the what ifs

"I still remember you love to watch the same movies even up to 10 times" 

She cracks a smile, enthralled by how vivid the reminisce. 

"Can you still recall why I'd love to do that?"

"You said that, you love the feeling of knowing what will happen next. You're proud when you can tell everyone's watching what is the next scene is all about" 

The smile just now vanishes. 

"Yeah. But life, doesn't imply the same.."

-----------------

I always love to do that. 

The feeling exhibited out of knowing what is there lies ahead after the presence or current scene is always settling. You don't have to be bothered by the curiosity or even get the stress out feeling of really dying to know what will happen. You can be full guarded to face any scrolls the scriptwriter has to present, and perhaps get prepared to swerve yourself from any something unpleasant. 

But this is life, anyway. 

Somehow I always eager to know what my life is all about. What will happen when I graduated, what I'll do after I managed to accomplish the degree, what happen to my friends, do we still keep contacted or not, how actually I will become a contributing person, what kind of person I will (eventually) get married with, what kind of woman I'll be postured of, where my dreamed high-powered career will bring me to (or do I even will get myself into it or not), and the list goes on. 

The master plan is not mine to decree. Neither it's anyone's.

Everyone is living by the present. Cherishing life as it is. Making their best of the day. Who are we to grind our gears for the tailspins of life when it's actually part of our checkpoints? Who are we to question so much when all we have to do is to prove that we are worth the struggle? 

One more thing that never ceases to dismiss my mind is, the fear of resorting on the wrong decision. Or choosing the wrong person. Or settling on a wrong position. Or standing on a misguided stance. I can't help but to get squirrelled by all these trivial thoughts, encapsulated by the fear of my own mind. 

How if my decision to pursue the fast track is not the suitable pursuit? What if I better further to the next option I have? How would I feel if I am actually advised to get the practical experiences first? What if my dream is not for me to dream? And. What if i'm letting go of the wrong person? 

The what ifs are suffocatingly torturing. 

I then console my own self, this is what the iman is all about. 

Channeling your worries to Him, handing your fears to Him. When no one hears but Him, when no one knows but Him. 

My mind jogs to that moment of self-contemplating I once had, the unsettling feeling we had is indeed a sign of a shaking and a troubled faith. 

He asked us to struggle, and tawakkal. 

He asked us to do istikharah when we're whirled by various (seemingly similar) options.

Guard your self up, rise up your shield, don't drown to the insecurities. 

You might not know whats the best for you, but you can always try your best.

Even if one day the reality hits you very hard, you won't succumb to pathetic-ness and get on your feet again as you know, the struggle is worth. And this is how we learn from life. It's okay to get diverged, to be steered elsewhere, you'll reach there somehow. 

There's no such thing as a wrong decision

The only thing is wrong is not deciding. 

To brave ourselves to decide. 

To be unafraid of taking chances. 

To be fearless of pacing, the very first step. 

Whatever lies ahead of me, it's yet for me to know. It's yet to be unfolded. 

Bismillah. 

the 4 years.

                            

I have officially graduated from Yarmouk University, Jordan. Alhamdulillah. 

During my last dot on my final paper that other day, I had an unexplainably mixed feeling of accepting the fact that, that was indeed my final sit in my class. I took a deep breath, collecting every strength I could possibly gather to face this. The uncapped pen on my palm, I put it down. Taking a slight glimpse on my answers, I moved forward, handing in my papers and then walking down the stairs of the memorable Kuliyah Syariah. I gestured Orked from afar, and making my disbelief face and then, I got a 'sweet' slap from her. So people, I'm back to reality! Haha.

I'm a bit being taken aback.

How these years have enveloped my moments of  struggles, self quest, tears, fears and gaining hope. To rifle my mind towards those memorable days, the bullets aren't sufficient enough. 

For bestowing me sufficient strength to keep on struggling, Alhamdulillah 

For granting me enough capacity to study and learning, Alhamdulillah

For giving me that unpredictable drive to settle all the trivialities into an oblivion, Alhamdulillah

For allowing me to retain my pace when the world shaking me up, Alhamdulillah

For refraining me from getting drowned in tailspins and clenching myself a grip, Alhamdulillah

And, 

For letting me to cherish this success, carving smiles of my beloveds, Alhamdulillah. 

May He guide me toward being a contributing woman, never to be such an unnecessary residues. 

To the ground; that always planting, sticking my feet onto it

To the sky; that unceasingly persistent keeping my head held up high

To the tress and wind; never failed me to flutter me with its lovely scent and breeze of hope, love and perseverance. 

Stay with me. 

The end of a something is the beginning to embark a new one. 

Buckle up, many more to come.

Nadiyah Syahira Nordin

First Class Honour,

Bachelor of Islamic Banking and Economics, 

Yarmouk University, Jordan

Class of 2015

Dont mind me

                                       

I had an interesting event happened to me today. Shushh me, dont mind me. I'm just wandering around, poking the edge of certain selective memories in your mind. In case i've already been forgotten, i'm just taking a brisk walk to say hai at the front porch door. Making you go "ahh who's there? why that girl seems familiar?" And then when the memory regained, the awful reminisce of me being in the picture will hit your mind and the old villainous deed once you've committed will persistently haunt your life. Well, in case you've already crossed that out from the dreadfulness you have to make up to. 

Until you kneel to redeem, 

I will occassionally wandering there,

Just to still remind you,

I am still alive. 

You hate this recollection?

Hate yourself first. 

self reclaim

I was packing stuffs for my clearance this month. Then it was an inadvertent moment when I extended my hand to reach a book from piles of books needed to be stacked and put properly--into the box. A book, given by a friend. At a glance, it is just a mere motivational book. But for me, even after countless glance, it contained stories and feeling I would treasure for the rest of my life.

Carving a sincere nostalgic smile, with hand palming the book, my mind rifled to various scenes and episodes I went through here. If I were to chapter and plot it, I would rather not. During this last few weeks, I always contemplate what I have gained here, other than creating social circles, getting serious in self-improvement and emotional maturity? I don't know. One thing I won't cease to forget is to ask myself every morning I woke up (or every morning when it is morning without having a night sleep); how do I feel today? 

Even until this particular second I'm typing this, in silence of the night, accompanied by the gloriously beautiful moon shining bright; I still can't even syllabise. This is, after 4 years. 

I got hurt, I heal myself

I'm shattered into pieces, then I patch it altogether

I'm sliced, I adhere it myself

I'm broken, I fix it

I'm wounded, I prescribed the antiseptic

I'm crushed, I mend it meticulously 

The book on my hand slightly sliding down my palm, and it hit another book. I smiled. 

I still vividly remember and have that fond memories of me reading the book. 

It was the book I made it a catch to draw myself into an elusiveness. 

It was last year, I don't have to mention what was the event. 

All these years, I learnt how to stand by myself. I learnt how to not cling on someone's shoulder to get healed. I learnt how to have my own hope when theres people condescend you down. How destructive and disruptive your day had been, it was you who can eventually reclaim the positive side of yours. No matter how people perceived you to be, it was you who know yourself better than other do. 

My eyes locked at the book. 

My hands glued to the cover. 

My heart attached to memories that flow along with it. 

Again I smiled.