Tuesday, November 4, 2014

it's okay

"Syaitan wants you to dwell on the past,
Allah wants you to repent and move on"

earlier yesterday i stumbled upon a folder filled with old pictures of mine. i uploaded a piece on Facebook. it was hilarious you know. thinking of who you were back than. such an irony.

indeed i was not that type of girl who conducted usrah at school because obviously i didn't meet any qualification required. i was an average student. but i did talk about religious stuff, and i could put into details pretty good when it came to Quran verses and meaning (i enrolled into a tahfiz class, okay more ironical bits and pieces coming. brace yourself. haha)

**even my naqibah approved that i was better than her. lulsssss. masuk almari tutup sendiri please. 

when the school holiday approaching, normally me and my friends would register our names to any programmes for teens (commonly known as Kelab Remaja JIM, KRJ). we were that famous and annoying team Johor whom everyone knew as a never-ending-talk-and-gossips team. masked under the 'friendly' term. basically the programmes were more to foster islamic spirits, encourages us (the teenagers) to be a good muslim, to nurture ourselves to fit into the society and bringing good influential values to the atmosphere. we camped, treasure hunting, singing, and much more.

it was a serial programme. there were 4 of them. i experienced just two of it because the priority on that time in particular was to slot my school holidays with academic camps. haha. (well even up until now umi is very strict when it comes to study. hehe. anything intersecting with studies related matter will be automatically declined and demoted. haha)

so what is it with this ironic issue?
because my actual attitude amplified the vice versa. i postured as such a knowledgeable religious lady with her tudung labuh (rasmi sekolah ok), but to recapitulate or summarise my whole real self is such a counterfeit. a counterfeit decent girl? maybe. or maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating but yeah, i always do.

i recalled ustazah fauziah confronted me in the counselling room (bilik kaunseling tu second home aku kat sekolah fyi). she asked some sort of question to the which i figured out the answer in my 20s. i couldn't respond her spontaneously and directly. i faked myself in front of her. she pointed out that she's been eyeing me for quite some time, claiming that she was close to my sisters (and parents). so she wondered why i behaved so, different? thus the meeting. she sorta to bring me closer to her, offering me to give her chance to guide me in my quest, in my growing up moments. and.. the rest is history.

macam apa yang pernah aku berbual dengan Aliya, we conclude that we participated (the programmes i mentioned earlier) merely because our parents are 'makcik pakcik' di Johor. hence the participation. but do we really perceive whats been aimed to be comprehended by us the youngsters? i don't think so. to prove that, see what we transformed into, after the programme ended. memang perangai mintak kaki. hahaha. Aliya said that it was because of our immature behaviour. the immaturity intercepting our rationality of not being too mengada. lol.

and i've been doing some thinking why we seemed to justify the previous piece of us as an immature little fella whom trying to know herself blah blah, it takes time to grow up and know the world kind of sentence.

as we flipped through the history, all the successful figures were nurtured since they were young. they weren't hustled with the social medias and choosing which type of person they should cast to portray, they didnt even give a glimpse yearning what kind of women they should marry and have kids with. they were busy to focus on developing the characters, akhlak, shaping ummah future is embedded in their life plans. their daily routine and time were already allocated to mould a better them. and all the trivialities were left to corrode.

Rome wasn't built in a day. yes. true. A good muslim also wasn't built in a split second; just by contemplating the past that couldn't be fixed anyway.

i know i know. you'll say that we make mistakes to learn from them. i know. because that was what i currently perceiving. but. the regret of not starting it earlier, couldn't help but to whirl and twist around me. i often say to myself, appreciate the past nadiyah, seize the present and you'll never have the same regret all over again in the future.

but still, when i look at my friends who started way earlier than me, i feel completely insignificant. i disregarded my huge opportunity of being good. i have the atmosphere (family, circle of friends, school), i also (regrettably) have the knowledge. thus aggravating the pain of guilt even more. but..yeah.

somehow i can't really accept why i hadn't acquired this particular consciousness earlier. haha.

its okay.
it's never too late.

relating to my preceding quote above; just bear in mind that every time this kind of trance overtaking the mind; it's syaitan desisting you from moving on. it's syaitan abstaining you from stepping forward and to believe in yourself. it's syaitan hoping you to drown into fragility and delicacy. it's syaitan making you to lose hope. it's syaitan scarring your self confidence.

it's okay to regret, but it's never okay to give in to syaitan.
it's okay to feel bad, but it's never okay to stop struggling

stay in your stance.

what on earth i'm talking about actually... got to sleep now. good night.