Sunday, April 16, 2017

What's ahead?

Perhaps this Disney's Aladdin song resonates best to my feeling now

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feelings
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world 
A hundred thousands things to see
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back
To where I used to be 

A whole new world 
Every turn's a surprise 
With new horizons to pursue 

Well, that fits best I think. 
As much there are so many things that are not meant to be, there are also things that are meant to be. 

I dont know where this will head me to, 
But what I know is I'm already, here. 

Pray for the best,
15th April 2017 

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Car hit drama

3, 2, 1 dumm

So yesterday I hit a car. Yes I freaking hit a car. I wasnt looking at my phone, I wasnt sleeping tho yes I was a bit sleepy. I was simply eating cookies and singing to fend off my sleepiness in the midst of the congested MRR2. 

I never find myself in such vulnerability. I exited my car to meet the driver of the car I just bumped into. Luckily he wasnt that cold blooded, and humbly admitting his fault of sudden brake. But the law prevails, I am still at fault of not observing the distance of two cars. There's no point for me to justify this very hand that navigating the steering 

And the situation was so chaotic. You know, there's always those people to benefit from other people's fragility and hardship. People who claimed to be insurance adjuster, car repair from the workshop and people who just offering to help. It was utterly confusing. It's like being gradually pushed to the edge and you're at the brink of fall.

Then I permitted to get into my car and make a call. This is where the problem didnt seem to recede and afloat furthe: I dont know whom to call for. I dont have any relatives in KL, my guy friendss probably not anywhere near. I pressed my phone so hard in my palm. I was at the verge of tears. I phoned my parents but to no answer from the other side. Just about then I suddenly recall that kakak is in town now. I called my sister and exited my car to meet the small crowd that of no benefit but to bring more headache

It was a small car hit, happens everywhere along the MRR2. But the vulnerability dwelling inside of me that chose to physically appear at that very moment- is what makes me so low. I cried in the car because I was clueless of what to do, I feel so alone and in need of a familiar hand to help. And that, is what totally confounding. In my 23 years of life, I never find myself in such state of feeling that I couldnt stand on my own. I was defeated by my own emotion and it left me blank. I always see myself as a person who has herself all the time. Though I am a girl with emotion flooding her self, I will eventually steer my mind to have a stance and surmount the emotional flood

But yesterday, my own self that is supposed to function as the default saviour, is only dragging me lower. I couldnt even think. Blurry vision, clamped head. It seems I was left stumped and numbed. Bagging a muddled up feeling, I just hoped that the hard rain will wash away my teary face. I took this feeling as an unnecessary emotional litters. And that is the problem. 

Because when nubhan and kakak arrived, the strength that previously depleted has been recovered. I can confront with those people and be stern that I want to wait for my Takaful agent to direct me to which workshop and which towtruck. It was just that simple girl. That simple. 

Guess that I came to know myself even deeper yesterday. The side of me that suddenly unleashed, I should get it in control and position it in a better stability. This muddles wouldnt get any better if I just ignore the fact that I am that. 

After the incident, mom called and told me that my dad is on his way to KL for a teaching class in UTM. Straight away I joined him here, just to feel more emotionally secured and stable. And dad, being dad, he didnt mention a word about the accident and just told me to sleep and rest. Just this morning he asked about the incident and his remark is expected: MRR2 memang selalu ada accident, anyone boleh get into a hit with each other and it's just a matter of time untuk kita pulak kena. Hahaha. K. That soothes me a bit, maybe it's really my turn lol 

Now guys. Pray for my myvi to discharge from the workshop ward soon. 

It's never a fault of being a girl, 
Because in the end, you are a girl. 

It's never a hurt to feel in need of a shoulder and hand, 
The left of your body always needs his right part to complement stability 

It's never a sin to be fragile,
Because without such delicacy, 
You are never you. 

You are a human after all, 
nadsnyi xx 
8th April 2017 

Ps: so it costs me a car hit to know myself better aite? Isnt there any lesson cheaper than this? I want to subscribe to a more affordable one. Haha. 

Friday, February 24, 2017


You know what, recently I feel a bit loosening off the screw

My heart aches, some sadness vibes crept in. But for the first time since forever, it seems like there's a dead end. 

Need more time for myself. 

Monday, January 2, 2017

Hello 2017

Hello 2017.

Final exam for my second semester just ended, dramatically well. I don't wanna highlight on those. Nothing more I hope for, but success, Ameen.

Anticipating new year, unfolding a new chapter of life; I want to tell you a story, a story that has changed my perspective on Rezeki and Doa, and the prophecy of just shoot your best bullet then leave the rest to Allah.

I mentioned before that I went for a scholarship interview for ISRA Shariah Scholarship, which I reinstated more than twice that I was not satisfied with my own performance, there's so many things that I think I still fall short. Notwithstanding that, I did secure the offer. Alhamdulillah. This happened in February.

Retuning time to August, I attended one seminar organised by my junior in Jordan discussing the preambles and introductory of Islamic Banking and Finance in Malaysia. I was invited to moderate a closing forum in the evening, but I decided to participate from the beginning for one purpose; to meet the speaker of the first session, which happened to be one of the panel interviewer during my ISRA scholarship interview. I remembered her being a very strict lady and bombarded me with lots of provoking questions, of which exactly the reason why I was not satisfied with my performance springs from. I planned to greet her after the session ended, but what turned out to happen, was never in my book of plans.

During her talk, I darted my whole focus. Of course, she's a lady of charisma and wisdom. Her English articulation, and her conversant on the subject matter really attracts me. Then there's this one intersperse, when she asked the audience "So does anyone have any questions? Do you agree with me?" of which only the air of the aircond rattling against the wind that only answered her forward. An expression of dissatisfaction translated in her face, I can sense that. But I didn't want to voice out anything because the programme is dedicated for my juniors. Heaving a release, she said: "Being an Islamic Finance student, you shouldn't just accept everything you've been fed. You have to challenge what you hear, you have to question what you read"

I nodded. Yes. That is definitely her proposition and advocate. She told me the same during the interview. I leaned back, a position to comfortably listen to what she wants to say more on the advocate.

"You know, I once interviewed a student for a scholarship offer. I think she studied Jordan before. You should know her, unless she's much of a senior ahead. At first she told us, during the interview, everything good about the Islamic Finance development in Malaysia. Then I challenged her asking; we don't want to know that. All of that, of course we know. We are among the people who developed that. But what's beyond that? Whats your take on everything that has been contended and developed?..."

A switch flicked. Meh. That sounds so familiar. I straightened up my back, a strange surge gushing in me. Head tilted, eyes squinted. This is utterly, like a rewind of February.

"..After we bombarded her with lots of question, then she started to show us her criticalness. Only then she started to open up and challenging the development back. She made a comparison on what she studied in Jordan and what she sees during her study in Malaysia. She's a very bright student. Because of that attribute and quality, we decided to offer her the scholarship award.."

At this point, Syaima who was sitting in front, texted me "Akak, Dr cakap pasal akak ke?"
I too, was very confused. Could it possible for another person to have that exactly, similar dialogue and conversation with the panel interviewer? Perhaps there's another person, in a parallel universe, shares the same thinking with me and also studied in Jordan. Jordan is not confined to only Yarmouk, anyway.

"...and she's doing her PhD now"

Phew. That wasn't me. But I left in awe how such coincidence could possibly float. And apparently it happened.

So after the session ended, I proceed to my initial intention to approach her. I was quite stuttered, got nervous a bit. Haha, it feels like meeting the man of the dream. K. Introducing myself a bit to her, then she said:

"Ha you lah I mentioned about just now. So how are you hows your study?"

"Oh, but i'm doing my master not PhD"

"Really? Ok that was a mistake, I pun tak ingat"


At times when I feel deficient, degraded by my own self-created limitation and emotion, I will replay this particular scene and indulge, not on an excessive self pride, but rather on the fact that I'm worth of something. So I have to shine and delight myself out of that potential. Don't demean your self, don't invalidate your worth.

The narrative didn't stop there.

I was planning to apply for Research Assistant position in ISRA, I believe that being RA there will benefit my exposure in the real of academic research and writing, and it is suitable avenue for me to grasp more in the knowledge of Shariah and banking fraternity. I contacted my relative who happened to work there as one of the senior researcher, and then waited if there's any researcher needing for RA to contact me.

One day when I was buried in my tonnes of assignments and submissions, I got an email from the very Dr whose story I just narrated above. She sent me an email to offer me to be part of the team for one of ISRA inaugural project regarding to one policy instructed by BNM. I shuddered. What more when she said that any person to fit in this position should undergo an interview by the panel, of which I could bypass because she has interviewed me before and she's okay with me, and would like to have me onboard.

Again. It was the interview, which on my perspective wasn't a something that I could be proud of, that do me good the second time.

Henceforth, I contemplated on how the fate works. How such unfathomable event could lead, in one way or another, to such event that never crossed my mind that it would ever occur. Every thing in life is interconnected, and what seems to be unsurmountable is indeed easy with the Divine intervention.

I couldn't ask for more.
He gave me so much in this short span of my masters journey. The journey is yet to end anyway, but I'm blessed for all the pebbles of wisdom that I've collected throughout the path paved by Him.
I ask for all the strength to be mustered up, for me to keep going forward.

So guys. Here's the end. And here's to a resolution that I've never done before.
To believe in my potential and capabilities. To stop degrading myself and keep polishing what is there awaiting to shine and sparkle.

When people say you're good in your spoken sense, say to yourself, okay yes and I need to improve more by practising way ahead.
When people say you're good in brainstorming ideas for project, okay yes and I need not to despair that I'm such a shortsighted lady and divested of any brilliant ideas. Keep digging more to provide better insights.
When people say you're good in critical thinking, okay yes and keep reading, analysing more.
When people say you're pretty, okay and stop staring at your reflection in the mirror saying "are those people blind or what?"
When people say you're funny, okay stop whispering to self that those people are just mudah terhibur.
When people acknowledge your potential and capabilities, don't drag yourself down by saying "they don't hellish know what I'm struggling inside". Seize it.

What people see in you is a captive of what you projected to them. Yes, true.
But that doesn't mean that you're such a counterfeit.
You, matter.
You, are worth of something.

On top of that, don't get estopped from continuously reading, enriching yourself with knowledge even more and more, blend well with the environment so you won't get lost in your own maze, don't feel comfortable being smothered by your own self overthinking, don't kill yourself by your own hands, keep on practising to write, keep on trying, don't halt your effort to do well and don't ever stop, being yourself.

Stop whining that you are not enough.
You will never be. Just get off of your self inferiority, and improve.

Give room for your happiness.
You too, deserve to be happy.

Allah's sustenance is there for us. Never question the Rezeki, you just have to do your part. If it seems to not be happening now, it will later unfold somewhere later on.

When we're talking about Takdir, perhaps, it'd be easier for us human to have understood it better if there's some initial exposition of the background scene on how it will intersect our life. The least, we will wonder when things will eventually unravel. We will never stop questioning when our effort and the fate will intertwine.

And that my dear, remains mystery.
Everything we do warrants a worth in the eyes of God.

2017: is The Year.
Semoga Tuhan kuatkan hati dalam berusaha, teguhkan tapak kaki untuk terus berjalan.

till then loves.
nadsnyi xx