Saturday, April 4, 2015

how to be happy

I'm now in line for Mabdaie Ijazah. Just to tune down my degree of nervousness, i chose to write here.  

Yesterday, was such a day. 

I'm silenced when a friend uttered to me when i offered for a talk over a cup of coffee "taknak jumpa nadiyah, nanti kte stress" 

Lips pursed and my emotion that just get elated a while ago plunged down to sudden deterioration when a good friend of mine said "awak nak cakap pasal tu? kalaulah diorg tahu how you manage your money" 

A something in me stirred and reacted when i sensed a change in intonation of a friend out of telling her i passed the exam (while the others failed, and to the fact that i didnt study so i get the unjustified feeling). What even more unsettling is because she's one of them. 

I struggled hard to sleep thinking of not receiving a single congratulation from them. I dont know how to be happy over the offer. I still have that side in me, yeh. 

I'm squeezed in the middle when its my own closest friend is having her moment of self intimidation against me. 

Perhaps a good news for you is considered otherwise for others

And a bad thing for you is regarded a satisfactory matter for others

I never intended to trade my (temporarily) life achievement for my friends' tears. Neither i'm oblivious and deliberately insensitive of their devastations. I never am. 

And if my accomplishment is resulted to such detrimental emotional/psychogical effects for others, how could i be happy anymore? 

I'm afraid of failure
And i cant stand victory

But if this means to distance us, whats there left to be celebrated? 

Why cant we be happy without having to be sad? 

You tell me, how? 

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