Revenge

hey. 

i wanted to write last night but sakinah refrained me to. and moreover i was too emotionally exhausted that the only emotion i could ever arouse inside of me were next to anger and vengeance. and the tears sluicing down my cheek was nothing more than tears out of remorseful and regretful feeling. 

i recalled lyrics from Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet which i was silenced in an awe by my junior's performance during Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan Akademik two days before ; 

"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times i stopped keeping track"

in this story, i feel like i'm the Berta in The Devil and Miss Prym. 

i'm casted as the Sully in The First Call from Heaven

i'm pictured well enough as the Hasan in The Kite Runner

not to forget the strong and pity Mariam in A Thousand Splendid Sun

Fatima in The Alchemist

and maybe, as to celebrate the famous Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck, i'm the Zainudin. 

Long before we were born, Allah has already executed a life long plans for us. Then on the other hand, we long to know hows the plans had been. Forgetting that many are yet to come. And many also had already been marked out. 

People may deny your worth. They might also demote your value. Devaluing your significance. Then, who's there left to rise up your ownself if it's not yourself? 

I won't give in to any self despair, deluding myself to any emotional voids. 

It's life anyway. I have so much to achieve, to revenge for. 

And just to note, to elevate our self-worth is to know we are worth of something.

Something that we can thank our self later. 

I never felt so strong and triumphant before, thanks to yesterday; i feel so relieved and free. Well at least the unspoken pact has come to its end. Tho it was not as i wanted it to be- properly. 

Maybe i did tear up, but its just as a sign of strength and perseverance. 

And maybe i did struggle enough to sleep, but its nothing more than just indicating my self-regains. 

"I can almost touch your fear" ; says the stranger to Chantal in the forest, arming a handgun that could shatter any element of body to pieces. 

the dialogue kept hovering around my head since yesterday. what was my utmost fear actually? and did anything almost touch my fear? thus prevailing any one of each sides of myself? 

i can't seem to answer. 

anyway anyhow, 

we can always be the master of all things that try to enslave us. Though they're threatening us to engulf us with their spell. the real enemies are not who or what were put there to test your courage. but they are the cowards that were there to test your weaknesses. 

perhaps this matter did nearly touch the delicate part of my fear and courage. but as far as i'm concerned, the desire that sets us upward is superseding the cowardice that tries to pull us down. 

emotional voids is cowardice, as we are not strong enough to triumph over rationality and sustaining relevant thoughts. to surrender beneath the toppling down of life is also that, as we are completely weaken by the real life steering. the steering is there to test our weakness, so why should we give in to any score or any sense that will make our soul suffers? 

(okay. i'm overdosed of paulo coelho. haha) 

so why the vengeance (or revenge)? 

because its time to show to the cowardice which we nearly surrendered to; that courageousness is here, so bade your goodbye. 

anything or anyone doesn't worth my life failures. 

because life offers more than just academic excellency, being placed at the most desired position in the company, getting married to the very one that we loved (love? doubtless i say, it's very superficial), having the most dreamed house and car ever, and many more that seemingly as an indicator of life success. 

life offers something more profound, 

and it is the worth we have and when we value ourselves more than we could ever be. 

then to make the best out of it, compliancing to what Allah commands us to be. 

Till then, 

To the very then. 

101

1) if you were given chances, which decision you would like to undo? 

2) based on question no (1), elaborate the probable effects consequenced the decision made

3) and if you were headed upon another choices and options, will you remake the decision or settle yourself in another path? 

4) list the persons involved in the decision making whom you considered their views and opinions. 

5) do you ever feel worth being in the decision you chose? 

6) scale and gauge the weightage of importance

7) do you approve the idea of the despicable and reprehensible tricks some people used in their decision-making process? 

8) what is 'second chance'? and do you agree with that? 

9) have you ever thought of not deciding and just follow the stream of the flow? 

10) explain the concept of "you're given choices and you're not given options" 

And deciding not to answer, is also a decision 

Good luck

Bring me the night

Measuring days in the spaces between our goodbyes
Learning to wait through the endless parade of our same old 'see you next time'(s)
But when i close my eyes
The miles melt away

So bring the night, send out the stars
Cause when i'm dreaming we don't seem so far
Darken the sky and light up the moon
So that somehow you'll be here with me soon

Bring me the night,
That brings me to you

But when i close my eyes
I want only to stay
Where the farthest you are is a heartbeat away

Bring me the night,
That brings me to you

-----------
2nd exam finally ended. Now it's another month for my Finals to start. I've done with my last subject registration for final semester in February. So winter holiday is approaching very soon.

Where i'll be going this holiday?
I considered of going to that particular country, just to relax and stay at my friend's. Just then i defied my own idea of going there. I'm pretty sure it's either i'm relaxed or more troubled i'll turn to when i'm back in Jordan, so i don't dare to take any risk. The probable chances for both. You know, when the risk is evaluated equal, you have the option of striking back from the actual investment plan. Risk management, they say. Okay, what i'm talking about..

I also thought of flying off to Malaysia. But i know it sounds pretty useless as i'll be graduating and be back for good sooner. Whatever, still the winter holiday is sooner than the sooner.

So now i'm placing hopes and doa for my umrah application to get granted. As for me this haji and umrah are for those Allah selected to secure the opportunity. It's yet our turn. HE invited to His house, thus He wills us to get our things done and self packed to go there. It's all a matter of rezeki :)

And whats with this song?
I don't know. Whenever i have this song queued in my playlist, i'll automatically carve a sincere smile, thinking of my parents, family, friends. We serenaded countless 'see you next time' and although i'm occupied with lots of works to be done but the visual image of them never cease to linger. I'm blessed. But yeah, sequencing that, the pain of missing someone and not having them next to us is such an agony.

And the song speaks itself.
When i close my eyes, the miles seem to disappear. I'll have myself sitting next to my family, in my house. I'll also will be carried through to those days when i don't live in confusion. Then i dozed off involuntarily.

So bring me the night,
That brings me to you :)