Wednesday, November 16, 2016


I'm about to hit the send button.

For people who are unfortunate enough to know me, they would aware that my basis in any decision I make is my parents. I won't chart any preferences curve, nor I'd craft my own decision-making mechanism upfront, until I know what my parents have in mind about the matter in concern. Only then I will have the trajectory needed for making a decision

And more often than not, the confluence of me preferring a choice and parents' predisposition- rarely to coincide and happen. I'm not sure if I am a failed product of theirs, unlike my sisters, or I'm just having my specific stand on everything. And the feeling, sucks.

I struggle to get positive vibes coming from mom's nuances of meaning, I will attentively listen to each off-tuned vibration in every possible ramification, to take into consideration in deciding something. And that is what I live for. As a daughter, whose life is dedicated for her parents' blessing, I fight my emotion for that. So whenever I'm being stood upon a junction of choices ahead of me, usually I will ask them "umi, macam mana? abah rasa macam mana? aya tak kisah"

At this point you might be saying, come on girl get a life. You live with your decision. Anything that you say, you'll be the one taking the liability for it. Even though there wouldn't be a high harmony between what you prefer and what your parents' thinking, it's your life anyway.

It's my life.
But my life encompassing theirs.
I don't want to jeopardise my future at the cost of not being totally blessed and resigned.

And to make a decision for such a lifelong investment like this, my heart quivered. I was tuck in between. Between what I know my preference and what I'm aware of my parents' inclination. I don't blame them. I also want the best for myself. But this fear of resorting into a wrong decision........ engulfing me so much I could barely breathe. I'm not sure if my preference is even a feasible one. Viable enough to bring along for a decision involving such a serious concern of future and beyond?

What lies ahead in the future seems bleak and clouded. I cried my heart out to God who knows every flicker of my heartbeat. This dilemma is too overwhelmingly confusing. Oh God. Help.

But I'm a grown up. I must have my own deliberation to court a decision.

And that is why.