Amanlah, di sana

The moment when the news struck me, i tried so hard to hold my tears. I was speechless. Out of all things that i can be updated of, this is the most part i hope to be avoidable. Hati dan bibir dah terkumat kamit baca doa jenazah dan Alfatihah. 

I was meaning to pay her a visit at HRPZ, cakap dengan umi nak balik Kelantan, but for some reason the discussion about me going back to Kelantan left hanging. until, yesterday. this regrettable feeling. i can't even. 

Everytime One Republic's I Lived crescendoed in my playlist, my mind will drift to this girl's life, How every nanometer of perseverance in fight against her unforgivable disease always propel her days to a new notion. No matter what, to struggle is a must. How every splinter of hope matters, which what will tail herself up to stay being a positive and although unspoken, although unwritten, the war battle she's waging in herself to project a strong her is painful enough and we all know that deep down the blister of hurt is such an agony. We'd admit that, though. 

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall

Hope when the water rises, you built a wall 

yes, kau cuba untuk kuat lawan semua. yes, kau cuba bina benteng dari terus jatuh dan terus kuat. 

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad

The only way you can know, is give it all you have 

yes, you experienced a devastating love story that, unknowingly known by you, i just knew a bit of the pieces, but you still piece yourself together and fight the feeling. you're a born true fighter. 

And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain

Hope when the moment comes, you'll say..

"I, I did it all.." 

With every broken bones, I swear I lived 

yes, it is excruciating, but you swallow the pain and give it out the best you could. you did it. 

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up

And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup

yes, you had your head held high. yes, you're suffering. yes, you're tearing. but you never succumb to it and lose hope.

Oh, I wish that I could witness, 

All your joy and all your pain

But until my moment comes, I'll say..

"I, I did it all.." 

you did it, kawan. you certainly did it. 

Losing two friends, defeated by same disease within a year is not an easy feeling i have to deal with. For the record, I was scrolling down arwah Mirer's writing when I got the news of Mairah passed away that evening. 

Even to pen this, I'm disarrayed. I can't subject and for God's sake, can't even seem to find perfect words to note every surge of feeling I'm having right now. 

Almost 3 years of battling the disease, denote her life struggle. Leaving behind a remarkable piece of strength for every people to keep on living and breathing this compelling reality. Mortal beings live necessarily to die. What matters is what we have in between. 

Alfatihah buat sang pejuang. 

Amanlah, di sana. 

Siti Amirah Kamarul Zaman (1993-2014) 

Aishah Humairah Mohd Lokman (1994-2015) 

"Oh, I swear I lived.."