Sunday, May 24, 2015

the last hug

I find it's unusual for me to not have this blog updated for any longer than a month, but it just happened. I have tonnes to write about, to rant on, to spill out, yet the words stuck somewhere in my mind and i couldn't even structure it accordingly.

"it's hard graduating isn't it?"
honestly, i can't tell how to feel now. a part of me felt the unimaginably excitement but the other part of me defies and hostilely forces me to have a suffocatingly mental and emotional mess. and yes, the latter one supervened upon the former. well, i'm not here to talk about my dilemmas between pursuing postgraduate or to 'enslave' myself first in the corporate world. that, i'll write in another entry.

This is about, them. 

I somehow couldn't express how it is unfathomably blissful to have this 7 people in my life. Aqilah with her weird life principles, Hidayu with her laughable slow-ploking but cute and Nailah with her life philosophies and genuine emotional expression. Amir and his strong character, Faiz and his honesty, Fattah and his dynamic way of viewing life, and Muhaimin with his self-proclaimed charm and appealing personality. (ps; i did not sort you guys based on my favourites, and i need to say this as that is what you always argued about)

Whenever i stared at this photo, something stirred in me. The slight emotional feeling exhibiting from nowhere to be noticed that i had when i captured this piece is still fresh. The silent whisper that rippled across my heart the moment i palmed the phone and ready to click. I'll picture this, and capture all the moods in it. And it happened. I know it is not for me to say "why i haven't met them since the earlier days?", but that is what always hovering in my mind these recent nights. Our path coincided on the mutual path, which is having the mutual interest in intellectual ideas, orator's skills and then it gradually formed to something more profound. (luls ye lah tu) 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we your favourite and will you not forget us?"
The ultimate answer my heart wanted to say right away is yes. How could there exist any replacement. But my mind had this unreasonable battle which i myself couldn't fathom and as far as i remembered, my actual answer is repelling when my mouth uttered "well not really, if i happened to meet someone more interesting than you guys? why not?" 

I might scar their expectation at that very moment and turned them down, but I also couldn't reason my answer. Then the topic faded. 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we creative and awesome?" 
Again what came from me was 'No', which also don't ask me why i said that when all that i really and actually wanted to admit that they're the pieces i couldn't tear away from my life. 

I conceded. I don't know what pride i'm trying to stand for of not saying what i actually meant. When Nailah hugged me tightly that night and said "love you kakya" i honestly wanted to reply to that but it seemed the air of words stuck within me. So what i did respond was a sincere smile and with my eyes telling i'm sorry for my own self. If the Little Man from the Paperboy suffered from speech pathology and stuttering, I think i'm burdening myself with this 'speaking-what-is-truly-felt impediment'

And yeah, recalling back those years, I've hurt many by this 'disease' 

It is not about i have to be cheesy and all about when having to say the real means, but you know, when you yourself realised that your time with them is limited, why not saying it straight away without the unnecessary detours? This is because i pondered upon what i've learnt from them. They are so honest with their self and feeling. When Faiz was of no bother of anything and started to spoke out his mind about Amir's style of explaining thing which if i were Amir i would just cry and say "stop it faiz could you just say it to my face after this or could you just kindly accept me for who i am and bear with me?", when Nailah's eyes guttered with tears of people bruising her principle, Fattah expressing his uncomfortableness, and the monumental moments when Hidayu shoot every bullets in her and fire everything out of her then the awkwardness and silence descended

I don't know. If there's one thing i value from them (apart from giving me this sense of belonging), is what honesty and being true to our own heart actually means. And when i say that, it doesn't confine to verbalising love. It is surpassing any sense that what our heart and inner self actually wanted to voice it out loud but something in us refrained us from it thus eventually portraying the opposite. Maybe you will say that being able to utter verbally is not necessarily the sign of us being true to our self. I say, it is. Because the struggle is real so if we really are true to what we feel, we can actually verbalise it. And I never did successfully surmount the hurdle. Pity me, always defying herself and reluctant to be objective. 

For indirectly teaching me this, thank you.

I will truly miss them. To the point that my future spouse should get to know them and accept this 7 kids as the precondition to enter my life. Haha, selingan. 

Provided that i'm no a thinker like them, jauh sekali seorang pemuisi, i can't conduct a random discussion about the history of christianity atau apatah lagi nak bercakap atas kapasiti dan ilmu seperti mereka. I rarely pointed out my thoughts because I like listening to them. We talked about every topic existing in this world. From what L'oreal shampoo has to effect man's hair to why anak muda inclined to UMNO and then departed to the opposition side. From what is the hukum of smoking to the philosophy of polygamy. From what it means to be apologetic to the stages of noble people. From the 12 apostles story to why we should watch Da Vinci Code. From the open talk issue to MACS updates. From Yes/No games to sudden MPV conversation. From the topic of dreams and reality to the science of epilepsy. Literally everything. 

My days here are numbered. Finals are approaching. I need to get over my 'graduating crisis' quickly. And, I, have to be all armed to bade my farewell and giving my last hug to every single significant person to me. 

Malam yang indah
Irama bermadah

Ceritera yang disingkap
Melodi hati yang terungkap

Tuhan jangan Kau seka
Tangis bahagia yang kian dirasa

Selagi hayat berbaki
Ku kenang kalian dalam doa dan abdi
Dalam kenangan dan memori

Dalam kata bisu
Dalam perpisahan sendu
Dalam bisik merdu

Aku, ada. 

(Menunggu subuh, 24 Mei 2015) 

A line i'll always keep in mind; "we're here not to judge, we're here to listen" 
I stumbled upon a quote just now that JK Rowling taught us;
"The stories that we love stay with us" 

Just when i miss my family, I'll listen to our song, I'll watch the movies we used to watched together and I'll sleep with their photo on my lap. I guess this implies the same. 

I don't know how to end this entry. And i don't where is this heading to. 
But I do know, my (our) story didn't end here. It'll continue sparking in an exclusive box of collection called; memory. 

Take care. See you again :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Penal code

It is treacherous
Purposely set up
Injustice whirls
Propagating trivialities

The verdict is unanimous;