Sunday, April 16, 2017

What's ahead?

Perhaps this Disney's Aladdin song resonates best to my feeling now

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feelings
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world 
A hundred thousands things to see
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back
To where I used to be 

A whole new world 
Every turn's a surprise 
With new horizons to pursue 

Well, that fits best I think. 
As much there are so many things that are not meant to be, there are also things that are meant to be. 

I dont know where this will head me to, 
But what I know is I'm already, here. 

Pray for the best,
15th April 2017 

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Car hit drama

3, 2, 1 dumm

So yesterday I hit a car. Yes I freaking hit a car. I wasnt looking at my phone, I wasnt sleeping tho yes I was a bit sleepy. I was simply eating cookies and singing to fend off my sleepiness in the midst of the congested MRR2. 

I never find myself in such vulnerability. I exited my car to meet the driver of the car I just bumped into. Luckily he wasnt that cold blooded, and humbly admitting his fault of sudden brake. But the law prevails, I am still at fault of not observing the distance of two cars. There's no point for me to justify this very hand that navigating the steering 

And the situation was so chaotic. You know, there's always those people to benefit from other people's fragility and hardship. People who claimed to be insurance adjuster, car repair from the workshop and people who just offering to help. It was utterly confusing. It's like being gradually pushed to the edge and you're at the brink of fall.

Then I permitted to get into my car and make a call. This is where the problem didnt seem to recede and afloat furthe: I dont know whom to call for. I dont have any relatives in KL, my guy friendss probably not anywhere near. I pressed my phone so hard in my palm. I was at the verge of tears. I phoned my parents but to no answer from the other side. Just about then I suddenly recall that kakak is in town now. I called my sister and exited my car to meet the small crowd that of no benefit but to bring more headache

It was a small car hit, happens everywhere along the MRR2. But the vulnerability dwelling inside of me that chose to physically appear at that very moment- is what makes me so low. I cried in the car because I was clueless of what to do, I feel so alone and in need of a familiar hand to help. And that, is what totally confounding. In my 23 years of life, I never find myself in such state of feeling that I couldnt stand on my own. I was defeated by my own emotion and it left me blank. I always see myself as a person who has herself all the time. Though I am a girl with emotion flooding her self, I will eventually steer my mind to have a stance and surmount the emotional flood

But yesterday, my own self that is supposed to function as the default saviour, is only dragging me lower. I couldnt even think. Blurry vision, clamped head. It seems I was left stumped and numbed. Bagging a muddled up feeling, I just hoped that the hard rain will wash away my teary face. I took this feeling as an unnecessary emotional litters. And that is the problem. 

Because when nubhan and kakak arrived, the strength that previously depleted has been recovered. I can confront with those people and be stern that I want to wait for my Takaful agent to direct me to which workshop and which towtruck. It was just that simple girl. That simple. 

Guess that I came to know myself even deeper yesterday. The side of me that suddenly unleashed, I should get it in control and position it in a better stability. This muddles wouldnt get any better if I just ignore the fact that I am that. 

After the incident, mom called and told me that my dad is on his way to KL for a teaching class in UTM. Straight away I joined him here, just to feel more emotionally secured and stable. And dad, being dad, he didnt mention a word about the accident and just told me to sleep and rest. Just this morning he asked about the incident and his remark is expected: MRR2 memang selalu ada accident, anyone boleh get into a hit with each other and it's just a matter of time untuk kita pulak kena. Hahaha. K. That soothes me a bit, maybe it's really my turn lol 

Now guys. Pray for my myvi to discharge from the workshop ward soon. 

It's never a fault of being a girl, 
Because in the end, you are a girl. 

It's never a hurt to feel in need of a shoulder and hand, 
The left of your body always needs his right part to complement stability 

It's never a sin to be fragile,
Because without such delicacy, 
You are never you. 

You are a human after all, 
nadsnyi xx 
8th April 2017 

Ps: so it costs me a car hit to know myself better aite? Isnt there any lesson cheaper than this? I want to subscribe to a more affordable one. Haha.