Frozen

Last two weeks are weeks full occupied with me commuting home-masjid-home. Now I'm entitled as an ustazah mengaji of my neighbourhood. Well. At least to the masjid community. I'm not sure what impression should I give to that. However it is, it feels great to have my plates full of things that are enjoyable for me to devour. Things that I'm happy to do. And willing to. 

The masjid conducted kem tahfiz, kem smart solat, kem smart hafazan. You name it. At a first glance it seemed like opening a kindergarten and after hours passed it felt like being a primary school teacher. The next moment is me talking in front with pictures from Jordan and Mesir, telling educational stories about prophets and sahabats. How cool am I right? Haha. 

There was this one night the kids were tasked to perform any kind of performances they felt confident to do. So, a group of kids ranged 5-6 years decided to sing the song they've performed during their kindergarten graduation day. How cute. The cuteness is beyond words can describe. I just let them to, and assigned a friend to supervise their rehearsal. I've got my hands full of checklists that night so I couldnt get my focus straight to watch them practising. 

Was a bit trailed off of a situational awareness, my off-of-the-zone moment was crushed by a kid humming the famous Frozen song; Let It Go. Suddenly the atmosphere conspired to let me drifted by the lyrics that never caught my attention before. Let alone what the song has to entail for us (me, at that moment) 

It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seems small

The fears that once controlled me

Cant get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limit and break through

Let it go, let it go

You'll never see me cry

Here I stand, and here I'll stay

I'm never going back

The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go..

Funny right?

How a 5 y/o kid can get me so emotionally invested into her (maybe) subconsciously singing. Some of the lyrics intertwined well with the story that once happened on this date, a year ago. 

I've let it go.

But to remember the date is to keep my mind sounds of the anger that once controlled me. Perfect. 

Thank you Alisha and Amni. Good luck entering darjah 1 :)

261215

Amanlah, di sana

The moment when the news struck me, i tried so hard to hold my tears. I was speechless. Out of all things that i can be updated of, this is the most part i hope to be avoidable. Hati dan bibir dah terkumat kamit baca doa jenazah dan Alfatihah. 

I was meaning to pay her a visit at HRPZ, cakap dengan umi nak balik Kelantan, but for some reason the discussion about me going back to Kelantan left hanging. until, yesterday. this regrettable feeling. i can't even. 

Everytime One Republic's I Lived crescendoed in my playlist, my mind will drift to this girl's life, How every nanometer of perseverance in fight against her unforgivable disease always propel her days to a new notion. No matter what, to struggle is a must. How every splinter of hope matters, which what will tail herself up to stay being a positive and although unspoken, although unwritten, the war battle she's waging in herself to project a strong her is painful enough and we all know that deep down the blister of hurt is such an agony. We'd admit that, though. 

Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall

Hope when the water rises, you built a wall 

yes, kau cuba untuk kuat lawan semua. yes, kau cuba bina benteng dari terus jatuh dan terus kuat. 

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad

The only way you can know, is give it all you have 

yes, you experienced a devastating love story that, unknowingly known by you, i just knew a bit of the pieces, but you still piece yourself together and fight the feeling. you're a born true fighter. 

And I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain

Hope when the moment comes, you'll say..

"I, I did it all.." 

With every broken bones, I swear I lived 

yes, it is excruciating, but you swallow the pain and give it out the best you could. you did it. 

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up

And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup

yes, you had your head held high. yes, you're suffering. yes, you're tearing. but you never succumb to it and lose hope.

Oh, I wish that I could witness, 

All your joy and all your pain

But until my moment comes, I'll say..

"I, I did it all.." 

you did it, kawan. you certainly did it. 

Losing two friends, defeated by same disease within a year is not an easy feeling i have to deal with. For the record, I was scrolling down arwah Mirer's writing when I got the news of Mairah passed away that evening. 

Even to pen this, I'm disarrayed. I can't subject and for God's sake, can't even seem to find perfect words to note every surge of feeling I'm having right now. 

Almost 3 years of battling the disease, denote her life struggle. Leaving behind a remarkable piece of strength for every people to keep on living and breathing this compelling reality. Mortal beings live necessarily to die. What matters is what we have in between. 

Alfatihah buat sang pejuang. 

Amanlah, di sana. 

Siti Amirah Kamarul Zaman (1993-2014) 

Aishah Humairah Mohd Lokman (1994-2015) 

"Oh, I swear I lived.."

disproportionate

my finger just got hit by a ball just now during netball practice. such a sacred sacrifice, the finger has nothing to do with my own mistake of leaving myself unfit and losing balance T.T

well. i have this thing having brisk walk in my mind occasionally when it feels like to. i'm full aware that to write this down is quite a revealing story. and maybe your perception to me will be shifted a bit; which i don't really care (actually). 

okay. three days ago i attended an annual meeting of ikram in shah alam. it was all God's plan that i bumped into a person whom i haven't talked to since this one better-to-be-forgotten day that i decided to disconnect with him (i hope you won't read this...). i couldn't hide but to feel extremely shocked, buried my face in husna's tudung, whispering her who was there and making sure that he won't notice me in that crowded, congested hallway---

(which later that night he sent me FB message, making sure that it was me whom he saw........)

theres something in me that is so..unsettling. what we had in those past days were nothing but an unnecessary friendship. okay i even memorise my essay to him yada yada. but what baffled me so much was i couldn't recall what were actually my logical yardstick of calling it an unnecessary, better to get raid away, one. little did i realise that i deliberately didnt even clarify myself crystally clear enough to the point that when it came again into my mind, after 4 years since the event, i wouldn't have any confound, puzzled feeling like what bothered me right now. God! 

it is not that i regret over something that couldn't be undone anyway. what is regrettable is that the reasons that i listed, i am not that person anymore. i shouldn't be too pretentious in projecting a self image that i want people to understand. however it is, i knew it myself, what kind of person i am. during that moment, during this moment.

the cardinal law that should be borne in mind, we have to always be true to our ownself.

and, 

dont, 

hurt 

people 

the hijrah #2

writing from Kemaman again. its been awhile since the last time the breeze of Monica Bay hit my face. as for this time i will be staying here for a week, baby sitting Unays prior to his mama's passive on-call duty this whole week. well i won't be detailing out every impertinent fragments here. 

earlier this evening, i had lunch alone at kakak's house. kakak and nubhan were out to their respective clinics. just then they reached home i've nearly finished my meal when kakak approached me saying "kenapa aya makan dalam gelap?" 

shocking in disbelief, i replied "gelap ke?" and yep, when i motioned my eyes around, something in me flicked, nadiyah why you didnt even switch on the lights? the curtains are all untied, so there was no natural lighting entering the living room. 

and its beyond logical comprehension that whats hovering in mind at that moment was something partially philosophical haha. 

kita takkan pernah sedar kita berada dalam kegelapan, hingga ada tangan di luar yang dapat melihat kerana cerah dunia mereka. dan bila dipanggil, baru kita akan nampak cahaya di hadapan, yang perlu untuk kita meluru ke arahnya. 

aren't we all lost stars

trying to light up the dark? 

----------

ps; my formal malay writing is something next to comedy 

pss; but i hope i'm conveying the right message 

psss; have i ever managed to well-explaining myself though? 

pssss; life is such an echo, i hope my slight whisper will be amplified 

psssss; happy birthday from me and my friends

mystery

hey. just attempting to shut my eyes off. the ceiling looks beautiful tonight. i couldn't help but to stare. oh wait. it is a beauty all this while how silly i am letting the ceiling left unappreciated. and can't sleep even after trying to count the uncountable. (should i stretch my arm a bit and get my calculator? well forget it, i don't even remember where do i put it)

somewhere in my past life, i write because i know my classically antique spill of thoughts propping the keyboard and laptop as the sidekick; will reach someone significant in my life. i appear in a form of lining up pieces of alphabets because i know they will understand. i distasted public attention. i can't reach them (him/her) physically, so i chose this platform. then it gradually turns to be a routine where i pen any random stance i have in mind. so i reform this medium to be something i will look up to if i have anything bugs me around. not for those specific people to read, but for me to contemplate.

and it tickles me how diverged i was back then.

another random topic. you know. in life, there will be not a few number of vital things that we tend to overlook. we might get sidetracked by what seemed as trivialities but without us being aware enough, those are the stairs that we might need to step on as a channel in accomplishing our pursuit of life happiness. unfortunately, we tend to be lulled by the temporary delusion.

so heres the game.
how to really distinguish which are which?

sounds great right? if life will be seamlessly easy for us to catch its implicit meanings. how we could effortlessly decipher what lies ahead. oh cut it off. even to decipher what is actually happening now is quite a hurdle and stifles us a lot, let alone what is yet to happen? a comprehension that i really want to master on. to be a woman sparkling with genuine life insights, not just parading nothing but pride.

such a mystery.
and that is how the life plot that Allah had decreed is a special one :)

if life is a maze,
i don't want to be a runner,
allow me to sprint.

goodnight. i have this Locked Away stuck in my head.

light up the moon, shine up the stars. let this little girl sleep. 

Akhi Dilema & Ukhti Indecisive

Hõla October! 

Today i had an interview with Robert Walters Malaysia. To put it simple, it is a recruitment company functions as a bridge between hiring company and job applicants. Macam agensi lah macam tu. To my surprise, it is a globally established company that has been entrusted a sheer number of reknowned companies and world of corporates in volume. I just heard about this during my random googling session. So I deposited my profile there, and few days later i got a call. 

My main purpose is to get myself seated for insights seeking from a company who knows all the holes and alleys of job industries in Malaysia. I dont know. Maybe sebab selama ni dengar graduates Islamic Finance from Jordan mostly masuk bank, sambung belajar or terus keluar bidang. So it left me some unexplained curiousity vibes that clearly unsatisfying. 

Oh. I think its essential to mark here that even entering the tower 3 of petronas rendered me to be a complete out of place girl, talk about parading into corporate world? Haha. Dahlah belasah pakai baju kurung dengan tudung tak match warna. Even the makcik guard looks better than me. Even the receptionist postures a model alike! iPengsan InsecureBeta 

Okay. Lets get to the focal point of the topic's retina. 

So. This Anthony guy who glanced at my photo attached to my CV and look at me saying; oh nadiyah, you look much younger in person-- he is a help. Without any boreness translated on his face, he patiently explained to me that RW is on their effectiveness to exhaust any possible avenues for the candidates to get a job. He told me about the opportunities, life career that suits my qualification and also, he talked about keeping my options open. 

However, unfortunately, the discussion is still revolving the banking industry. I macam, takde yang lain ke? Tapi another part of me defies balik, memang lah takde, dah clearly kau punya degree tu  Islamic Banking? But no, i believe theres still pipe that yet to be plumbed. 

So i tanya dia lah. Dia kata, ada je untuk buat research. Syariah advisory, and everything on the same boat and couch. Entahlah. Tapi i still takde heart for all that. Anthony kept convincing me that from RW's end they will do their best for the candidates. Aku dalam hati, memanglah thats your job pun. 

After the moments of aspirational nature type of conversation, we went down to some casual chats. The pressure depleted. Shouldering a muddled up feeling, I exited the room with Anthony walking me out. 

Ps; he has girlfriend already.

Moving on. 

At night, I stayed over Afza's house at PJ. UM neighbourhood. My eyes widely jolted awake by few whatsapp conversation. They asked me that common question people will probably ask to a fresh grad like me, dapat offer mana? Interview apa je dah pergi? Tak jadi ke sambung belajar? Yada yada 

In the name of a courtesy of long-standing MEC friendship, i told them that i cant put my stand for anything. Yet i cant even devise a plan to get out of this deadlock. Amir said "kau dah tekan pedal minyak sampai habis dah dulu, sekarang kau dah exhausted." Entah. Another friend cakap "otak genius tak baik tersia nadiyah, kau kena guna untuk menyumbang." And, "kau first class kot, tak semua macam kau." Hm the entreching societal stigma. Belajar dalam kelas pandailah, nak hidup tak pandai apa guna. (What? Sebab aku nak hidup lah aku tengah driftly steering sekarang) 

I've gone through a lot of indecisive moments. There's time I was too passionate to pursue postgrad. Being an academician is like my sole purpose of life. The light of the end of my tunnel is sought to be shining a Dr Nadiyah posturing a very high-powered career woman. I even consulted few school seniors regarding this. Kesian pulak bila ingat balik, mesti sabar je diorang entertain soalan aku. Okay. The next few hours suddenly I feel like being an industrial expert which prepping me to acquire all senses of practices and experiences. Kena apply for management training and I might get the chance to be accepted. Then, the next few weeks I hit upon a weird feeling of settling down as a housewife. Yes. That is like the weirdest dream ever. I dont know what kind of demon enslaving me that time. Such an evil one I suppose. Haha. Hantu lah nadiyah. Oh. The dilemma is yet to finish. Within a month I'm engulfed by a feeling of being an Ustazah. Maybe time tu Ramadhan kot? 

Anyhow. What I'm highlighting here is, I'm not meaning to depict a non-purpose me in living my life. Reinstating, I had (and still have) a huge dilemma in determining what I really want to do. Ya Allah. Bantuin Nabila ya Alloh. 

On another note, it is unbearable for me to dissapoint my parents. I know, they strained me and put a lot of pressure in my life academic success for my own wellbeing. For a promising future. In that convention, I survived and managed to get an excellent academic outcome, without other social skills left neglected. I top the class, and i also shine in oratorical forte, intellectual discourse. Tapi, hmm. Teringat ayat umi masa aku nak siapkan CV to suit my application being an academic staff; "aya kalau tak nak, aya cakap tak nak. tak payah buat kalau tak minat. better tak hantar in the first place kalau memang taknak. bincang balik dengan abah" 

For that, i'm blessed. My mom is the definition of loyalty. Throughout this predicament wave of mine, she's the one who will inform me any new found in the internet. Macam, mana tahu i akan berminat? Macam tu lah. Tell me stories about career and studies. Cerita realiti hidup sekarang. Duit, kerjaya. Refreshing memories and person I met since our Edinburgh life. To evoke the spirit and passion inside of me. Trying to bring the best out of her daughter. Pernah lah jugak umi cakap yg kakak kakak aku semua doktor dan dentist, so dia tak perlu fikir banyak sangat tentang kerjaya diorg. Haha. (And, diorg semua lepas grad terus kahwin, so umi dah tak payah fikir lols umi) well, she didnt condone my act, but she's helping me. A lot.

I dont know. 

Theres so much in my life now requires definitional reform. Have to be refined. But im not quite sure where to start. Where to gear up first. Few people suggested to just randomly apply for anything. Even it is unfavourable for me and didnt suit my interest, prior to the recent economic downturn, it is not our reach to be unreasonably choosy and irrational. 

But my heart, doesnt say so.  

.

Time has that special power for;

Everything. 

Coveted space of memory

People can be sentimental over everything. Anything that encapsulating a good fond memories of their life. Perhaps it doesnt confine only to the good recollections, any unfavourable events which logically people would just erase it out of their life, unplug everything they could have, but somehow those memories are the only valid claim of a version of theirselves that they had been, which what makes them who they are now. 

Last night abah sent this to the family group. I somehow can relate to the feeling of having recollected by those past moments of living in Edinburgh. Just as I felt that Jordan is the witness of mine, although many years had elapsed but still the fond attachment to the land that once we had stepped on which perhaps is the one of those checkpoints of creating the future. So i can resonate the feeling well, which i know it will be incomprehensibly unclicked to other people. 

Abah must have been very reminisced during his stay in Edinburgh now. To be who he is today, that Scottish land sealed the struggles and sweats. I believe that every inch he paces is evoking sweet thought of the past days there. 

Edinburgh. Where my childhood begins. 

The hijrah #1

I am recently updating from Kemaman, Terengganu. Tomorrow I'll be having my first interview in Kuala Terengganu. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you hear me. My very first interview. And yes. It is being held in KT. 

Since my arrival in KL 2 months back, all that i'm doing is having my self blanketed with all the leisures i can get at home. Spending time with umi, since umi is on her unpaid leave, babysitting the nieces and also doing housechores (except cooking). Yes, except cooking. You hear me once again. When was the last time i had myself holding senduk to tumis? Entah. Haha. 

I dont know why i even brave myself to agree, and take the 8hours bus ride, getting prepared for the interview wayy far from home. 

These recent weeks i was not in my ideal and stable emotional basis. I distanced myself from everyone near me. Except for few friends that i couldnt even in the first place creating the miles in between us because of family matters. Sudden distaste for social networks. I refuse to be present. My indulgence in everything that seems to be my interest before turn to be the ultimate mundaneness. Apart from being clouded by the future endeavours, the passionate feeling to pursue anything in life is like being ejected out of me. For the reasons i couldnt fathom. 

Being lectured by abah and umi, its my daily staple diet. So. This stipulating crisis of mine doesnt seem to find exit. 

And that is how my current presence in Kemaman. Dont ask me why, i also dont know what i am doing right now.

Ps; i am reachable through whatsapp and this blog. I'll update more insyaallah. 

Pss; i hope i'll get back on track sooner. It suffocates me sometime. But another time, to be drowned suffices self-satisfactory more. 

Till then! 

Hm nak jawab apa interview esok ni..

22

I have no vivid memories of what were actually happening throughout the year. I cant grip any solid remains of it. Every moment that I tried to capture and clasp it properly, slipped away effortlessly from me. All that I know now, when I palm my phone tonight, it is 16th August again. It is not the time that flies, it is me who flew all the way from the cage of the past, the box of the old days. 

For every eventful reminisce, 

For every regretful regain, 

I thank Allah for letting me to experience this life, 

Which I dont know for how long it will last. 

So just, 

Cherishing life, as it is :) 

Ah well. For whatever poetic lines I'm trying to inscribe here, still couldn't depict the actual picture of what my mind is thinking about. 

Happy 22nd Birthday Nadiyah Syahira, 

I, still, love you :) 

Does it ever drive you crazy,

Just how fast the night changes.  

0908

Di bayang mata

Melarik senyum

Yang nyata

Tuhan yang tahu. 

Raya (i)

I

I'm attempting to impress my little cousin, Zarif. 

"Cantiknya baju zarif"

"Meme ah" 

"-.-"

II 

And then after i slightly succeeded to win his attention, he just couldnt stop talking. With limited language acquisition of mine, i had a hurdle to keep the conversation going and win his heart. Haha. But things get better by time. 

"Rumah zarif banjir marin kakya tau dok"

"Kakya tau je. Banyak ke air naik rumah?"

"Sekat dada zarif. Kalu papa bawoh sikit lutut. Tapi mainan zarif ado keno selut. Ado yang mama doh susuk habih mugo takut air naik tinggi"

"Hah yelah. Tapi mama ngandung ko zahra kan. Zarif kenapa tak tolong mama"

"Eh kakya panda kecek ko dok ni. Bakpo lah tok panda. Huk aloh kakya" 

"-.-"

III

He never failed to make me go -.- after i conversed with him. And the ultimate one;

"Zarif banyaknya makan. Sedap kan nenek punya soto" 

"Kakya make lagi banyok. Dari sakni tok sudoh lagi" 

"-.-" 

Selamat hari raya! 

I had fun celebrating raya in Kelantan after 2 years havent got the chance to visit my lovely land. Now im on my way back to Johor. And oh, before it slipped away from my mind, after getting countless question of when will i be getting married from the relatives, i came to a conclusion that the added point to fit into the family is the future mine has to be from pantai timur background. It's better. And yeah, do prepare for the worst. Haha. 

Have a safe trip õ dear self! 

good bye

I bid my farewell

Thank you for witnessing my struggles

Thank you for the silence that always bringing me hope

Thank you for the parched land that always quenching the thirst

Thank you for letting me to meet all the wonderful people

Thank you. 

For now,

Let me proceed with the next phase of life. 

Till then, Jordan. 

You are such a memory :) 

Nadiyah Syahira

3rd July 2015 

8:12pm 

the what ifs

"I still remember you love to watch the same movies even up to 10 times" 

She cracks a smile, enthralled by how vivid the reminisce. 

"Can you still recall why I'd love to do that?"

"You said that, you love the feeling of knowing what will happen next. You're proud when you can tell everyone's watching what is the next scene is all about" 

The smile just now vanishes. 

"Yeah. But life, doesn't imply the same.."

-----------------

I always love to do that. 

The feeling exhibited out of knowing what is there lies ahead after the presence or current scene is always settling. You don't have to be bothered by the curiosity or even get the stress out feeling of really dying to know what will happen. You can be full guarded to face any scrolls the scriptwriter has to present, and perhaps get prepared to swerve yourself from any something unpleasant. 

But this is life, anyway. 

Somehow I always eager to know what my life is all about. What will happen when I graduated, what I'll do after I managed to accomplish the degree, what happen to my friends, do we still keep contacted or not, how actually I will become a contributing person, what kind of person I will (eventually) get married with, what kind of woman I'll be postured of, where my dreamed high-powered career will bring me to (or do I even will get myself into it or not), and the list goes on. 

The master plan is not mine to decree. Neither it's anyone's.

Everyone is living by the present. Cherishing life as it is. Making their best of the day. Who are we to grind our gears for the tailspins of life when it's actually part of our checkpoints? Who are we to question so much when all we have to do is to prove that we are worth the struggle? 

One more thing that never ceases to dismiss my mind is, the fear of resorting on the wrong decision. Or choosing the wrong person. Or settling on a wrong position. Or standing on a misguided stance. I can't help but to get squirrelled by all these trivial thoughts, encapsulated by the fear of my own mind. 

How if my decision to pursue the fast track is not the suitable pursuit? What if I better further to the next option I have? How would I feel if I am actually advised to get the practical experiences first? What if my dream is not for me to dream? And. What if i'm letting go of the wrong person? 

The what ifs are suffocatingly torturing. 

I then console my own self, this is what the iman is all about. 

Channeling your worries to Him, handing your fears to Him. When no one hears but Him, when no one knows but Him. 

My mind jogs to that moment of self-contemplating I once had, the unsettling feeling we had is indeed a sign of a shaking and a troubled faith. 

He asked us to struggle, and tawakkal. 

He asked us to do istikharah when we're whirled by various (seemingly similar) options.

Guard your self up, rise up your shield, don't drown to the insecurities. 

You might not know whats the best for you, but you can always try your best.

Even if one day the reality hits you very hard, you won't succumb to pathetic-ness and get on your feet again as you know, the struggle is worth. And this is how we learn from life. It's okay to get diverged, to be steered elsewhere, you'll reach there somehow. 

There's no such thing as a wrong decision

The only thing is wrong is not deciding. 

To brave ourselves to decide. 

To be unafraid of taking chances. 

To be fearless of pacing, the very first step. 

Whatever lies ahead of me, it's yet for me to know. It's yet to be unfolded. 

Bismillah. 

the 4 years.

                            

I have officially graduated from Yarmouk University, Jordan. Alhamdulillah. 

During my last dot on my final paper that other day, I had an unexplainably mixed feeling of accepting the fact that, that was indeed my final sit in my class. I took a deep breath, collecting every strength I could possibly gather to face this. The uncapped pen on my palm, I put it down. Taking a slight glimpse on my answers, I moved forward, handing in my papers and then walking down the stairs of the memorable Kuliyah Syariah. I gestured Orked from afar, and making my disbelief face and then, I got a 'sweet' slap from her. So people, I'm back to reality! Haha.

I'm a bit being taken aback.

How these years have enveloped my moments of  struggles, self quest, tears, fears and gaining hope. To rifle my mind towards those memorable days, the bullets aren't sufficient enough. 

For bestowing me sufficient strength to keep on struggling, Alhamdulillah 

For granting me enough capacity to study and learning, Alhamdulillah

For giving me that unpredictable drive to settle all the trivialities into an oblivion, Alhamdulillah

For allowing me to retain my pace when the world shaking me up, Alhamdulillah

For refraining me from getting drowned in tailspins and clenching myself a grip, Alhamdulillah

And, 

For letting me to cherish this success, carving smiles of my beloveds, Alhamdulillah. 

May He guide me toward being a contributing woman, never to be such an unnecessary residues. 

To the ground; that always planting, sticking my feet onto it

To the sky; that unceasingly persistent keeping my head held up high

To the tress and wind; never failed me to flutter me with its lovely scent and breeze of hope, love and perseverance. 

Stay with me. 

The end of a something is the beginning to embark a new one. 

Buckle up, many more to come.

Nadiyah Syahira Nordin

First Class Honour,

Bachelor of Islamic Banking and Economics, 

Yarmouk University, Jordan

Class of 2015

Dont mind me

                                       

I had an interesting event happened to me today. Shushh me, dont mind me. I'm just wandering around, poking the edge of certain selective memories in your mind. In case i've already been forgotten, i'm just taking a brisk walk to say hai at the front porch door. Making you go "ahh who's there? why that girl seems familiar?" And then when the memory regained, the awful reminisce of me being in the picture will hit your mind and the old villainous deed once you've committed will persistently haunt your life. Well, in case you've already crossed that out from the dreadfulness you have to make up to. 

Until you kneel to redeem, 

I will occassionally wandering there,

Just to still remind you,

I am still alive. 

You hate this recollection?

Hate yourself first. 

self reclaim

I was packing stuffs for my clearance this month. Then it was an inadvertent moment when I extended my hand to reach a book from piles of books needed to be stacked and put properly--into the box. A book, given by a friend. At a glance, it is just a mere motivational book. But for me, even after countless glance, it contained stories and feeling I would treasure for the rest of my life.

Carving a sincere nostalgic smile, with hand palming the book, my mind rifled to various scenes and episodes I went through here. If I were to chapter and plot it, I would rather not. During this last few weeks, I always contemplate what I have gained here, other than creating social circles, getting serious in self-improvement and emotional maturity? I don't know. One thing I won't cease to forget is to ask myself every morning I woke up (or every morning when it is morning without having a night sleep); how do I feel today? 

Even until this particular second I'm typing this, in silence of the night, accompanied by the gloriously beautiful moon shining bright; I still can't even syllabise. This is, after 4 years. 

I got hurt, I heal myself

I'm shattered into pieces, then I patch it altogether

I'm sliced, I adhere it myself

I'm broken, I fix it

I'm wounded, I prescribed the antiseptic

I'm crushed, I mend it meticulously 

The book on my hand slightly sliding down my palm, and it hit another book. I smiled. 

I still vividly remember and have that fond memories of me reading the book. 

It was the book I made it a catch to draw myself into an elusiveness. 

It was last year, I don't have to mention what was the event. 

All these years, I learnt how to stand by myself. I learnt how to not cling on someone's shoulder to get healed. I learnt how to have my own hope when theres people condescend you down. How destructive and disruptive your day had been, it was you who can eventually reclaim the positive side of yours. No matter how people perceived you to be, it was you who know yourself better than other do. 

My eyes locked at the book. 

My hands glued to the cover. 

My heart attached to memories that flow along with it. 

Again I smiled. 

the last hug

I find it's unusual for me to not have this blog updated for any longer than a month, but it just happened. I have tonnes to write about, to rant on, to spill out, yet the words stuck somewhere in my mind and i couldn't even structure it accordingly.

"it's hard graduating isn't it?"
honestly, i can't tell how to feel now. a part of me felt the unimaginably excitement but the other part of me defies and hostilely forces me to have a suffocatingly mental and emotional mess. and yes, the latter one supervened upon the former. well, i'm not here to talk about my dilemmas between pursuing postgraduate or to 'enslave' myself first in the corporate world. that, i'll write in another entry.
-------------------------------------

This is about, them. 

I somehow couldn't express how it is unfathomably blissful to have this 7 people in my life. Aqilah with her weird life principles, Hidayu with her laughable slow-ploking but cute and Nailah with her life philosophies and genuine emotional expression. Amir and his strong character, Faiz and his honesty, Fattah and his dynamic way of viewing life, and Muhaimin with his self-proclaimed charm and appealing personality. (ps; i did not sort you guys based on my favourites, and i need to say this as that is what you always argued about)

Whenever i stared at this photo, something stirred in me. The slight emotional feeling exhibiting from nowhere to be noticed that i had when i captured this piece is still fresh. The silent whisper that rippled across my heart the moment i palmed the phone and ready to click. I'll picture this, and capture all the moods in it. And it happened. I know it is not for me to say "why i haven't met them since the earlier days?", but that is what always hovering in my mind these recent nights. Our path coincided on the mutual path, which is having the mutual interest in intellectual ideas, orator's skills and then it gradually formed to something more profound. (luls ye lah tu) 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we your favourite and will you not forget us?"

The ultimate answer my heart wanted to say right away is yes. How could there exist any replacement. But my mind had this unreasonable battle which i myself couldn't fathom and as far as i remembered, my actual answer is repelling when my mouth uttered "well not really, if i happened to meet someone more interesting than you guys? why not?" 

I might scar their expectation at that very moment and turned them down, but I also couldn't reason my answer. Then the topic faded. 

"Kak Nadiyah, are we creative and awesome?" 

Again what came from me was 'No', which also don't ask me why i said that when all that i really and actually wanted to admit that they're the pieces i couldn't tear away from my life. 

I conceded. I don't know what pride i'm trying to stand for of not saying what i actually meant. When Nailah hugged me tightly that night and said "love you kakya" i honestly wanted to reply to that but it seemed the air of words stuck within me. So what i did respond was a sincere smile and with my eyes telling i'm sorry for my own self. If the Little Man from the Paperboy suffered from speech pathology and stuttering, I think i'm burdening myself with this 'speaking-what-is-truly-felt impediment'

And yeah, recalling back those years, I've hurt many by this 'disease' 

It is not about i have to be cheesy and all about when having to say the real means, but you know, when you yourself realised that your time with them is limited, why not saying it straight away without the unnecessary detours? This is because i pondered upon what i've learnt from them. They are so honest with their self and feeling. When Faiz was of no bother of anything and started to spoke out his mind about Amir's style of explaining thing which if i were Amir i would just cry and say "stop it faiz could you just say it to my face after this or could you just kindly accept me for who i am and bear with me?", when Nailah's eyes guttered with tears of people bruising her principle, Fattah expressing his uncomfortableness, and the monumental moments when Hidayu shoot every bullets in her and fire everything out of her then the awkwardness and silence descended

I don't know. If there's one thing i value from them (apart from giving me this sense of belonging), is what honesty and being true to our own heart actually means. And when i say that, it doesn't confine to verbalising love. It is surpassing any sense that what our heart and inner self actually wanted to voice it out loud but something in us refrained us from it thus eventually portraying the opposite. Maybe you will say that being able to utter verbally is not necessarily the sign of us being true to our self. I say, it is. Because the struggle is real so if we really are true to what we feel, we can actually verbalise it. And I never did successfully surmount the hurdle. Pity me, always defying herself and reluctant to be objective. 

For indirectly teaching me this, thank you.

I will truly miss them. To the point that my future spouse should get to know them and accept this 7 kids as the precondition to enter my life. Haha, selingan. 

Provided that i'm no a thinker like them, jauh sekali seorang pemuisi, i can't conduct a random discussion about the history of christianity atau apatah lagi nak bercakap atas kapasiti dan ilmu seperti mereka. I rarely pointed out my thoughts because I like listening to them. We talked about every topic existing in this world. From what L'oreal shampoo has to effect man's hair to why anak muda inclined to UMNO and then departed to the opposition side. From what is the hukum of smoking to the philosophy of polygamy. From what it means to be apologetic to the stages of noble people. From the 12 apostles story to why we should watch Da Vinci Code. From the open talk issue to MACS updates. From Yes/No games to sudden MPV conversation. From the topic of dreams and reality to the science of epilepsy. Literally everything. 

My days here are numbered. Finals are approaching. I need to get over my 'graduating crisis' quickly. And, I, have to be all armed to bade my farewell and giving my last hug to every single significant person to me. 

Malam yang indah

Irama bermadah

Ceritera yang disingkap

Melodi hati yang terungkap

Tuhan jangan Kau seka

Tangis bahagia yang kian dirasa

Selagi hayat berbaki

Ku kenang kalian dalam doa dan abdi

Dalam kenangan dan memori

Dalam kata bisu

Dalam perpisahan sendu

Dalam bisik merdu

Aku, ada. 

(Menunggu subuh, 24 Mei 2015) 

-----------------

A line i'll always keep in mind; "we're here not to judge, we're here to listen" 

I stumbled upon a quote just now that JK Rowling taught us;

"The stories that we love stay with us" 

Just when i miss my family, I'll listen to our song, I'll watch the movies we used to watched together and I'll sleep with their photo on my lap. I guess this implies the same. 

I don't know how to end this entry. And i don't where is this heading to. 

But I do know, my (our) story didn't end here. It'll continue sparking in an exclusive box of collection called; memory. 

 See You Again- Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth

Take care. See you again :)

Penal code

It is treacherous

Purposely set up

Injustice whirls

Propagating trivialities

The verdict is unanimous;

Die. 

serendipity is still is

it kinda tickling to think of how we were hurled by our own emotional thoughts back then, without even realising that things might turn out otherwise.

because that is what currently happening.

remember April's Serendipity?
it's today, 9th April.

(the last year's post)

serendipity is still is, the only thing that differs is how the day will be perceived. well to be frank i can't even seem to distinguish. a year before i was filled with so much emotion that my head started to throb thinking of how could i be that sentimental? luls. and a year after, i am still, tanked with emotion.

the obtrude reality is that how things have already changed dramatically. yeah, i kinda always sway away every time it came to intrude my mind, dodging the topics that my thoughtless trance chose to wander to. i've succeeded in my academical revenge mission (and still many yet to come, ameen) i've surpassed the challenge to be a person devoid with love connotation in her daily use, which i deem as an ultimate escapist.

but yes it still. the sight and the slight thought of it still dredged up some sad memories. i tried to be strong and place it all in complete oblivion. but God knows i can't. it is not my strong suit for this moment. amidst of gluing my shattered pieces, and when i finally able to patch it altogether, there's this wind that blew away my jointed pieces and cracked the hope of getting mended.

this date is either to dwell and mourn. or to rise and hype.

and i'm always tilted to the former.

this elusiveness and subtleties shall stop. i already command them to stop. but i don't get why they always find their way to defy me. such a disrespectful mind.

goodnight. 

how to be happy

I'm now in line for Mabdaie Ijazah. Just to tune down my degree of nervousness, i chose to write here.  

Yesterday, was such a day. 

I'm silenced when a friend uttered to me when i offered for a talk over a cup of coffee "taknak jumpa nadiyah, nanti kte stress" 

Lips pursed and my emotion that just get elated a while ago plunged down to sudden deterioration when a good friend of mine said "awak nak cakap pasal tu? kalaulah diorg tahu how you manage your money" 

A something in me stirred and reacted when i sensed a change in intonation of a friend out of telling her i passed the exam (while the others failed, and to the fact that i didnt study so i get the unjustified feeling). What even more unsettling is because she's one of them. 

I struggled hard to sleep thinking of not receiving a single congratulation from them. I dont know how to be happy over the offer. I still have that side in me, yeh. 

I'm squeezed in the middle when its my own closest friend is having her moment of self intimidation against me. 

Perhaps a good news for you is considered otherwise for others

And a bad thing for you is regarded a satisfactory matter for others

I never intended to trade my (temporarily) life achievement for my friends' tears. Neither i'm oblivious and deliberately insensitive of their devastations. I never am. 

And if my accomplishment is resulted to such detrimental emotional/psychogical effects for others, how could i be happy anymore? 

I'm afraid of failure

And i cant stand victory

But if this means to distance us, whats there left to be celebrated? 

Why cant we be happy without having to be sad? 

You tell me, how? 

Lama

Ada yang lama kian pudar, 

Ada yang lama makin segar

Ada yang lama aku benci,

Ada yang lama aku ingati

Ada yang lama aku buang,

Ada yang lama aku kenang

Ada yang lama kian pergi belayar jauh,

Ada yang lama kembali memasak sauh

Benar, 

Tak semua yang lama kita keji dan caci

Tak semua yang lama kita puja dan cinta

Dan aku yakin kamu itu, 

Menjadinya yang satu, kadangnya yang kedua 

Biar yang mana-mana,

Adalah itu, 

Tetap juga yang lama

concluding egypt trip

i roughly paragraph my conclusion for my 8 days Egypt trip during my last day there. comparing to my several trips before, let alone this trip-note to be my first piece that I successfully publish here. so, here it is. 

Sinai ; An Unraveled Quest.

1) we walked on the land full with histories. the past histories that once occurred there seem to be connected with our present moments, in so many unfathomable ways. how perfectly Allah encapsulated Musa's life and struggling moments, here. This piece of parched land consists of every single part of his remains, regardless of the presence of the physical remains or not. Well, memories live in moments and times, they say.

the land of Egypt is truly a validate proof that Allah will never ever abandon us. if there's anyone who'll know our drained souls, its no one but Him. He knows that we've tried, He knows that we're scared of what might happen, He knows our fear of rejection, he knows what makes us intimidated and what makes us degenerated. and all that He asked Musa, and all of us to do was to settle our hand to the chest, inni ma'akuma asma'u wa ara. He consoles our shivers with His soothing coax, that He's there with us, listening and witnessing. He's indeed there with every utterance of pain and strangles of emotions. He just wants us to, believe. and don't ever be afraid to step forward. to be scared of anything is normal, that proves our limitations and bringing us to the realisation that what wholes us is our faith and trust, to Him. and only Him.

thus, whats the reason to give up? to step back? none.

2) i'll never forget the silent whisper i secretly muttered, with eyes locked to the Qarun's lake. may i'll not be strayed by any means of disobediences. may everything that He bestowed me upon will just cascade me down towards the very basis, to savour and devour more and more pleasant vaults and bounties in His paradise. Allahuma 'jalni 'abdan syakura.

3) faith and trust. the wondering on how Musa's mom obediently and religiously flows Musa along Sungai Nil is truly perplexing. and her faith to Allah's promise of returning her son back surpassing anything else and then to faithfully place Musa down and handing him to the ultimate shield and protection of Allah. it stifles me much more to think about her emotion on the very moment she's about to lay Musa down and let the cradle rivers. then all she could do was just watching the cradle streams away till it's far from to be sought. i just...cant. Allah describes it well in surah al-Qasas how unsettled and numbed the feeling of the mother. just then Allah revealed the plan that He had decreed upon to the which He'll certainly reunite both of them. He certainly will.

and again.
He just want us to, believe.

3 of us were so emotionally overwhelmed by this story along our Sg Nil cruise.
and it'll never cease to be forgotten :)

4) so, for the presence of this two trip mates, i thank Allah for converging our paths together. misunderstand sehari dua tu normal lah kan. haha

5) we thank people for the memories created along being together, but we will never compromise and cross any boundaries distinguishing friendliness and alienity. feigning indifference is somehow a perfect distinctive feature one could have. luls

6) perhaps we can elate our emotion to the utmost exhilarating joyousness and happiness, yet we can never deny that our mind still has its own preferable unnoticeable way to drift. and when it did it'll eventually found the same thing all over again. just then you know you're whorled by your thoughts, how spiralled you are and you were to certain particular memories, moments and person. 

7) how people could be so unimaginably kind-hearted? thank you akhawats :) none of you haven't taught me that being a stranger is not that scary though

8) Egypt is undoubtedly rich with soooo many resources and lucrative incomes for the country. just imagine how Suez Canal can actually elevate Egypt to a higher standard of economic distinction and a proper socio-economic. so its devastatingly frustrating that the corruptions here and there, voids and breach of trust, mismanagements and crisis forcefully forcing the innocence to be the pawn of the game and inevitably creating chaotic life phenomena of the citizen from the politics imposed by the authoritarian power of the 'leaders'. its unfair. and its ridiculous. 

9) on the other hand, theres a group struggling for their people's worth and drenching every part of them for the sake of reviving the withered and wilt islamic spirit, the wavering and weariness of egyptian people. i've been in their manhaj ever since i was born, but only when i witnessed the historical effects of it, was the unforgettable moment when i regain my senses. had it not been because of the land that witnessed their struggle and blood, i'll not fell the way i'm feeling right now. so whats exactly i'm feeling aaa? haha.

10) i discovered my slight sight disability in Alex. and i feel very buta you know. so yeah, i'm with spectacles now.

11) i enjoyed the nature, the sea breeze, the mountains very much. never failed to be entranced by the golden syrup of the sky. which obviously couldn't be put to words.

12) oh and one more, we didn't visit Giza because we didn't feel like it. haha. well. siapa kata pergi mesir memang kena tengok benda bentuk pyramid itu?

regardless the flu i had on the last day, the day i wrote this;
i've created memories, alhamdulillah.

till then (:

-----
ps: i didn't tell my parents that i still have to sit a paper a day after my trip. exam postpone disebabkan salju sonata. nasib baik score subject postpone itu. heh. 

Rasa pada kata-kata

Ada rasa pada kata-kata

Aku mengenalmu daripada kata-kata

Dan aku merasa cukup dengan itu

Pertemuan kita adalah pertemuan antara pikiran

Dan aku merasa cukup dengan itu

Aku mengenalmu melalui kata-kata

Cara berfikir yang aku sukai, sejak pertama kali membaca

Ejaan hurufnya yang aku kenali

Aku mengenalmu melalui kata-kata

Pada setiap rasa yang kau sematkan dalam cerita

Aku, jatuh cinta pada kata-kata

Pada setiap hal yang kamu tuangkan

Aku seolah menjadi samudera,

Dan siap menerima apa pun dari itu

Aku jatuh cinta pada kata-kata

Adalah alasan yang cukup kuat untuk mengenal pikiranmu

Sampai pada suatu hari kita pertama bertemu

Kita seolah telah mengenal, begitu lama sekali

matahari kepada bumi

it's my first post in 2015. happy new year!

Later that day puan kimo introduced to me a soundcloud account named Suaracerita. She reasoned enough on that introducing, so i just randomly played the whole playlist. Basically the account is a poem declamation, in Indonesian. I found it so, amusing. I sometimes moved with the words, the implicit meanings.

So here i rewrote the poem, one of them which i was tilted by an unknown feeling to replay it. It's kinda awkward though, as it has so many 'cinta' words, i found myself so weird typing it. Luls. I want to do a proper citation but i don't know to whom i should give the acknowledgment. Lets settle with just the soundcloud account :)

This is, a love poem. Don't judge me hahahaha
-----------------------

Matahari Kepada Bumi

Ajari aku menggunakan pena
Akan ku tulis gemercik air
Udara dingin, kabut senja,
Sampai daun gugur

Matahari kepada bumi,
Matahari tidak pernah meninggalkan bumi sekalipun bumi tak mampu melihatnya
Entah oleh mendung gelap atau hujan lebat
Sekalipun bumi tidak merasakan kehadirannya di malam hari,
Matahari titipkan cintanya kepada bulan
Memberi ruang kepada bumi agar bumi faham,
Bahawa ada atau tiadanya matahari,
Langit tetaplah menawan

Matahari tidak pernah meninggalkan bumi
Pada jarak yang sama bertahun-tahun

Mungkin, sekadar ini hubungan antara matahari dan bumi
Tidak untuk saling berdekatan
Namun, dengan jarak yang cukup aman; untuk saling mencintai

Mencintai itu tidak semestinya harus memiliki dan selalu berdekatan, bukan?
Tidak semestinya cinta itu harus bertemu dan bersatu
Cinta tanpa pertemuan bisa saja terjadi
Seperti ketika saya mencintai orang pada masa depan,
Yang bahkan belum pernah saya temui

Cinta yang diwujudkan dalam doa dan perbaikan diri
Matahari dan bumi juga begitu
Pada jarak yang aman, keduanya bersinergi

Cinta yang baik adalah yang mampu membuat energi keduanya menjadi berlipat
Cinta yang meniadakan salah satu, atau keduanya, bukan cinta namanya
Walau ia katanya berkorban

Cinta ialah pada ketika kamu berasa energi berlipat ketika kamu bersamanya
Dan, cintamu membuat hal yang sama kepadanya

Justeru, jika kalian saling meniadakan,
Lebih baik tidak perlu bersatu

Kerna percayalah,
Segala sesuatu tidak harus seperti apa yang kita inginkan dan pikirkan
Sekalipun kita mempunyai rencana terbaik
Percayalah,
Rencana Allah jauh lebih baik

Seperti matahari kepada bumi

----------------------

So i think i have an answer to a common question nowadays. Who do i like?

A someone i haven't met yet. Or perhaps i've already met, but the feeling is yet to occur. Let the time tells. Masa ini, ialah masa untuk perbaikan diri.

ps;
okay serious kelakar post ni haha. Again, don't judge me. Pray for my finals (it's next week for god's sake!)