Tuesday, October 27, 2015

disproportionate

my finger just got hit by a ball just now during netball practice. such a sacred sacrifice, the finger has nothing to do with my own mistake of leaving myself unfit and losing balance T.T

well. i have this thing having brisk walk in my mind occasionally when it feels like to. i'm full aware that to write this down is quite a revealing story. and maybe your perception to me will be shifted a bit; which i don't really care (actually). 

okay. three days ago i attended an annual meeting of ikram in shah alam. it was all God's plan that i bumped into a person whom i haven't talked to since this one better-to-be-forgotten day that i decided to disconnect with him (i hope you won't read this...). i couldn't hide but to feel extremely shocked, buried my face in husna's tudung, whispering her who was there and making sure that he won't notice me in that crowded, congested hallway---

(which later that night he sent me FB message, making sure that it was me whom he saw........)

theres something in me that is so..unsettling. what we had in those past days were nothing but an unnecessary friendship. okay i even memorise my essay to him yada yada. but what baffled me so much was i couldn't recall what were actually my logical yardstick of calling it an unnecessary, better to get raid away, one. little did i realise that i deliberately didnt even clarify myself crystally clear enough to the point that when it came again into my mind, after 4 years since the event, i wouldn't have any confound, puzzled feeling like what bothered me right now. God! 

it is not that i regret over something that couldn't be undone anyway. what is regrettable is that the reasons that i listed, i am not that person anymore. i shouldn't be too pretentious in projecting a self image that i want people to understand. however it is, i knew it myself, what kind of person i am. during that moment, during this moment.

the cardinal law that should be borne in mind, we have to always be true to our ownself.

and, 
dont, 
hurt 
people 

Sunday, October 18, 2015

the hijrah #2

writing from Kemaman again. its been awhile since the last time the breeze of Monica Bay hit my face. as for this time i will be staying here for a week, baby sitting Unays prior to his mama's passive on-call duty this whole week. well i won't be detailing out every impertinent fragments here. 

earlier this evening, i had lunch alone at kakak's house. kakak and nubhan were out to their respective clinics. just then they reached home i've nearly finished my meal when kakak approached me saying "kenapa aya makan dalam gelap?" 

shocking in disbelief, i replied "gelap ke?" and yep, when i motioned my eyes around, something in me flicked, nadiyah why you didnt even switch on the lights? the curtains are all untied, so there was no natural lighting entering the living room. 

and its beyond logical comprehension that whats hovering in mind at that moment was something partially philosophical haha. 

kita takkan pernah sedar kita berada dalam kegelapan, hingga ada tangan di luar yang dapat melihat kerana cerah dunia mereka. dan bila dipanggil, baru kita akan nampak cahaya di hadapan, yang perlu untuk kita meluru ke arahnya. 

aren't we all lost stars
trying to light up the dark? 

----------
ps; my formal malay writing is something next to comedy 
pss; but i hope i'm conveying the right message 
psss; have i ever managed to well-explaining myself though? 
pssss; life is such an echo, i hope my slight whisper will be amplified 
psssss; happy birthday from me and my friends

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

mystery

hey. just attempting to shut my eyes off. the ceiling looks beautiful tonight. i couldn't help but to stare. oh wait. it is a beauty all this while how silly i am letting the ceiling left unappreciated. and can't sleep even after trying to count the uncountable. (should i stretch my arm a bit and get my calculator? well forget it, i don't even remember where do i put it)

somewhere in my past life, i write because i know my classically antique spill of thoughts propping the keyboard and laptop as the sidekick; will reach someone significant in my life. i appear in a form of lining up pieces of alphabets because i know they will understand. i distasted public attention. i can't reach them (him/her) physically, so i chose this platform. then it gradually turns to be a routine where i pen any random stance i have in mind. so i reform this medium to be something i will look up to if i have anything bugs me around. not for those specific people to read, but for me to contemplate.

and it tickles me how diverged i was back then.

another random topic. you know. in life, there will be not a few number of vital things that we tend to overlook. we might get sidetracked by what seemed as trivialities but without us being aware enough, those are the stairs that we might need to step on as a channel in accomplishing our pursuit of life happiness. unfortunately, we tend to be lulled by the temporary delusion.

so heres the game.
how to really distinguish which are which?

sounds great right? if life will be seamlessly easy for us to catch its implicit meanings. how we could effortlessly decipher what lies ahead. oh cut it off. even to decipher what is actually happening now is quite a hurdle and stifles us a lot, let alone what is yet to happen? a comprehension that i really want to master on. to be a woman sparkling with genuine life insights, not just parading nothing but pride.

such a mystery.
and that is how the life plot that Allah had decreed is a special one :)

if life is a maze,
i don't want to be a runner,
allow me to sprint.

goodnight. i have this Locked Away stuck in my head.

light up the moon, shine up the stars. let this little girl sleep. 

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Akhi Dilema & Ukhti Indecisive



H├Ála October! 
Today i had an interview with Robert Walters Malaysia. To put it simple, it is a recruitment company functions as a bridge between hiring company and job applicants. Macam agensi lah macam tu. To my surprise, it is a globally established company that has been entrusted a sheer number of reknowned companies and world of corporates in volume. I just heard about this during my random googling session. So I deposited my profile there, and few days later i got a call. 

My main purpose is to get myself seated for insights seeking from a company who knows all the holes and alleys of job industries in Malaysia. I dont know. Maybe sebab selama ni dengar graduates Islamic Finance from Jordan mostly masuk bank, sambung belajar or terus keluar bidang. So it left me some unexplained curiousity vibes that clearly unsatisfying. 

Oh. I think its essential to mark here that even entering the tower 3 of petronas rendered me to be a complete out of place girl, talk about parading into corporate world? Haha. Dahlah belasah pakai baju kurung dengan tudung tak match warna. Even the makcik guard looks better than me. Even the receptionist postures a model alike! iPengsan InsecureBeta 

Okay. Lets get to the focal point of the topic's retina. 

So. This Anthony guy who glanced at my photo attached to my CV and look at me saying; oh nadiyah, you look much younger in person-- he is a help. Without any boreness translated on his face, he patiently explained to me that RW is on their effectiveness to exhaust any possible avenues for the candidates to get a job. He told me about the opportunities, life career that suits my qualification and also, he talked about keeping my options open. 

However, unfortunately, the discussion is still revolving the banking industry. I macam, takde yang lain ke? Tapi another part of me defies balik, memang lah takde, dah clearly kau punya degree tu  Islamic Banking? But no, i believe theres still pipe that yet to be plumbed. 

So i tanya dia lah. Dia kata, ada je untuk buat research. Syariah advisory, and everything on the same boat and couch. Entahlah. Tapi i still takde heart for all that. Anthony kept convincing me that from RW's end they will do their best for the candidates. Aku dalam hati, memanglah thats your job pun. 

After the moments of aspirational nature type of conversation, we went down to some casual chats. The pressure depleted. Shouldering a muddled up feeling, I exited the room with Anthony walking me out. 

Ps; he has girlfriend already.

Moving on. 
At night, I stayed over Afza's house at PJ. UM neighbourhood. My eyes widely jolted awake by few whatsapp conversation. They asked me that common question people will probably ask to a fresh grad like me, dapat offer mana? Interview apa je dah pergi? Tak jadi ke sambung belajar? Yada yada 

In the name of a courtesy of long-standing MEC friendship, i told them that i cant put my stand for anything. Yet i cant even devise a plan to get out of this deadlock. Amir said "kau dah tekan pedal minyak sampai habis dah dulu, sekarang kau dah exhausted." Entah. Another friend cakap "otak genius tak baik tersia nadiyah, kau kena guna untuk menyumbang." And, "kau first class kot, tak semua macam kau." Hm the entreching societal stigma. Belajar dalam kelas pandailah, nak hidup tak pandai apa guna. (What? Sebab aku nak hidup lah aku tengah driftly steering sekarang) 

I've gone through a lot of indecisive moments. There's time I was too passionate to pursue postgrad. Being an academician is like my sole purpose of life. The light of the end of my tunnel is sought to be shining a Dr Nadiyah posturing a very high-powered career woman. I even consulted few school seniors regarding this. Kesian pulak bila ingat balik, mesti sabar je diorang entertain soalan aku. Okay. The next few hours suddenly I feel like being an industrial expert which prepping me to acquire all senses of practices and experiences. Kena apply for management training and I might get the chance to be accepted. Then, the next few weeks I hit upon a weird feeling of settling down as a housewife. Yes. That is like the weirdest dream ever. I dont know what kind of demon enslaving me that time. Such an evil one I suppose. Haha. Hantu lah nadiyah. Oh. The dilemma is yet to finish. Within a month I'm engulfed by a feeling of being an Ustazah. Maybe time tu Ramadhan kot? 

Anyhow. What I'm highlighting here is, I'm not meaning to depict a non-purpose me in living my life. Reinstating, I had (and still have) a huge dilemma in determining what I really want to do. Ya Allah. Bantuin Nabila ya Alloh. 

On another note, it is unbearable for me to dissapoint my parents. I know, they strained me and put a lot of pressure in my life academic success for my own wellbeing. For a promising future. In that convention, I survived and managed to get an excellent academic outcome, without other social skills left neglected. I top the class, and i also shine in oratorical forte, intellectual discourse. Tapi, hmm. Teringat ayat umi masa aku nak siapkan CV to suit my application being an academic staff; "aya kalau tak nak, aya cakap tak nak. tak payah buat kalau tak minat. better tak hantar in the first place kalau memang taknak. bincang balik dengan abah" 

For that, i'm blessed. My mom is the definition of loyalty. Throughout this predicament wave of mine, she's the one who will inform me any new found in the internet. Macam, mana tahu i akan berminat? Macam tu lah. Tell me stories about career and studies. Cerita realiti hidup sekarang. Duit, kerjaya. Refreshing memories and person I met since our Edinburgh life. To evoke the spirit and passion inside of me. Trying to bring the best out of her daughter. Pernah lah jugak umi cakap yg kakak kakak aku semua doktor dan dentist, so dia tak perlu fikir banyak sangat tentang kerjaya diorg. Haha. (And, diorg semua lepas grad terus kahwin, so umi dah tak payah fikir lols umi) well, she didnt condone my act, but she's helping me. A lot.

I dont know. 
Theres so much in my life now requires definitional reform. Have to be refined. But im not quite sure where to start. Where to gear up first. Few people suggested to just randomly apply for anything. Even it is unfavourable for me and didnt suit my interest, prior to the recent economic downturn, it is not our reach to be unreasonably choosy and irrational. 

But my heart, doesnt say so.