I wonder if I'd ever see you again?

Home is where the heart is by Mcfly 

Home is where the heart is

It's where we started 

Where we belong  

Hard times come easy by Richie Sambora 

And the heart finds a reason

And the love always seems find a way

Even it hurts

Save me by Embrace 

You're looking down that telescope from the only end you know

When life is big and we're still close 

Everybody gets a second go

Everybody gets another go

Gives you hell by All American Rejects 

When you see my face 

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell 

When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see what you've done to me

You can take back your memories they're no good to me

Your guardian angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Now that I'm strong I have figured out 
How the world turns cold and it breaks through my soul 
And I know I can be the one
I will never let you fall 

Silhouette by Owl City 

I sick of the past I can't erase

A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace 

A mountain of things I still regret

Is a vile reminder that I would better just forget

Ikhlas tapi jauh by VE
All time favourite :D

-------

I really had a fair share of your good lover, insidious partner and helplessly romantic song on the queue. At least I can tell my kids one day that I had a vile yet sweet memory of thinking herself that she had fallen in love. Too young too dumb to realise. Got it. Thank you Bruno Mars. Also the lyrics of: Tell the devil I say hey when you get back to where you're from. Hahaha.

Just when I thought the playlist was ending, then popped the song that would be the last song I'd ever choose to listen again. 

When you say nothing at all by Ronan Keating. 

Shoot. 

One shot of bullet goes straight to the heart. 

Bleed. 

the one year

I was meaning to post this on 3rd of July, commemorating the first anniversary of my last departure from Jordan bound to Kuala Lumpur, marking an end of my undergraduate life. It has been a meaningful one year, getting closer to my own self and figuring out life. It is uncannily mystifying to unbox every folded and wrapped gifts of life, but it is always a satisfaction to me.

So now I'm a Master's student, which I decided to enrol after 6 months haywired with lots of dilemmas. The conflict is not what I'm going to pinpoint here anyway. This post is to recapitulate what happened in this one year! Rollllllll~

1) First 2 months in Malaysia was not a total hype of people asking every angle and notch on earth whether I'm starting working or not. This was due to the month of Ramadan--perhaps people were too flushed to even bother and Syawal--when people were focusing their life in attending weddings. Eh no, I did receive some questions on work and after-grad plans, but nah it didn't really leave effects on me.

2) I started to survey on potential job vacancies on internet but none of them enticed me to deposit my CV. I couldn't be that type of everyone's justgivetheCVyouwouldntknowwheresyourluck type. I know I kinda sound so full of myself but please. Ok. At this point of life, I began to wage a war inside of me regarding my actual passion toward this field of study/work. I avoided myself toward leaning to any affixation on any position, I'd just try to plant the seed of spirit but anyhow I failed. The joy of being in this field seemed to be ejected out of me and I was a broken machine. Dysfunctional and out of service. So this was officially the inception period of my self-deterioration.

3) However I did realise, something, anything must and should be done. I had to search for another potential pipeline to reach what I aimed for--which, at this point of time, I wasn't really sure myself. Plethora of questions swamping my mind and thinking it retrospectively, I'd say I was a total lost. I didn't know whether I'm doing what I did because of me or because of what? To garner people's smile of having their expectation met? My parents? My what? My who? My why?

4) So my own solution (at least I perceived it as one), I registered for Robert Walters that I've posted in Akhi Dilema dan Ukhti Indecisive entry months before. My situation during this lapse of moment was subsumable under two broad probability. Either I was so done in searching for what suited me best because the quest only lead to another maze and another entanglement, or on the other hand, I simply decided to hand over my responsibilities to search for work to another substitute--which in this case; a professional substitute, an intermediary. I'm a genius :D

5) On top of that, I also registered for a Capital Market training by SIDC of Securities Commission Malaysia. This GRP100 programme in a nutshell is to nurture young talent to practice in capital market avenues, get ourselves licensed to exercise practice as brokers/remisiers/financial analyst/research analyst whose contribution is of prime significance in lubricating the flow of capital market that works at a speed of light. It is in cooperation with 100 companies eyeing for potential employees in this particular field (which only later I knew, most of them are looking for brokers--so passion tremendously and automatically plunged).

6) From this dots connecting, I got call from UOB Kay Hian, MIDF and ______ (well, I can't recall the name. it is a financial advisor company). Meanwhile from subscribing to Robert Walters service, I didn't receive any interview calls but I did get a more enticing offer which is more connection. The personnel I was corresponding with were from OCBC Islamic and (I'm not sure, Maybank I think). And of course, the people of Robert Walters itself. The office is so elegant I can even apply to be a cleaner there (because I know there's nothing to be swept, it is born speckless and immaculate. the people clean for themselves, so civilised--saves me some sweat. well it's air-conditioned anyway)

7) However, interspersing aforementioned events, there were several attempts of me trying to make a detour and steer the wheel elsewhere. I flew myself to Kemaman (please consider bus as an aeroplane ok), breathing a new air of hope to settle myself somewhere in Terengganu or Kelantan but still I'm stuck in the maze. I left the Bank Islam (Eastern Regional) offer and I walk my feet back to Johor again. I wrote about this in an entry here.

8) How did I actually fund myself in mobilising the move of this pathetic quest? Nearby by house, I did part-time job. During this part-time job period, I was unbelievably busy. I got calls to tutor kids for their Al-Quran lesson, to involve myself in Hafazan camp at the neighbouring Masjid, even to teach Tajweed to a group of makcik makcik comprising of UTM lecturers and some housewives (who also brought along their daughters, and their daughters' friends). The funniest part was when I accepted an offer to teach Al-Quran to a makcik's son, unknowingly the son is taller than me and seems quite nearing my age. It was quite an awkward encounter. Seeing it at the hindsight, I could say that it was my Ustazah side of me unleashing its potential period of time.

9) Aside from that, it was my routine to commute to UTM (not really commuting, I went there with dad of course). I was a Research Assistant for a lecturer in Mechanical Engineering Faculty. No, I'm not assisting research on any mechE projects, the jargon was a complete alien to me. Like, was that even a word?? How can that be qualified to be assembled to form a sentence?? The only word I understand from the research papers was from the title, and it wasn't all of it, I only understand words that were readily systemised and manufactured in my dictionary. I was assigned to assist the Dr in managing her publications, journals, articles, conference papers and chairing session conference to be keyed-in into the university system to be later evaluated as a prerequisite to apply for any promotion (Associate Professor, Professor etc). I was drowned in lots of papers that I wasn't even familiar to begin with. Instead of getting my work done in her quite-a-mess office, I exited Mech Engine Faculty and walked toward my dad's office at UTM International, bringing together all the files because dad's office is roomier and more cosy. (And Wifi signal is stronger)

At this pit stop, perhaps I can safely say that this was where the academic spirit in me started stemming from. Spending days with the papers and all the academic ambience in UTM, maybe I long to have the feeling of writing one, academically and being in one. Looks like the light is slightly hitting in.

10) Ho Chi Minh trip! I also wrap up the journey here in this blog. It was quite educational in one sense, and relaxing in another sense, and confusing in the middle of both two senses. So again, the academic part of me slowly unveiled and emerging from the shadow

11) I attended talks and forums in relation to Islamic Finance topics, how to get employed, how to drive our path forward, potential career headways etc. Also miscellaneous seminar and intellectual discourse to let the steam off of my head. It is abundant in nature. All you have to do is pay the fee. I traveled JB-KL countless time that I might need to request tenancy at any rent house.

12) Putting it subtly, the turning point of me pursuing Masters wasn't totally come from the unrelented determination that dwells inside of me in academic convention. Something happened, which abruptly led to mom decided for me to study. I can't blame her, mom always wanted the best for us. I was just too childish and not being constructive in pointing out the issue. I'm okay with it :)

13) I registered for Master of Science in Islamic Banking and Finance at IIUM Institute of Islamic Banking and Finance. During my first month there, I went for ISRA Scholarship interview. I didn't totally nail the session, I flunked and stuttered a bit. It wasn't an interview that I could proclaim my satisfaction. I still didn't hit my best point. However, it is my rezeki Alhamdulillah.

So guys, here I am.
I wouldn't say that it is a seamlessly easy one year for me to trudge through. I cried buckets, I prayed profusely and submissively, I knelt down to my limitation, I was knocked off hard by people's smirks when I was unintentionally posturing myself as an aimless lady, rammed by people's fixation on me who once paraded a commendable line of fame created by them themselves. I wandered long enough that I nearly couldn't find my way back home, I nearly succumb to the culturally-affixed stigma and definition of life failures--jobless, moneyless, ugly, unmarried, unhappy.

Life's hard.
It wouldn't give us fruits and juices. It teaches us to plant the seed and dirt smearing our hands. Get attuned and familiar with the tools. It aspires (forces) to cultivate it ourselves. Go out, observe when the sun is pleasant for our plant to comfortably grow. Enjoy the yield, you'll appreciate more, knowing it stems from your own sweat and courageous efforts.

At least, that's my lesson book for this one year. I know, there's much more awaits.
As things unfolding, it's prevalent that the journey is not meant for just "here nadiyah, this is what you're gonna do after you graduate. follow this steps 1) 2) 3)"; it conveys more profound connotation that only can be perceived by a rational and sound heart and mind. With a chaotic, dull and swamped mind, we wouldn't be able to perceive anything.

Berdamai dengan takdir.

Till then,
nadsnyi xx

old folks

Salam Ramadan, a wish from myself to myself.

I'm supposed to hit the bed right now but a written form of thought of the night won't hurt.

I have a confession

Frankly speaking, as much other people blushed when they are proffered with compliments and good impression, that is what I will turn to when I received positive feedbacks and replies from people considered in the old people segmentation. Golongan orang tua, nenek nenek, atuk are on my top list. 

With all due respect, when I'm complimented and given positive allowances by other than said group, although I appreciate their good concern, the compliments given didn't really credit a merit in my life. That's why when I am in my off-the-tune mood, or in my seasonal self-degrading wave, or during my devastation period; I can't be elevated by people's words to soothe me. Or even, if I was having a commendable phase in life and surrounding people offers their impressive gratification toward me, it doesn't really leave such impression on me. It doesn't place itself in a special confinement barricaded by heartfelt appreciation. 

So thank you to that random grandma whose spontaneous words of whisper managed to enlighten my gloomy day when she said when I salam her "didoakan yang baik untuk nadiya, agama yang baik, hidup yang baik, jodoh yang baik, cita-cita yang baik dan segalanya yang baik". Seeing it in a hindsight, it is a doa and random word any random person can give me, but considering my inclination of being leaned in to this kind of people, I can't hide my guttered eyes. I feel relaxed by the breeze of hope wafting in into my heart, coming from nowhere to be known. 

Yesterday, I attended an iftar jamaie in my neighbourhood. Nearing azan Isyak, one guy stood up announcing that the guys will be going to the nearest masjid and ladies will be staying there to pray together. Okay. Then this one makcik came to me saying "Nadiyah jadi imam ye untuk isyak dan terawih". Okay. The point of the story was when this one nenek (a mother of a makcik I knew) approached me after I finished both Isyak and terawih, flashing a beautiful crooked smile, with a pleasing facial impression saying to me; "terima kasih ye jadi imam" to which I replied a simple your're welcome and a smile I never seem to be giving anyone before. It was when I further myself to the exit door that I caught her eyes darting on every motion I moved. I returned her stare with a smiling eye conveying my "balik dulu" meaning. At the exit door, I was shocked when she tapped on my shoulder and on top of hugging me so sudden, she kissed my forehead whispering, "terima kasih ye nadiyah, sedap suara jadi imam tadi". Wonder why she kept on staring at me and the beautiful smile never cease from her face. Oh God. Nenek, I'm thawed, and melted. 

During one of the session in a masjid few months ago, I led the recitation of Surah Al-Mulk when I sensed an eye staring at me, then she smiled saying "macam lagu". So cute, so innocent. Although it is a woman whose age is probably more than half of century, or slightly lesser exceeding mine. 

When it is my own grandmother gave her endearing compliment on anything; about my physical looks, my achievements, my talents, or even a simple compliment when I get to shape the begedil right as she told me so, it accounts an unfathomable good feeling inside of me. 

So.

What's my point of putting all of these here? Certainly not to exaggerate myself, neither to preen myself all along. 

Everyone has their own way to find self-contentment. When one can free himself out from the ailing insecurities and inferiorities, when one can bootcamp himself out from his whines and rhymes of hopelessness. For me, other than my style of unwinding by connection with nature, I also love to indulge myself in a random conversation with old folks. It regains my dull spirit and lethargy. Even a simple "hidup ni memang kena sabar" which I've heard countless times in my life can actually boost my confidence back and a simple "anak ni boleh, makcik tahu" can bring me back alive. However again, maybe many other people have said to me.   

Actually above all, I can't chart any reason for that.
It just feels soothing and right.

Till then :)

Hows life?

Hey there. How are you? 

Writing on the bus ride bound to JB. Overwhelmed by lots of thought that in dire need for a channel to splurt it out. 

Life's good. 

Not really. 

But it is good anyway. 

I'm currently in my final exam season. I'm not sure how to word this out, but I was weirdly melancholic during this period of time. I study, I revise, I write, I practise, but there's unreachable voice inside of me that always trying to tell me that I have some shackles down there to settle. Something I couldnt fathom.  

Life's fair. 

Indeed it is. 

Once I stepped in into this Masters level, my prolong wonder is where exactly I'm heading to? In my secret whisper, in my unspoken utter, I asked God. Where are you heading me to? Is this the path that You paved for me to trudge it through? 

Life's hard

No one denies 

Arriving at this checkpoint of life, seeing it in the hindsight, God granted me so much, even what I never imagine having. Securing the privilege for the ISRA Shariah Scholarship Award, a bestow that I never think I can fit into the qualities. The interview was a tough moment I had to surpass, however relieving. Alhamdulillah. 

Studying has got the better out of me. Crumbled into the pressure of having to know everything in concern, with personal limitation, however within the boundary of my own capacity. Silent cries and loud heart shrieks, depositing my frustration to Him, the all-Knowing, on my limited ability as a human, on my parametres of patience when things went wrong, on my devastation when things got puzzled and wired here and there that I couldnt joint them altogether accordingly.

Life's full with subtly glorious colours and pattern

Lets paint it more with stripes and polka dots. 

Ps: still have 3 papers left anyway T.T 

Here, Dr Daud signed on the book I bought :)  

Till then loves. 

Dear self, worry not

To believe in His plan and decree sometimes can be challenging,

For we always long to know what is there ahead of us, 

Try as we may, 

Cry as we may, 

We will never know. 

Deposit all your worries to Him, 

Have faith to propel your day forward,

Real life is compelling, 

But that is yours to struggle. 

Even in highways, there are countless exits along the journey. 

Dear self, worry not if you miss one, keep on gripping your steering, fuel up, lies upon you are still exits to bring you to the same destination. 

Somehow, 

It is just the matter of the pace, and the time you take. 

There might be discrepancy in the routes, but you're yet to reach there. Worry not.

Have faith. He knows best.  

"Sometimes I'm weak and I know it, but if I didn't give myself grace, then I'll just try understand that just how it is. If it ends up happening, it ends up happening" 

Stamp, 

And pump

قل لن يصيبنا الا ما كتب الله لنا هو مولىنا وعلى الله فليتوكل المؤمنون 

reclusive

It's the 4th week of breathing the air of incessant inner pressure.

I'm doing a sprint run to finish my reading assignment. And today's reading renders me emotional. It couldn't be helped that I was zoned-off for couple of moments and channeled to elusiveness.

"It is not surprising that the first article of the Majallah Al Ahkam Al Adliyyah (the Civil Code of the Ottoman Empire) endorses the idea that man is social by nature and that social life is essential to him"

Perfecto. And if by man it meant me, a human being; doesn't it indicate that I'm violating my nature of turning to a social reclusive now?
And if social life is essential to me, why I can't seem to spark any conversational dialogue with anyone here. I'm losing that part of me. I'm losing my essentials (that, according to Al-Majallah)

"He cannot live in solitude"

But I find peace in it. Not having to make new friends only to lose them one day. I'm doing alright adjusting to long-distance friendship with my old peeps.
Well Mr Majelle, what do you mean actually by living in solitude?
Is not-favouring-new-company-nor-friend considered one?

"But is in need of co-operation with his fellow men in order to promote urban society. Every person, however, seeks the things which suit him and is vexed by any competition" 

What urban society he's implying here? Cant an urban society be developed just by human co-operating one another to some limited touch of contacts and speech? Does we really need to be psychologically clicked to other human?
If I am really vexed by any competition, I would sit restless right now. But again you heard me, I'm doing fine buying my 'Aloneness' and 'Iamness'

-------
However psychopath it might sound to you (and to me when I actually read my own entry), I still need people around me. Likewise a dependancy to propel life forward. I couldn't survive on my own. Surrounding people is of a prime significance otherwise I wouldn't know where to buy my FMA textbook, cashing my money and also other whereabouts. But their significance is limited to that, to serve our necessity and not to invade our secluded self-privacy.

My other problem erupts when tonight I'll be going public for the talk.
No, I'm not ready to enter the spectre of public entrance.

Keep me beneath your comforter and smother me with lullaby.

Sleep. 

New chapter

Hai.

Writing while waiting for Kakak at IKEA Cheras. Waiting can surely develop some non-dismissible thoughts. If there's one thing I learnt, that is it. 

So.
A week already progressed since the first day I registered here; 

IIUM Institute of Islamic Banking and Finance, IIUM Gombak. 

It was a dramatic decision for me to agree in enrolling myself into studying again. This all came arouse from the discussion I had with my parents about my distaste to what I've studied in my previous degree. It might due to a) a long gap and leisure b) the discovery of new passion c) just, this cute thing that we always couldnt cease to run away from called; laziness 

Fast forward, 

Though still shouldering flustered and confounded feeling, I tried to muster up my courage to decide something in my life. After long night of gallivanting and contemplating (and crying, lol), I made up my mind and agree to register for this programme. (Drama queen sangat, nak register masters je pun...) 

Abah gave me several philosophical ultimatum, eg a) if I want to do this, why? b) how I even define 'choices' in life c) try at least to figure out what kind of person I want to become d) if I dont want to do this, is it because i) i want to change to other programme or ii) I have another unspoken concerns 

Honestly I couldnt come up with any answer, so it was beneath the threshold of my consciousness that I replied; because of financial concerns. Which Abah smirked at and yeah, it didnt merit any significant remark to him. 

I somehow was stucked in this imaginative long thread and strand of polka dots that didn't have an exact point to link them together. I was chucked into this continuum of my own mind and couldn't find exits. 

Figuring out what I want to become. 

Just like I didn't even try to hypothetically visualize. But it seems the more I stretch my hand to reach an undistorted image, the premonition seems to pull out its hand from reaching mine. It is unclicked. We became nothing nearer but to create more distance. The more I try, nothing came but a fatal error. 

However the scene was, I'm already here so guys, I survive the first week ;D 

It's going to be a tough journey ahead. Plenty of journals, mountains of reading I have to complete, tonnes of assignments dued, so it kinda reducing the amount of time for me to overthink anything overthinkable. 

(Shessh, this CNY holiday I've been contemplating again! Though I have to do some reading. Haha) 

I don't want any triviliaties come ripping out my inner self to shreds. I'm doing well in adjusting my self now. Today is enough to spur my motivation and aint gonna let it wavered. 

At the end of the day, regardless how confused I am, I was, I will be; I know myself better, I will focus on the balls on my hands right now. I'm still the old me, whose spirit of getting the best in what she's currently doing is engraved in her (hope so, insyaallah) 

So people, pray for my masters study okay. I can't promise if I can devise a fullstopping mechanism to my incessant dramatic whines and scenic events here, because I'm that, inserting dramatic flairs to any possible avenues, but what I'm sure about is; 

this is what on my dish now; although other menu looks tempting and admirable, I will devour what lies upon my eyes now, and patch myself altogether to keep fit and healthy, otherwise; I will suffer from indigestion! Hahaha screw me with my ludicrous attempt of forming good sentences. Okay dah cukup nadiyah

In the name of Allah, untie the knot of my tongue, heart and mind. Rabbi zidni ilman warzuqni fahma

Say Ameen 

Ho Chi Minh!

Currently writing on the plane. Bound to Johor Bahru from Ho Chi Minh, Viet Nam. 

The last time I board on a plane for international departure was almost 6 months ago, during my last farewell for Jordan. (God. It has been 6 months since I've graduated? It takes just another half a year to complete a cycle. God. How fast. Time, you're an Olympic sprinter athlete or what) 

A short tour around Banking University, Ho Chi Minh 

(so educational lah kan my trip ni luls)

My trip to HCM was uncalled for. Dad has been suggesting me to follow him since 2 months back. However Mom took control over the suggestion and told me to just stay at home. My life is like that. My Mom's say is always a verdict. Even Dad agrees, ahead of him is always another beuracratical procedure to get through. The Mommies Appeal Court. Haha. 

The plot changed just 3 days before the flight date. Dad's HCM work trip talks come floating again and cutting the story short, Mom suddenly concedes to the idea of me following Dad for work. Hehe. You know, I sometimes find pleasure in dealing with this kind of Court and Council. Because unpredictable events always come abound. You can never tell what lies ahead for you. Just like life. Aaah. You know, my Mom perhaps attempting to teach me some life advises through this subtle message. Lol. 

Where am I now? 

Okay.

Dad is attending ASEAN Educational Meeting with other representatives from several ASEAN countries eg Thailand, Philipines, Switzerland and Indonesia. So since it is Ho Chi Minh that the meeting is being held, to tail around is always a thing I look forward to. HCM is a shopping haven for specifically Malaysian. It stores various kind of kain, baju kurung, Viet Nam Silk, up-to-date fashion started there too. Many of the famous hijab fashion brand in Malaysia now tailored their products here in HCM. Economically, the labour and production cost are relatively cheaper here so they can hit a higher marginal profit. Even you can drive the bargain in Ringgit Malaysia and not VietNam Dóng! 

So this is the typical womenly part of me. Shopping. Haha. Glad I do have this kind of trait running in my vein.

Anyway. Should I or Shouldnt I be grateful for that? Haha

THE MOUNTAIN OF KAIN!

1) "Thank you Nadiya, you're a great company" 

During the first day of the meeting, my initial plan was to go for shopping on my own. I've surveyed some items with Dad the day before so it wouldnt be hard since I already have set in mind what to buy, on certain prices that I've already brilliantly (cewah perasan) compared. However, the plot changed. No, I'm not going to say that I splurged on excessive shopping spree. You expect that coming aite? Haha. It is, I had to escort the wife of other representative and be her loyal company for the shopping day. (Yeah, since her husband is working, just like my Dad). It was an inadvertent moment that I agreed. 

So guys. There goes my nearly sprained ankle susceptible to overdoing my walking routine. I think this is prerogative to the unusual habit. Meh. Mana aku biasa jalan masuk setiap kedai dan kiosk effortlessly macam tegur makcik makcik kat kenduri kahwin je gayanya. 

But the day wraped up well when the wife I escorted said good things about me of being a great company. It is a relief to hear her genuinely saying that, because if not, aku gunting handbag baru dia. I nearly hurt my ankle and get sunburnt kot! Ok. Being normal again. We talked about everything under the sun, we even ventured into topics that are unlikely for me to opinion about. It is in the parallel universe I would ever talk about the different taste of Mango Smoothies and Coconut Shake that her sons prefer to binge on. What should I care, right? But I just did guys. I DID. 

Well, should I include this. Haha. Her son is at the same age of me. Regardless anything else, this is the most tiring part for me. The match-making part; "Anak Aunty handsome tau Nadiya"; everytime I got this from any aunties, I shrugged and stiffed. So I gave her my usual obligatory reply and selalu dalam hati aku, Alhamdulillah aunty haza min fadhli rabbi maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah kamu dustakan. Ramai jugak aunties yg selalu puji anak dia handsome. Pernah tak umi puji ktorang lawa? Hahahahha kay. 

I hope not. 

Viet Nam is a busy and loud city. You can barely see any cars and 4-tyres vehicles on the road. The motorcycles dominates the way. 

This is Ho Chi Minh. The Father of Independence of Viet Nam. Which is later Saigon City to be named after this guy

2) ASEAN Representatives.

The most interesting part of the trip, apart from getting to shop without taking out money from my own purse, I also made new friends. They are academia from various international institution and coming from diverse backgrounds. Maybe I can say that I'm close to the Philipines delegates. They are joyful! Haha so funny somemore. I almost punctured my laughing tyres for excessive punchlines they made. Joyce, one of the Philipinos is a lady full with wise words to share. I didnt get to talk much to the Thailand rep, as they're plenty of them from several universities so they are among themselves most of the times, with their own language of course. 

Nota tak berapa penting: 

This one Thai guy caught my attention for it made me wonder, is he a Malay? Why he's talking in Thai? He seems so young to attend this meeting. I even asked my dad. "Ada university yang bawak students dia ke?" As I pointed to him, my dad replied "taklah, itu staff dia" I terkejut kejap. Not until he was with the table eating Bacon that I knew other than not bleeeding Malaya, he's also a non Muslim. Then I decided to move on. 

3) Father

There's a man in the group is a Father. Head of priest at his place in Philipines. It is new to me that in certain countries, the government certifies this Head of Priest and entitled them as (Fr). Like Dato, Tan Sri we have in Malaysia. I had fun talking to him, he's a man with wise words to utter, well-versed about life and soft-spoken guy. Seeing it in another metric, I believe this is the quality a preacher should acquire. Or, a sound human in general. We didnt venture into any religious topics, let alone any missionary moves. We talked about life, struggles and of course, me, having to listen about the meeting and any educational blueprint that they wish to spearhead for the ASEAN community specifically in the socio-economic projects. 

The father and the Father. Hehe

4) War remnants. 

Yeah. I know Melee said in their lyrics that we never know peace without a fight. Viet Nam is a struggling country. The encapsulated past history of it intertwined well with the World War tales, and also the US Attack back in 1960s. Viet Nam came together as a notion, to eventually dethrone US from basking in pride of their parade of being proud to conquer. US got defeated and Viet Nam is what we can see today. I dont know. Everytime I read regarding the past wars, and even the wars raging on in today's world, I always feel unsettled and unrest. In the realm of politics, war can impose either a good notion or a bad one. But you tell me now. It is always in the expense of other's sacrifice. Always. One feels smothered, another one bears the pain. 

The guide who I had a struggle to grasp his pronunciation. Nonetheless with a good English

Just a fader and doter kind of selfie

The host from Banking University, Ho Chi Minh City took us to the Cu Chi Tunnel where the Vietnamese back then build a tunnel and underground bunker to survive the war. It really denotes their remarkable strength to fight the US Army. Here, abah cakap, "kat Malaysia mesti ada jugak ni, cuma tak jadi tempat tourist attraction je. takkan lah Communist boleh duduk dalam hutan lama-lama" 

Rahmat dan ampunan Tuhan buat manusia di seluruh dunia, yang harapnya semua yang terjadi hanyalah mimpi, yang duganya segala yang hilang akan kembali. 

There's still plenty to be written, but I think I'll settle it to this. 

The Host. 

I'm back in JB Alhamdulillah, so much on the plate that I decided to just sleep (for today). Haha. Back to commitment now k. 

Till then! 

Frozen

Last two weeks are weeks full occupied with me commuting home-masjid-home. Now I'm entitled as an ustazah mengaji of my neighbourhood. Well. At least to the masjid community. I'm not sure what impression should I give to that. However it is, it feels great to have my plates full of things that are enjoyable for me to devour. Things that I'm happy to do. And willing to. 

The masjid conducted kem tahfiz, kem smart solat, kem smart hafazan. You name it. At a first glance it seemed like opening a kindergarten and after hours passed it felt like being a primary school teacher. The next moment is me talking in front with pictures from Jordan and Mesir, telling educational stories about prophets and sahabats. How cool am I right? Haha. 

There was this one night the kids were tasked to perform any kind of performances they felt confident to do. So, a group of kids ranged 5-6 years decided to sing the song they've performed during their kindergarten graduation day. How cute. The cuteness is beyond words can describe. I just let them to, and assigned a friend to supervise their rehearsal. I've got my hands full of checklists that night so I couldnt get my focus straight to watch them practising. 

Was a bit trailed off of a situational awareness, my off-of-the-zone moment was crushed by a kid humming the famous Frozen song; Let It Go. Suddenly the atmosphere conspired to let me drifted by the lyrics that never caught my attention before. Let alone what the song has to entail for us (me, at that moment) 

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seems small

The fears that once controlled me

Cant get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limit and break through

Let it go, let it go

You'll never see me cry

Here I stand, and here I'll stay

I'm never going back

The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go..

Funny right?

How a 5 y/o kid can get me so emotionally invested into her (maybe) subconsciously singing. Some of the lyrics intertwined well with the story that once happened on this date, a year ago. 

I've let it go.

But to remember the date is to keep my mind sounds of the anger that once controlled me. Perfect. 

Thank you Alisha and Amni. Good luck entering darjah 1 :)

261215

Amanlah, di sana

The moment when the news struck me, i tried so hard to hold my tears. I was speechless. Out of all things that i can be updated of, this is the most part i hope to be avoidable. Hati dan bibir dah terkumat kamit baca doa jenazah dan Alfatihah. 

I was meaning to pay her a visit at HRPZ, cakap dengan umi nak balik Kelantan, but for some reason the discussion about me going back to Kelantan left hanging. until, yesterday. this regrettable feeling. i can't even. 

Everytime One Republic's I Lived crescendoed in my playlist, my mind will drift to this girl's life, How every nanometer of perseverance in fight against her unforgivable disease always propel her days to a new notion. No matter what, to struggle is a must. How every splinter of hope matters, which what will tail herself up to stay being a positive and although unspoken, although unwritten, the war battle she's waging in herself to project a strong her is painful enough and we all know that deep down the blister of hurt is such an agony. We'd admit that, though. 

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall

Hope when the water rises, you built a wall 

yes, kau cuba untuk kuat lawan semua. yes, kau cuba bina benteng dari terus jatuh dan terus kuat. 

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad

The only way you can know, is give it all you have 

yes, you experienced a devastating love story that, unknowingly known by you, i just knew a bit of the pieces, but you still piece yourself together and fight the feeling. you're a born true fighter. 

And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain

Hope when the moment comes, you'll say..

"I, I did it all.." 

With every broken bones, I swear I lived 

yes, it is excruciating, but you swallow the pain and give it out the best you could. you did it. 

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up

And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup

yes, you had your head held high. yes, you're suffering. yes, you're tearing. but you never succumb to it and lose hope.

Oh, I wish that I could witness, 

All your joy and all your pain

But until my moment comes, I'll say..

"I, I did it all.." 

you did it, kawan. you certainly did it. 

Losing two friends, defeated by same disease within a year is not an easy feeling i have to deal with. For the record, I was scrolling down arwah Mirer's writing when I got the news of Mairah passed away that evening. 

Even to pen this, I'm disarrayed. I can't subject and for God's sake, can't even seem to find perfect words to note every surge of feeling I'm having right now. 

Almost 3 years of battling the disease, denote her life struggle. Leaving behind a remarkable piece of strength for every people to keep on living and breathing this compelling reality. Mortal beings live necessarily to die. What matters is what we have in between. 

Alfatihah buat sang pejuang. 

Amanlah, di sana. 

Siti Amirah Kamarul Zaman (1993-2014) 

Aishah Humairah Mohd Lokman (1994-2015) 

"Oh, I swear I lived.."

disproportionate

my finger just got hit by a ball just now during netball practice. such a sacred sacrifice, the finger has nothing to do with my own mistake of leaving myself unfit and losing balance T.T

well. i have this thing having brisk walk in my mind occasionally when it feels like to. i'm full aware that to write this down is quite a revealing story. and maybe your perception to me will be shifted a bit; which i don't really care (actually). 

okay. three days ago i attended an annual meeting of ikram in shah alam. it was all God's plan that i bumped into a person whom i haven't talked to since this one better-to-be-forgotten day that i decided to disconnect with him (i hope you won't read this...). i couldn't hide but to feel extremely shocked, buried my face in husna's tudung, whispering her who was there and making sure that he won't notice me in that crowded, congested hallway---

(which later that night he sent me FB message, making sure that it was me whom he saw........)

theres something in me that is so..unsettling. what we had in those past days were nothing but an unnecessary friendship. okay i even memorise my essay to him yada yada. but what baffled me so much was i couldn't recall what were actually my logical yardstick of calling it an unnecessary, better to get raid away, one. little did i realise that i deliberately didnt even clarify myself crystally clear enough to the point that when it came again into my mind, after 4 years since the event, i wouldn't have any confound, puzzled feeling like what bothered me right now. God! 

it is not that i regret over something that couldn't be undone anyway. what is regrettable is that the reasons that i listed, i am not that person anymore. i shouldn't be too pretentious in projecting a self image that i want people to understand. however it is, i knew it myself, what kind of person i am. during that moment, during this moment.

the cardinal law that should be borne in mind, we have to always be true to our ownself.

and, 

dont, 

hurt 

people 

the hijrah #2

writing from Kemaman again. its been awhile since the last time the breeze of Monica Bay hit my face. as for this time i will be staying here for a week, baby sitting Unays prior to his mama's passive on-call duty this whole week. well i won't be detailing out every impertinent fragments here. 

earlier this evening, i had lunch alone at kakak's house. kakak and nubhan were out to their respective clinics. just then they reached home i've nearly finished my meal when kakak approached me saying "kenapa aya makan dalam gelap?" 

shocking in disbelief, i replied "gelap ke?" and yep, when i motioned my eyes around, something in me flicked, nadiyah why you didnt even switch on the lights? the curtains are all untied, so there was no natural lighting entering the living room. 

and its beyond logical comprehension that whats hovering in mind at that moment was something partially philosophical haha. 

kita takkan pernah sedar kita berada dalam kegelapan, hingga ada tangan di luar yang dapat melihat kerana cerah dunia mereka. dan bila dipanggil, baru kita akan nampak cahaya di hadapan, yang perlu untuk kita meluru ke arahnya. 

aren't we all lost stars

trying to light up the dark? 

----------

ps; my formal malay writing is something next to comedy 

pss; but i hope i'm conveying the right message 

psss; have i ever managed to well-explaining myself though? 

pssss; life is such an echo, i hope my slight whisper will be amplified 

psssss; happy birthday from me and my friends

mystery

hey. just attempting to shut my eyes off. the ceiling looks beautiful tonight. i couldn't help but to stare. oh wait. it is a beauty all this while how silly i am letting the ceiling left unappreciated. and can't sleep even after trying to count the uncountable. (should i stretch my arm a bit and get my calculator? well forget it, i don't even remember where do i put it)

somewhere in my past life, i write because i know my classically antique spill of thoughts propping the keyboard and laptop as the sidekick; will reach someone significant in my life. i appear in a form of lining up pieces of alphabets because i know they will understand. i distasted public attention. i can't reach them (him/her) physically, so i chose this platform. then it gradually turns to be a routine where i pen any random stance i have in mind. so i reform this medium to be something i will look up to if i have anything bugs me around. not for those specific people to read, but for me to contemplate.

and it tickles me how diverged i was back then.

another random topic. you know. in life, there will be not a few number of vital things that we tend to overlook. we might get sidetracked by what seemed as trivialities but without us being aware enough, those are the stairs that we might need to step on as a channel in accomplishing our pursuit of life happiness. unfortunately, we tend to be lulled by the temporary delusion.

so heres the game.
how to really distinguish which are which?

sounds great right? if life will be seamlessly easy for us to catch its implicit meanings. how we could effortlessly decipher what lies ahead. oh cut it off. even to decipher what is actually happening now is quite a hurdle and stifles us a lot, let alone what is yet to happen? a comprehension that i really want to master on. to be a woman sparkling with genuine life insights, not just parading nothing but pride.

such a mystery.
and that is how the life plot that Allah had decreed is a special one :)

if life is a maze,
i don't want to be a runner,
allow me to sprint.

goodnight. i have this Locked Away stuck in my head.

light up the moon, shine up the stars. let this little girl sleep. 

Akhi Dilema & Ukhti Indecisive

Hõla October! 

Today i had an interview with Robert Walters Malaysia. To put it simple, it is a recruitment company functions as a bridge between hiring company and job applicants. Macam agensi lah macam tu. To my surprise, it is a globally established company that has been entrusted a sheer number of reknowned companies and world of corporates in volume. I just heard about this during my random googling session. So I deposited my profile there, and few days later i got a call. 

My main purpose is to get myself seated for insights seeking from a company who knows all the holes and alleys of job industries in Malaysia. I dont know. Maybe sebab selama ni dengar graduates Islamic Finance from Jordan mostly masuk bank, sambung belajar or terus keluar bidang. So it left me some unexplained curiousity vibes that clearly unsatisfying. 

Oh. I think its essential to mark here that even entering the tower 3 of petronas rendered me to be a complete out of place girl, talk about parading into corporate world? Haha. Dahlah belasah pakai baju kurung dengan tudung tak match warna. Even the makcik guard looks better than me. Even the receptionist postures a model alike! iPengsan InsecureBeta 

Okay. Lets get to the focal point of the topic's retina. 

So. This Anthony guy who glanced at my photo attached to my CV and look at me saying; oh nadiyah, you look much younger in person-- he is a help. Without any boreness translated on his face, he patiently explained to me that RW is on their effectiveness to exhaust any possible avenues for the candidates to get a job. He told me about the opportunities, life career that suits my qualification and also, he talked about keeping my options open. 

However, unfortunately, the discussion is still revolving the banking industry. I macam, takde yang lain ke? Tapi another part of me defies balik, memang lah takde, dah clearly kau punya degree tu  Islamic Banking? But no, i believe theres still pipe that yet to be plumbed. 

So i tanya dia lah. Dia kata, ada je untuk buat research. Syariah advisory, and everything on the same boat and couch. Entahlah. Tapi i still takde heart for all that. Anthony kept convincing me that from RW's end they will do their best for the candidates. Aku dalam hati, memanglah thats your job pun. 

After the moments of aspirational nature type of conversation, we went down to some casual chats. The pressure depleted. Shouldering a muddled up feeling, I exited the room with Anthony walking me out. 

Ps; he has girlfriend already.

Moving on. 

At night, I stayed over Afza's house at PJ. UM neighbourhood. My eyes widely jolted awake by few whatsapp conversation. They asked me that common question people will probably ask to a fresh grad like me, dapat offer mana? Interview apa je dah pergi? Tak jadi ke sambung belajar? Yada yada 

In the name of a courtesy of long-standing MEC friendship, i told them that i cant put my stand for anything. Yet i cant even devise a plan to get out of this deadlock. Amir said "kau dah tekan pedal minyak sampai habis dah dulu, sekarang kau dah exhausted." Entah. Another friend cakap "otak genius tak baik tersia nadiyah, kau kena guna untuk menyumbang." And, "kau first class kot, tak semua macam kau." Hm the entreching societal stigma. Belajar dalam kelas pandailah, nak hidup tak pandai apa guna. (What? Sebab aku nak hidup lah aku tengah driftly steering sekarang) 

I've gone through a lot of indecisive moments. There's time I was too passionate to pursue postgrad. Being an academician is like my sole purpose of life. The light of the end of my tunnel is sought to be shining a Dr Nadiyah posturing a very high-powered career woman. I even consulted few school seniors regarding this. Kesian pulak bila ingat balik, mesti sabar je diorang entertain soalan aku. Okay. The next few hours suddenly I feel like being an industrial expert which prepping me to acquire all senses of practices and experiences. Kena apply for management training and I might get the chance to be accepted. Then, the next few weeks I hit upon a weird feeling of settling down as a housewife. Yes. That is like the weirdest dream ever. I dont know what kind of demon enslaving me that time. Such an evil one I suppose. Haha. Hantu lah nadiyah. Oh. The dilemma is yet to finish. Within a month I'm engulfed by a feeling of being an Ustazah. Maybe time tu Ramadhan kot? 

Anyhow. What I'm highlighting here is, I'm not meaning to depict a non-purpose me in living my life. Reinstating, I had (and still have) a huge dilemma in determining what I really want to do. Ya Allah. Bantuin Nabila ya Alloh. 

On another note, it is unbearable for me to dissapoint my parents. I know, they strained me and put a lot of pressure in my life academic success for my own wellbeing. For a promising future. In that convention, I survived and managed to get an excellent academic outcome, without other social skills left neglected. I top the class, and i also shine in oratorical forte, intellectual discourse. Tapi, hmm. Teringat ayat umi masa aku nak siapkan CV to suit my application being an academic staff; "aya kalau tak nak, aya cakap tak nak. tak payah buat kalau tak minat. better tak hantar in the first place kalau memang taknak. bincang balik dengan abah" 

For that, i'm blessed. My mom is the definition of loyalty. Throughout this predicament wave of mine, she's the one who will inform me any new found in the internet. Macam, mana tahu i akan berminat? Macam tu lah. Tell me stories about career and studies. Cerita realiti hidup sekarang. Duit, kerjaya. Refreshing memories and person I met since our Edinburgh life. To evoke the spirit and passion inside of me. Trying to bring the best out of her daughter. Pernah lah jugak umi cakap yg kakak kakak aku semua doktor dan dentist, so dia tak perlu fikir banyak sangat tentang kerjaya diorg. Haha. (And, diorg semua lepas grad terus kahwin, so umi dah tak payah fikir lols umi) well, she didnt condone my act, but she's helping me. A lot.

I dont know. 

Theres so much in my life now requires definitional reform. Have to be refined. But im not quite sure where to start. Where to gear up first. Few people suggested to just randomly apply for anything. Even it is unfavourable for me and didnt suit my interest, prior to the recent economic downturn, it is not our reach to be unreasonably choosy and irrational. 

But my heart, doesnt say so.