Find yours.

Hello there! Hows life?

So I think I'm going to write a bit while waiting for Abah and for Maghrib to come

"Hows life?" 

Don't you think that this question is hardest to answer? No? 

For me, providing answers, for any questions even, is very much relative and dependent on who are we corresponding with. Although we are compelled to tell the truth, or being in such enigmatic to tell the world how happy we are, or to shout to people how drained we are; we couldn't really bluntly give replies without caring for our correspondent's situation and where they are coming from

I've been in several difficult situation of which I struggled to find a good reply to this question

To people miring in such a struggling life phase, no matter how happy we are and no matter how eager we are to share our happiness; showing to them our joy would only adding more salt to an open wound. A wound that is far from healing, and aches even more if no duly care is applied. 

In public sphere, we might not know who are our audiences, or we might know but we chose to be oblivious; so posting our joy is similar to slicing the hard truth into their throat of "look at this happiness that you can just dream to have" 

To our superiors, we ought to display a positive disposition and in no way to paint such lethargic and negative person. Although we are battling against ourselves to love what we're doing, to be pumped up in every dragging day; we can't just say that in their face, all to spare our life and position (and pockets) 

To our parents, they already had enough of us pestering them. It's time for them to enjoy their gold moments of not having to worry about their kids anymore. So we can't really sigh on each moment and expect them to lift the burden for us. Adults got to carry their own load. 

To some selected friends, perhaps the best way to foster continuous good communication is to not bragging, although our initial innocent intention was just to tell. But they might not perceive and see us the same in their eye, clouded by their own perception. Don't worry, I'm not talking about you. Just, in general form of friends exist in anyone's social atmosphere  

So to whom, to whom we're displaying ourselves in our truest crudest form, in such undisclosed skeleton that we will afraid for people to know? To whom we are not afraid of exposing our mess that exist underneath our "perfect" life? To whom we would not be afraid to be judged? To whom we can open up old wound to heal them and apply the right prescription. 

They are the person we are in our vulnerable disposition with. They are the person we are in our highest intellectual capacity with. They are the person we finally concur that human has their emotional exposition. They are the person we are not afraid of giving our honest and true dispense. They won't flip it on you and they won't, instead of making us feel comfortable and better, they reason why we should not feel the way we felt and undermine our feeling. 

So when they ask me, how's life? 

The truest answer is to be given.. to them. 

For you who are still in the quest, I know you will eventually reach there. 

:) 

A whole new world

Nearly striking 25 years of living, I’d always chart a conscious mental imagination on how I would prefer my day/life to turn to be. 

Prior sitting for a big exam in high school, I’d display an imaginary timeline on what my life would be like if I secure the coveted straight As and getting a scholarship. 

Prior graduating and during my race against time in completing my thesis, I’d furnish the mental supplement to my mind on how eased and settled my life would be if I get the work done in the given deadline. 

Prior going through a big event where I was assigned a specific function, I’d picture first how the day would be and already mustered preliminary strength and mental preparation to encounter a bad day.

Prior exploring the work life, I’d imagine myself being in the position and attempted to steer the path as to swerve any unpleasant hill or unfavorable fork. 

And somehow that is what drives me forward and how I survive my day-to-day life. 

Of course in those unfortunate days, I will feel dejected because the day or the dream didnt unfold the way I hoped it to be. But the very least, I already prepare myself a threshold of what could be said as a bad day and a good day. (Fyi bad days happen a lot and I just went for an icecream binge or the treadmill to sweat the problem off- temporary solution I know haha) 

But 

You know

One thing that I can never, ever, chart an imaginary picture in my mind is how I would be if I ever get married 

Whenever the topic ventured, my mind seems to be blocking it and refuse to decipher a syntax of what it usually capable to do. Nevertheless, as the day drew closer, the mind somehow can assimilate to the idea and adapt the reality 

And we are today. The day my mind has no choice but to accept that this is the whole new world for it, for me, for my partner, and for everyone. 

Who is the guy? I spare it later for the next post I think. I got questioned a lot, to which the FAQs can be summarized into 2 words: “Why Him?” 

Up till now, I still cant imagine how I will be in the new world. I sensed a smell of fear, of course. I always got scared of not being able to be the best. That is my daily struggle. But marriage is different. Which, is an issue as well. Because it is not something that my self is accustomed to, everyday. 

I know life will be much different, and in a way, much profound and wonderful after this. Say Amen. 

I pray to God to cleanse my heart of any incarnated evil, and I pray may this life is filled with bless and happiness, as this is what my next stage is seeking for. 

Someone’s definitely sleepy tomorrow. It’s 2:40 am now zz

Till then, 

Puan Nadiyah, in few hours; who has successfully burnt a (tiny) hole on the veil while ironing it just now. 

Well yea I tried to convince myself that it is really a tiny hole. Haha 

And the fact that it is Orked’s, haha iDie. 

Nadiyah and drama is indispensable, inseparable. Lol. 

Night.