the what ifs

"I still remember you love to watch the same movies even up to 10 times" 

She cracks a smile, enthralled by how vivid the reminisce. 

"Can you still recall why I'd love to do that?"

"You said that, you love the feeling of knowing what will happen next. You're proud when you can tell everyone's watching what is the next scene is all about" 

The smile just now vanishes. 

"Yeah. But life, doesn't imply the same.."

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I always love to do that. 

The feeling exhibited out of knowing what is there lies ahead after the presence or current scene is always settling. You don't have to be bothered by the curiosity or even get the stress out feeling of really dying to know what will happen. You can be full guarded to face any scrolls the scriptwriter has to present, and perhaps get prepared to swerve yourself from any something unpleasant. 

But this is life, anyway. 

Somehow I always eager to know what my life is all about. What will happen when I graduated, what I'll do after I managed to accomplish the degree, what happen to my friends, do we still keep contacted or not, how actually I will become a contributing person, what kind of person I will (eventually) get married with, what kind of woman I'll be postured of, where my dreamed high-powered career will bring me to (or do I even will get myself into it or not), and the list goes on. 

The master plan is not mine to decree. Neither it's anyone's.

Everyone is living by the present. Cherishing life as it is. Making their best of the day. Who are we to grind our gears for the tailspins of life when it's actually part of our checkpoints? Who are we to question so much when all we have to do is to prove that we are worth the struggle? 

One more thing that never ceases to dismiss my mind is, the fear of resorting on the wrong decision. Or choosing the wrong person. Or settling on a wrong position. Or standing on a misguided stance. I can't help but to get squirrelled by all these trivial thoughts, encapsulated by the fear of my own mind. 

How if my decision to pursue the fast track is not the suitable pursuit? What if I better further to the next option I have? How would I feel if I am actually advised to get the practical experiences first? What if my dream is not for me to dream? And. What if i'm letting go of the wrong person? 

The what ifs are suffocatingly torturing. 

I then console my own self, this is what the iman is all about. 

Channeling your worries to Him, handing your fears to Him. When no one hears but Him, when no one knows but Him. 

My mind jogs to that moment of self-contemplating I once had, the unsettling feeling we had is indeed a sign of a shaking and a troubled faith. 

He asked us to struggle, and tawakkal. 

He asked us to do istikharah when we're whirled by various (seemingly similar) options.

Guard your self up, rise up your shield, don't drown to the insecurities. 

You might not know whats the best for you, but you can always try your best.

Even if one day the reality hits you very hard, you won't succumb to pathetic-ness and get on your feet again as you know, the struggle is worth. And this is how we learn from life. It's okay to get diverged, to be steered elsewhere, you'll reach there somehow. 

There's no such thing as a wrong decision

The only thing is wrong is not deciding. 

To brave ourselves to decide. 

To be unafraid of taking chances. 

To be fearless of pacing, the very first step. 

Whatever lies ahead of me, it's yet for me to know. It's yet to be unfolded. 

Bismillah.