i wanted to write last night but sakinah refrained me to. and moreover i was too emotionally exhausted that the only emotion i could ever arouse inside of me were next to anger and vengeance. and the tears sluicing down my cheek was nothing more than tears out of remorseful and regretful feeling.
i recalled lyrics from Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet which i was silenced in an awe by my junior's performance during Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan Akademik two days before ;
"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times i stopped keeping track"
in this story, i feel like i'm the Berta in The Devil and Miss Prym.
i'm casted as the Sully in The First Call from Heaven
i'm pictured well enough as the Hasan in The Kite Runner
not to forget the strong and pity Mariam in A Thousand Splendid Sun
Fatima in The Alchemist
and maybe, as to celebrate the famous Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck, i'm the Zainudin.
Long before we were born, Allah has already executed a life long plans for us. Then on the other hand, we long to know hows the plans had been. Forgetting that many are yet to come. And many also had already been marked out.
People may deny your worth. They might also demote your value. Devaluing your significance. Then, who's there left to rise up your ownself if it's not yourself?
I won't give in to any self despair, deluding myself to any emotional voids.
It's life anyway. I have so much to achieve, to revenge for.
And just to note, to elevate our self-worth is to know we are worth of something.
Something that we can thank our self later.
I never felt so strong and triumphant before, thanks to yesterday; i feel so relieved and free. Well at least the unspoken pact has come to its end. Tho it was not as i wanted it to be- properly.
Maybe i did tear up, but its just as a sign of strength and perseverance.
And maybe i did struggle enough to sleep, but its nothing more than just indicating my self-regains.
"I can almost touch your fear" ; says the stranger to Chantal in the forest, arming a handgun that could shatter any element of body to pieces.
the dialogue kept hovering around my head since yesterday. what was my utmost fear actually? and did anything almost touch my fear? thus prevailing any one of each sides of myself?
i can't seem to answer.
we can always be the master of all things that try to enslave us. Though they're threatening us to engulf us with their spell. the real enemies are not who or what were put there to test your courage. but they are the cowards that were there to test your weaknesses.
perhaps this matter did nearly touch the delicate part of my fear and courage. but as far as i'm concerned, the desire that sets us upward is superseding the cowardice that tries to pull us down.
emotional voids is cowardice, as we are not strong enough to triumph over rationality and sustaining relevant thoughts. to surrender beneath the toppling down of life is also that, as we are completely weaken by the real life steering. the steering is there to test our weakness, so why should we give in to any score or any sense that will make our soul suffers?
(okay. i'm overdosed of paulo coelho. haha)
so why the vengeance (or revenge)?
because its time to show to the cowardice which we nearly surrendered to; that courageousness is here, so bade your goodbye.
anything or anyone doesn't worth my life failures.
because life offers more than just academic excellency, being placed at the most desired position in the company, getting married to the very one that we loved (love? doubtless i say, it's very superficial), having the most dreamed house and car ever, and many more that seemingly as an indicator of life success.
life offers something more profound,
and it is the worth we have and when we value ourselves more than we could ever be.
then to make the best out of it, compliancing to what Allah commands us to be.
To the very then.