Thursday, April 9, 2015

serendipity is still is

it kinda tickling to think of how we were hurled by our own emotional thoughts back then, without even realising that things might turn out otherwise.

because that is what currently happening.

remember April's Serendipity?
it's today, 9th April.

(the last year's post)

serendipity is still is, the only thing that differs is how the day will be perceived. well to be frank i can't even seem to distinguish. a year before i was filled with so much emotion that my head started to throb thinking of how could i be that sentimental? luls. and a year after, i am still, tanked with emotion.

the obtrude reality is that how things have already changed dramatically. yeah, i kinda always sway away every time it came to intrude my mind, dodging the topics that my thoughtless trance chose to wander to. i've succeeded in my academical revenge mission (and still many yet to come, ameen) i've surpassed the challenge to be a person devoid with love connotation in her daily use, which i deem as an ultimate escapist.

but yes it still. the sight and the slight thought of it still dredged up some sad memories. i tried to be strong and place it all in complete oblivion. but God knows i can't. it is not my strong suit for this moment. amidst of gluing my shattered pieces, and when i finally able to patch it altogether, there's this wind that blew away my jointed pieces and cracked the hope of getting mended.

this date is either to dwell and mourn. or to rise and hype.

and i'm always tilted to the former.

this elusiveness and subtleties shall stop. i already command them to stop. but i don't get why they always find their way to defy me. such a disrespectful mind.


Saturday, April 4, 2015

how to be happy

I'm now in line for Mabdaie Ijazah. Just to tune down my degree of nervousness, i chose to write here.  

Yesterday, was such a day. 

I'm silenced when a friend uttered to me when i offered for a talk over a cup of coffee "taknak jumpa nadiyah, nanti kte stress" 

Lips pursed and my emotion that just get elated a while ago plunged down to sudden deterioration when a good friend of mine said "awak nak cakap pasal tu? kalaulah diorg tahu how you manage your money" 

A something in me stirred and reacted when i sensed a change in intonation of a friend out of telling her i passed the exam (while the others failed, and to the fact that i didnt study so i get the unjustified feeling). What even more unsettling is because she's one of them. 

I struggled hard to sleep thinking of not receiving a single congratulation from them. I dont know how to be happy over the offer. I still have that side in me, yeh. 

I'm squeezed in the middle when its my own closest friend is having her moment of self intimidation against me. 

Perhaps a good news for you is considered otherwise for others

And a bad thing for you is regarded a satisfactory matter for others

I never intended to trade my (temporarily) life achievement for my friends' tears. Neither i'm oblivious and deliberately insensitive of their devastations. I never am. 

And if my accomplishment is resulted to such detrimental emotional/psychogical effects for others, how could i be happy anymore? 

I'm afraid of failure
And i cant stand victory

But if this means to distance us, whats there left to be celebrated? 

Why cant we be happy without having to be sad? 

You tell me, how?