Thursday, July 14, 2016

the one year

I was meaning to post this on 3rd of July, commemorating the first anniversary of my last departure from Jordan bound to Kuala Lumpur, marking an end of my undergraduate life. It has been a meaningful one year, getting closer to my own self and figuring out life. It is uncannily mystifying to unbox every folded and wrapped gifts of life, but it is always a satisfaction to me.

So now I'm a Master's student, which I decided to enrol after 6 months haywired with lots of dilemmas. The conflict is not what I'm going to pinpoint here anyway. This post is to recapitulate what happened in this one year! Rollllllll~

1) First 2 months in Malaysia was not a total hype of people asking every angle and notch on earth whether I'm starting working or not. This was due to the month of Ramadan--perhaps people were too flushed to even bother and Syawal--when people were focusing their life in attending weddings. Eh no, I did receive some questions on work and after-grad plans, but nah it didn't really leave effects on me.

2) I started to survey on potential job vacancies on internet but none of them enticed me to deposit my CV. I couldn't be that type of everyone's justgivetheCVyouwouldntknowwheresyourluck type. I know I kinda sound so full of myself but please. Ok. At this point of life, I began to wage a war inside of me regarding my actual passion toward this field of study/work. I avoided myself toward leaning to any affixation on any position, I'd just try to plant the seed of spirit but anyhow I failed. The joy of being in this field seemed to be ejected out of me and I was a broken machine. Dysfunctional and out of service. So this was officially the inception period of my self-deterioration.

3) However I did realise, something, anything must and should be done. I had to search for another potential pipeline to reach what I aimed for--which, at this point of time, I wasn't really sure myself. Plethora of questions swamping my mind and thinking it retrospectively, I'd say I was a total lost. I didn't know whether I'm doing what I did because of me or because of what? To garner people's smile of having their expectation met? My parents? My what? My who? My why?

4) So my own solution (at least I perceived it as one), I registered for Robert Walters that I've posted in Akhi Dilema dan Ukhti Indecisive entry months before. My situation during this lapse of moment was subsumable under two broad probability. Either I was so done in searching for what suited me best because the quest only lead to another maze and another entanglement, or on the other hand, I simply decided to hand over my responsibilities to search for work to another substitute--which in this case; a professional substitute, an intermediary. I'm a genius :D

5) On top of that, I also registered for a Capital Market training by SIDC of Securities Commission Malaysia. This GRP100 programme in a nutshell is to nurture young talent to practice in capital market avenues, get ourselves licensed to exercise practice as brokers/remisiers/financial analyst/research analyst whose contribution is of prime significance in lubricating the flow of capital market that works at a speed of light. It is in cooperation with 100 companies eyeing for potential employees in this particular field (which only later I knew, most of them are looking for brokers--so passion tremendously and automatically plunged).

6) From this dots connecting, I got call from UOB Kay Hian, MIDF and ______ (well, I can't recall the name. it is a financial advisor company). Meanwhile from subscribing to Robert Walters service, I didn't receive any interview calls but I did get a more enticing offer which is more connection. The personnel I was corresponding with were from OCBC Islamic and (I'm not sure, Maybank I think). And of course, the people of Robert Walters itself. The office is so elegant I can even apply to be a cleaner there (because I know there's nothing to be swept, it is born speckless and immaculate. the people clean for themselves, so civilised--saves me some sweat. well it's air-conditioned anyway)

7) However, interspersing aforementioned events, there were several attempts of me trying to make a detour and steer the wheel elsewhere. I flew myself to Kemaman (please consider bus as an aeroplane ok), breathing a new air of hope to settle myself somewhere in Terengganu or Kelantan but still I'm stuck in the maze. I left the Bank Islam (Eastern Regional) offer and I walk my feet back to Johor again. I wrote about this in an entry here.

8) How did I actually fund myself in mobilising the move of this pathetic quest? Nearby by house, I did part-time job. During this part-time job period, I was unbelievably busy. I got calls to tutor kids for their Al-Quran lesson, to involve myself in Hafazan camp at the neighbouring Masjid, even to teach Tajweed to a group of makcik makcik comprising of UTM lecturers and some housewives (who also brought along their daughters, and their daughters' friends). The funniest part was when I accepted an offer to teach Al-Quran to a makcik's son, unknowingly the son is taller than me and seems quite nearing my age. It was quite an awkward encounter. Seeing it at the hindsight, I could say that it was my Ustazah side of me unleashing its potential period of time.

9) Aside from that, it was my routine to commute to UTM (not really commuting, I went there with dad of course). I was a Research Assistant for a lecturer in Mechanical Engineering Faculty. No, I'm not assisting research on any mechE projects, the jargon was a complete alien to me. Like, was that even a word?? How can that be qualified to be assembled to form a sentence?? The only word I understand from the research papers was from the title, and it wasn't all of it, I only understand words that were readily systemised and manufactured in my dictionary. I was assigned to assist the Dr in managing her publications, journals, articles, conference papers and chairing session conference to be keyed-in into the university system to be later evaluated as a prerequisite to apply for any promotion (Associate Professor, Professor etc). I was drowned in lots of papers that I wasn't even familiar to begin with. Instead of getting my work done in her quite-a-mess office, I exited Mech Engine Faculty and walked toward my dad's office at UTM International, bringing together all the files because dad's office is roomier and more cosy. (And Wifi signal is stronger)

At this pit stop, perhaps I can safely say that this was where the academic spirit in me started stemming from. Spending days with the papers and all the academic ambience in UTM, maybe I long to have the feeling of writing one, academically and being in one. Looks like the light is slightly hitting in.

10) Ho Chi Minh trip! I also wrap up the journey here in this blog. It was quite educational in one sense, and relaxing in another sense, and confusing in the middle of both two senses. So again, the academic part of me slowly unveiled and emerging from the shadow

11) I attended talks and forums in relation to Islamic Finance topics, how to get employed, how to drive our path forward, potential career headways etc. Also miscellaneous seminar and intellectual discourse to let the steam off of my head. It is abundant in nature. All you have to do is pay the fee. I traveled JB-KL countless time that I might need to request tenancy at any rent house.

12) Putting it subtly, the turning point of me pursuing Masters wasn't totally come from the unrelented determination that dwells inside of me in academic convention. Something happened, which abruptly led to mom decided for me to study. I can't blame her, mom always wanted the best for us. I was just too childish and not being constructive in pointing out the issue. I'm okay with it :)

13) I registered for Master of Science in Islamic Banking and Finance at IIUM Institute of Islamic Banking and Finance. During my first month there, I went for ISRA Scholarship interview. I didn't totally nail the session, I flunked and stuttered a bit. It wasn't an interview that I could proclaim my satisfaction. I still didn't hit my best point. However, it is my rezeki Alhamdulillah.

So guys, here I am.
I wouldn't say that it is a seamlessly easy one year for me to trudge through. I cried buckets, I prayed profusely and submissively, I knelt down to my limitation, I was knocked off hard by people's smirks when I was unintentionally posturing myself as an aimless lady, rammed by people's fixation on me who once paraded a commendable line of fame created by them themselves. I wandered long enough that I nearly couldn't find my way back home, I nearly succumb to the culturally-affixed stigma and definition of life failures--jobless, moneyless, ugly, unmarried, unhappy.

Life's hard.
It wouldn't give us fruits and juices. It teaches us to plant the seed and dirt smearing our hands. Get attuned and familiar with the tools. It aspires (forces) to cultivate it ourselves. Go out, observe when the sun is pleasant for our plant to comfortably grow. Enjoy the yield, you'll appreciate more, knowing it stems from your own sweat and courageous efforts.

At least, that's my lesson book for this one year. I know, there's much more awaits.
As things unfolding, it's prevalent that the journey is not meant for just "here nadiyah, this is what you're gonna do after you graduate. follow this steps 1) 2) 3)"; it conveys more profound connotation that only can be perceived by a rational and sound heart and mind. With a chaotic, dull and swamped mind, we wouldn't be able to perceive anything.

Berdamai dengan takdir.

Till then,
nadsnyi xx