Sabar

Rahsia yang ada pada takdir,

Belum masanya untuk Tuhan beritahu,

Sabar; kuncinya. 

"If we know what would happen next, we never should have worried"

A great lesson from The First Call from Heaven. 

Sabar,

Tuhan tahu isi hati kamu. 

Sabar. 

Fire fighters

The other day, me and my two rommates had a kind of conversation relating studies and life. The topic aroused when Ain revealed a question asked by my batch mates to her, regarding how is nadiyah's style of coping with studies and exams? And hows exactly my lifestyle is, at home? The wondering about how do i really study to secure my academic performances? And without putting other social skills in negligence? Oh. And the person remained anonymous. 

To be frank i'm used to this type of curiousity inquired by anyone. Yes when i say i'm used to it, yes i'm really advocating my commonness to that particular question. I completely get it how it stifles their curiosity that much. But, haih. Usually i'll tend to drop the subjects, altering the topics conversed to any issues other than that specifically me-themed; or what i seem to do more often is i'll reply with jokes and the situation either resolves to awkwardness or laughs. Sigh. 

I thought more than twice to post this. Alhamdulillah for what Allah had eased me with my studies and dreams. I live everyday with hopes and fears. I hope for my life to be smoothly carried through. I have everyday's, 2 years, 5 years plan checklists to ensure that. And with fears of the probable chances that Allah might resort those to unfulfillments, and for not alligning with what that will please His favours. Nauzubillah. 

     

I am also like you.

I have my doubts, i have my fears of not getting the best. I have my self intimidation issues. I also have those moments of hating myself seeing my reflection in the mirror. I occasionally wallowed in self pity of not attaining the best of myself. And our best standards differ, so i dont see the need to compare ourselves with other people. That, certainly adding up more strain and pressures. Plus in fact that was totally unnecessary. 

And to Allah i plead for strength to keep fighting. 

The urge of yearning to be like someone else is normal. The internet nowadays is boundless. We can be like very familiar with everyone's life, style of thinking, including what do they wear to campus and work, the particular names of their families, their pretty faces, a person's life status; either they're too lavish to splurge on Kate Spade handbags every week, or maybe too seemingly lavish that they just bought Chowkit's Kate Spade brands lol. And we can follow people's relationship progress and update starting from they're single, then they hooked up with someone, then several (or many perhaps) cheesy uploads and entries; if odds are on their favour they'll be posting on their engagement and marriage (then mooooreee photos of their romantics and 'halal' love luls, tahu pun before tu tak berapa nak halal haha k i laughed at my own lame jokes) Or if they're quite unfortunate then there'll be more and more emotional updates and attempts of gaining strength to move on. Hahaha okay again i laughed loolll. 

Okay whats my point actually lah haha. Seronok pulak trolling.

Right,

Because of the phenomena we're having today, we are inclined to allocate our times to examine other's lives rather than being grateful for what we already have.

No, i'm not saying the anonymous friend of mine asking about me is ungrateful for her life; but this is me talking to myself, why we'll always the tendency to discontent with ourselves. 

Because the achievement of other people is our benchmark. 

And not our own. 

I always say to myself;

The only person i have to be better of is myself from yesterday. 

Who cares about others?

Everyone has their own fights and land of battle. As for me, i'm scared to trespass theirs. To be scrambled with my own fights is already surpressing my patience.

      

 

Fight, for yourself. 

Everyone has skeletons in their closet, and its not for them to disclose it. The only shown is the beautiness of them. 

But y'know, its hard tho; having to live to the angelic perceptions of people; while in fact you know it yourself;

How the skeletons gradually crushing you pieces. 

Never mind;

Fight. 

Treasure

                                    

I havent yet get over of my kampungsick issue when another thing popped in. I know they intended good, they were urged to say that just to make me not wallowing in self-embarassment and humilition somemore. But sometimes i couldnt help but to retaliate and not listening to people.

My close friends probably already had enough of me complaining over the same issues (and person in peculiar). I also turn to be so worn out of emotions and feelings. The truth is i am really fatigued over this, tho i seem to be all excited (ye sangatlah tu) and so. But i didnt ask for those. I didnt ask for having this inexplicable and incomprehensible state of feelings 

And i hate it more when i'm tugged in this complexity i'll tend to push away people  and disregarding their loyal presence. Yes, they meant good. 

But after all, 

Saying "itulah, lain kali sebelum buat apa-apa fikir jauh ke depan akibatnya. Kan dah jadi macam ni" CERTAINLY doesnt help at all. Couldnt you be a bit more, soothing? At least? And not nudging the surge of guilt and regret EVEN MORE? Yes i regretted that person's existence in my life but you dont have to rub it all over my face. I knew it already, and need not your highlights. 

And for them saying "maybe awak kena settle down dengan dia" also a heart-smashing word. 

Yes, they meant good, they meant no offense. You're the unsettled one, nadiyah. Dont blame the surrounding people. I know, they meant good. 

---

Since the day ayahtok was dated for his CABG operation, i gradually subsided into delicacy. I rarely feel missing home, but this past few weeks i miss my kampung so much that i weeped over not being there right now. 

Then, 

I recalled Harun Yahya's line in Maryam; An Exemplary Muslim Woman which i found the most relaxing quote ever. I dont remember it precisely but its something that has to do like this; 

Rationality is judged based on how we refuse to succumb into sentimentality. Be it anger, passionate love, unnecessary clinging and attacment, romanticism, the suffer from the lack of (missing a person), pride, sadness, exhilarating joyousness and pleasures, wails and mourns; things that we people inclined to be clasped with. No one should feel that they are immune from sentimentality, yet they should feel endangered that any possible time they could or would be entrapped by it. Because the human proneness to it is high and always exhibit a tendency to be leaned toward fragility.  

**Okaylah i edited it with my own words. Haha. Mana nak ingat sebijik apa dalam tu kan. 

-------

I always gain serenity when i write. So here comes my obsession with my own words hahaha. Please.  

Till then.

Nadiyah Syahira,

12th Nov 2014 and;

Surrounded by kids heading back home from school and stopped by at Yarmouk Language Center to play around. Girls gather among them and take selfies with weird face expressions. Workers plucking buah zaitun. Students finishing classes for today with priceless feeling that finally weekend is here after a whole tiring week. A girl sitting under the tree with phone gripped on her hands, waiting for someone to call her or maybe rings for her a notification that they're good. A serious group of students discussing lectures. Non stop cars rivering by. People bidding goodbyes. The puffing of loyal ciggarates smoke that never fail to air the wind and atmosphere; signalling a harsh sign of an uncomfortable surrounding for people hoping for fresh breeze. 

And me, seated myself on this branch, with fingers tapping on my iphone screen, writing this post, channeling all my current feelings into this. Drowned in the stream of words. 

I wonder, how people will describe me doing right now like i did to them; 

If they also have the same thing in mind. 

Jordan, they say its an eye-sore view, rude people and such. Who am i to disagree.  

But i dont know why it graces me unfathomable something that make me to place it somewhere remarkable in my heart. 

Its truly, a treasure. 

The end is approaching soon, huh? 

it's okay

"Syaitan wants you to dwell on the past,
Allah wants you to repent and move on"

earlier yesterday i stumbled upon a folder filled with old pictures of mine. i uploaded a piece on Facebook. it was hilarious you know. thinking of who you were back than. such an irony.

indeed i was not that type of girl who conducted usrah at school because obviously i didn't meet any qualification required. i was an average student. but i did talk about religious stuff, and i could put into details pretty good when it came to Quran verses and meaning (i enrolled into a tahfiz class, okay more ironical bits and pieces coming. brace yourself. haha)

**even my naqibah approved that i was better than her. lulsssss. masuk almari tutup sendiri please. 

when the school holiday approaching, normally me and my friends would register our names to any programmes for teens (commonly known as Kelab Remaja JIM, KRJ). we were that famous and annoying team Johor whom everyone knew as a never-ending-talk-and-gossips team. masked under the 'friendly' term. basically the programmes were more to foster islamic spirits, encourages us (the teenagers) to be a good muslim, to nurture ourselves to fit into the society and bringing good influential values to the atmosphere. we camped, treasure hunting, singing, and much more.

it was a serial programme. there were 4 of them. i experienced just two of it because the priority on that time in particular was to slot my school holidays with academic camps. haha. (well even up until now umi is very strict when it comes to study. hehe. anything intersecting with studies related matter will be automatically declined and demoted. haha)

so what is it with this ironic issue?
because my actual attitude amplified the vice versa. i postured as such a knowledgeable religious lady with her tudung labuh (rasmi sekolah ok), but to recapitulate or summarise my whole real self is such a counterfeit. a counterfeit decent girl? maybe. or maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating but yeah, i always do.

i recalled ustazah fauziah confronted me in the counselling room (bilik kaunseling tu second home aku kat sekolah fyi). she asked some sort of question to the which i figured out the answer in my 20s. i couldn't respond her spontaneously and directly. i faked myself in front of her. she pointed out that she's been eyeing me for quite some time, claiming that she was close to my sisters (and parents). so she wondered why i behaved so, different? thus the meeting. she sorta to bring me closer to her, offering me to give her chance to guide me in my quest, in my growing up moments. and.. the rest is history.

macam apa yang pernah aku berbual dengan Aliya, we conclude that we participated (the programmes i mentioned earlier) merely because our parents are 'makcik pakcik' di Johor. hence the participation. but do we really perceive whats been aimed to be comprehended by us the youngsters? i don't think so. to prove that, see what we transformed into, after the programme ended. memang perangai mintak kaki. hahaha. Aliya said that it was because of our immature behaviour. the immaturity intercepting our rationality of not being too mengada. lol.

and i've been doing some thinking why we seemed to justify the previous piece of us as an immature little fella whom trying to know herself blah blah, it takes time to grow up and know the world kind of sentence.

because,
as we flipped through the history, all the successful figures were nurtured since they were young. they weren't hustled with the social medias and choosing which type of person they should cast to portray, they didnt even give a glimpse yearning what kind of women they should marry and have kids with. they were busy to focus on developing the characters, akhlak, shaping ummah future is embedded in their life plans. their daily routine and time were already allocated to mould a better them. and all the trivialities were left to corrode.

Rome wasn't built in a day. yes. true. A good muslim also wasn't built in a split second; just by contemplating the past that couldn't be fixed anyway.

i know i know. you'll say that we make mistakes to learn from them. i know. because that was what i currently perceiving. but. the regret of not starting it earlier, couldn't help but to whirl and twist around me. i often say to myself, appreciate the past nadiyah, seize the present and you'll never have the same regret all over again in the future.

but still, when i look at my friends who started way earlier than me, i feel completely insignificant. i disregarded my huge opportunity of being good. i have the atmosphere (family, circle of friends, school), i also (regrettably) have the knowledge. thus aggravating the pain of guilt even more. but..yeah.

somehow i can't really accept why i hadn't acquired this particular consciousness earlier. haha.

its okay.
it's never too late.

so,
relating to my preceding quote above; just bear in mind that every time this kind of trance overtaking the mind; it's syaitan desisting you from moving on. it's syaitan abstaining you from stepping forward and to believe in yourself. it's syaitan hoping you to drown into fragility and delicacy. it's syaitan making you to lose hope. it's syaitan scarring your self confidence.

it's okay to regret, but it's never okay to give in to syaitan.
it's okay to feel bad, but it's never okay to stop struggling

astaghfirullah.
stay in your stance.
















what on earth i'm talking about actually... got to sleep now. good night. 

Ace it

I was struggling against my unbearable reluctance and laziness to study. Books lie there before me, pen and highlighters uncapped, but with my mind drifting elsewhere; but only then a switch in me was flicked and something in me reacted when this screensaver popped out. I smiled. 

Sikit lagi, nadiyah. 

It's their hope that keeps you perservere aite? Dont spoil the happiness you've created. 

Examss. Studies. Pressures. Conflicts. Dilemmas. Missing. Distance. And all those sweet pains.

Ace it,

Just go through it, and you'll discover the ease you've never imagined occuring. 

Bismillah. Allahumma.