plans

ignore the horrid face i made. that was one of our task during form 5 camping back in 2010. if I'm not mistaken, (and if my ability to remember certain selective memories didn't betray me), we had to write something on the ballon, then catering it with love and care throughout the 3 days camping. just to indicate our earnestness of handling our dreams and protecting it away from any harm and danger. phew. 

(ps: tho i couldn't remember using whose camera/phone to take this hideous character, and put it into an awkward piece of me luls. maybe it was just another nadiyah's-scene-of-rules-are-meant-to-be-broken)

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so. what it feels like of soon to leaving one of our study phase? it was during form 5, in few months from the camping date, i sat for my SPM. graduating from high school just to enter a seemingly interesting world of high school leavers. well in fact it didn't. 

when i had a chat with my batch mates here, everyone seems so joyful and eager to graduate. staging their plans for future. i can enlist them here i think (a simplified version of my friends' plan) :

1) staying at home because they stand for attending to parents is far more inviting than to involve themselves into a world full of risks and life-gambling 

(yeah maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating kan haha. but this is what i can conclude. and apparently this is for those living with luxurious parents and life so its okay for them to just graduate and go back to their bed of roses and money huhu)

2) pursuing postgrad. many of them aim to study locally as they state that they just had enough of studying abroad and being far from their loved ones.

(necessary addition: and their future husbands of course. they can't stand for more years of long distance relationship. i suggested to them; kahwin jelah apa susah. and they claimed that ''to afford the distance with husbands are way more challenging'' OKAY, nasib baik aku takde lagi someone steady so tak perlulah difikirkan beliau dalam garis perancangan jangka pendek lol)

3) marriage. i've been talking to few of them. their plans to get married once accomplishing our degree study, are certainly not a joke i've been listening from the past 3 years time. luls. i won't comment on this. 

4) into-industries. my course is Islamic Banking & Economics. and we're probably more inclined to embody ourselves into this developing sector and playing a significant role to expand it toward a better expansion. so basically what (should) we're doing right now with our life here is to fuel up ourselves with every single essential and imperative knowledge regarding it, and to comprehend every issues revolving it. hence the future capabilities to necessitate people with the actual ways of transacting complying to syariah regulation. (AGAIN, what we really should be doing lah kan)

there's a lot of probable chances perhaps. my friends are planning to take part in takaful, hartanah, zakat dan waqaf, jual beli emas etc etc. 

5) there's also this one friend in peculiar whom focused to apply for any job vacancies worth our qualification in Dubai; to be near both to Jordan and Malaysia. another LDR story haha. (sorry bro sorry)

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so here i am, in front of computer, tracing down in my memory lane. trying to analyse each one of the plans. 

1) of course i won't just stay idle at home. its not as if I'm a disrespectful child whom doesnt seem to attend to her parents in their elderly ages. but i knew it earlier umi wouldn't allow me to because she already states that ''aya cuti sebulan pun umi tengok takde buat apa. umi yang penat tengok aya duduk saja. kalau lepas study duduk rumah lagi nak buat apa" ouch sikit. siapa suruh balik mlaaysia goyang kaki je kan haha 

2) the top listed plans i'm currently having right now is this---to pursue masters (MSc in Islamic Finance) kot? but where to study, i'm still in my struggle of solving dilemmas. i am not being picky, neither i am choosy to submit the application and such.  tapi to really further and bring my life to another step is not an easy thing to decide. parents suggested UK, friends also have their full support. JPA encourages us much towards the furtherances to fit ourselves more into this course. but the more near i'm coming to the end, i'm tilted to Malaysia more haha. Malaysia-bound gtuh. 

parents also advised to not be troubled (and worried) of not getting accepted to enrol any universities/institutions i'm applying for, because the courageousness to apply is already indicating something. just not to note that it is very procedural. 

(well, ini pasca aku suggest untuk duduk rumah je after grad)

3) marriage? this particular option is not even an option. for me, at least. 

4) participating in industries is not commendable for me. i'm not interested to it T.T

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as for now, i'll opt for what can satisfy my parents. 

what i'm doing with my life now. god please help.

valued

every time i lie down to bed today, the terrifying dream of last night comes invading my thoughtless thought and mind. i felt slightly scared, yes.

why i should fight for what apparently isn't written to be mine?
why i should drench out all that i have inside of me for what (or who) that didn't even treasure me, to make me feel it is worth to hold on what i really believe in?

i don't really need to be appreciated,
i just need to feel valued.

and that, is always what i really wanted.

slowly, the uninvited hatred thriving in. and every time it comes to intrude, i'll force my best to mercilessly unroot and tear it away. i strictly refuse to let any of it to interfere; encroaching my principles some more.

entahlah. i don't even know what i'm ranting about right now. 

what to entitle this

ain't strong enough to lose another one.
should i just let it left to be gone?

you, define friendship.

or if theres even any in your life,
since that particular species comes barging in.

i'm officially offended.

split

Sometimes you wonder,

how can you patch it altogether,

when things seem to waver,

and it reckons to be so hard to bear. 

---------

these few days i seem to have split personality disorder. i don't know what i want. i don't what i am doing with my life now. 

kalau benar daun yang gugur tak pernah menyalahkan angin, 

mungkin dituding salahnya pada dahan yang rapuh? 

gagal memaut erat, 

dan akhirnya terpaksa akur pada kegagalan. 

ultimate randomness. bye. 

Aidiladha 1435H

         

*gambar sama gaya dengan aidilfitri, dalam entri aidilfitri. motiff

10 Zulhijjah 1435H;

Alhamdulillah, it's raya haji again. I congratulate myself and overwhelmed with the feeling of being able to step my feet out from the house. No more social reclusive person when it comes to aidilfitri/aidiladha. No more falling into uninvited thoughtless trance thus resolving to stay in the house for the freaking whole day. No more people had to bell my door just to check whether i'm still alive or whatnot. Thank God for my friends, tho :) 

Haha tapi kan, the truth was,

I just HAD to join them with the openhouses and stuff prior to Arief's (thoba's husband whos been staying with us. no worries, the house is so marriage-friendly haha) unwell condition so he deserves the house more than me. Lol. 

And considering the fact that this is my last raya haji here, so yeah. 

A week before raya we discussed (during my usrah) on how to really apprehend 'kisah pengorbanan nabi ibrahim' in better comprehension. As for me, that was my first time enlightened to that particular angle. 

Apa yang nabi ibrahim buat, adalah atas dasar ketaatan dan ketaqwaan pada tuhan, bukan semata asbab biasa. Dan, how to really conceptualize that taqwa stratum, it is a continous process and struggle. And nabi ibrahim's upbringing was headed towards being that very specified one. Despite the ignorance of his father. 

Hence it's reasonable for him being able to serve Allah's command though it was his son whom he laid to slaughter. It was his wife and son whom he left to Allah's shield and shelter in the middle of a parched land. It was his own father he had to against. It was his own father whom Allah had denied nabi ibrahim forgiveness-seeking on behalf of. 

My scattered thoughts had finally jointed altogether. 

The key is, the persisting struggle of shaping a better us is an indicator of who we'll become next in the future. If we cease to be such a lethargic in such a sluggish lifestyle, we'll eventually succumb to life failure. Talk about korban? Cakap pada tangan lah kalau begitu caranya. 

As to conclude, to really sacrifice is always a challenge. Right. 

---

Thank you friends, batchmates, intec friends whom i still remain intacted regardless of our diff unis (we're separating soon hmm), mutual friends etc for your kind invitation (: 

Ps: i didnt involve at all to prepare our aidiladha meal. sebab diorg cakap aku dah prepare solo time aidilfitri hari tu so diorg pulak. huahua tenkiuu hausmets sbb aku memang takde kerajinan nak memasak segala

Pss: i still hv some unsettled issues with sakinah sk. ada ke patut kinah dtg rumah only to cari pasal tunjuk whtsapp conversation. kurang pedoman sungguh makcik tu. 

Psss: but yeah, on a diff note, shes the one i can rely to, shoudlers for me to cry on, ears to listen my heading-nowhere-rants. eheh. and of course the first one to laugh when tears is really on the verge to burst. luls

Pssss: i didnt have the chance to really meet husna arina jannah orked. they already situated themselves to hv a lot of commitments nowadays haha

Psssss: the ice is broken (finally) with shaima. unplanned, yes. cant believe we're 'connected' and 'affliated' in certain life stories. haha.

Pssssss: abah sent me a picture of my family went out for arafah day iftar. with a hilarious caption 'aya, sila bertabah. inilah pengorbanan sebenar. selamat bersengsara' hahahaha what. selamat bersengsara? yes sabar jelah tengok gambar full house macam tu. just to note that anything is considered incomplete with me being out of the frame. okay? 

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Along with the feeling and emotion gushing over me while writing this post, i can tell that i'm happy today alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for this stable emosi hari ni! 

Cuti 3 hari, then naik sekolah. Back to classes and books. Dont spoil your final year nadiyah, dont ever you do. 

Maaf atas segalanya, terasa gembira nak berkongsi di ruang stor peribadi aku ini. Sebagai penguat kembali, bila sedih dan resah datang bertandang semula, bila-bila. 

Till then,

Nadiyah.

4th Oct.