Revenge

hey. 

i wanted to write last night but sakinah refrained me to. and moreover i was too emotionally exhausted that the only emotion i could ever arouse inside of me were next to anger and vengeance. and the tears sluicing down my cheek was nothing more than tears out of remorseful and regretful feeling. 

i recalled lyrics from Michael Buble- Haven't Met You Yet which i was silenced in an awe by my junior's performance during Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan Akademik two days before ; 

"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times i stopped keeping track"

in this story, i feel like i'm the Berta in The Devil and Miss Prym. 

i'm casted as the Sully in The First Call from Heaven

i'm pictured well enough as the Hasan in The Kite Runner

not to forget the strong and pity Mariam in A Thousand Splendid Sun

Fatima in The Alchemist

and maybe, as to celebrate the famous Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck, i'm the Zainudin. 

Long before we were born, Allah has already executed a life long plans for us. Then on the other hand, we long to know hows the plans had been. Forgetting that many are yet to come. And many also had already been marked out. 

People may deny your worth. They might also demote your value. Devaluing your significance. Then, who's there left to rise up your ownself if it's not yourself? 

I won't give in to any self despair, deluding myself to any emotional voids. 

It's life anyway. I have so much to achieve, to revenge for. 

And just to note, to elevate our self-worth is to know we are worth of something.

Something that we can thank our self later. 

I never felt so strong and triumphant before, thanks to yesterday; i feel so relieved and free. Well at least the unspoken pact has come to its end. Tho it was not as i wanted it to be- properly. 

Maybe i did tear up, but its just as a sign of strength and perseverance. 

And maybe i did struggle enough to sleep, but its nothing more than just indicating my self-regains. 

"I can almost touch your fear" ; says the stranger to Chantal in the forest, arming a handgun that could shatter any element of body to pieces. 

the dialogue kept hovering around my head since yesterday. what was my utmost fear actually? and did anything almost touch my fear? thus prevailing any one of each sides of myself? 

i can't seem to answer. 

anyway anyhow, 

we can always be the master of all things that try to enslave us. Though they're threatening us to engulf us with their spell. the real enemies are not who or what were put there to test your courage. but they are the cowards that were there to test your weaknesses. 

perhaps this matter did nearly touch the delicate part of my fear and courage. but as far as i'm concerned, the desire that sets us upward is superseding the cowardice that tries to pull us down. 

emotional voids is cowardice, as we are not strong enough to triumph over rationality and sustaining relevant thoughts. to surrender beneath the toppling down of life is also that, as we are completely weaken by the real life steering. the steering is there to test our weakness, so why should we give in to any score or any sense that will make our soul suffers? 

(okay. i'm overdosed of paulo coelho. haha) 

so why the vengeance (or revenge)? 

because its time to show to the cowardice which we nearly surrendered to; that courageousness is here, so bade your goodbye. 

anything or anyone doesn't worth my life failures. 

because life offers more than just academic excellency, being placed at the most desired position in the company, getting married to the very one that we loved (love? doubtless i say, it's very superficial), having the most dreamed house and car ever, and many more that seemingly as an indicator of life success. 

life offers something more profound, 

and it is the worth we have and when we value ourselves more than we could ever be. 

then to make the best out of it, compliancing to what Allah commands us to be. 

Till then, 

To the very then. 

101

1) if you were given chances, which decision you would like to undo? 

2) based on question no (1), elaborate the probable effects consequenced the decision made

3) and if you were headed upon another choices and options, will you remake the decision or settle yourself in another path? 

4) list the persons involved in the decision making whom you considered their views and opinions. 

5) do you ever feel worth being in the decision you chose? 

6) scale and gauge the weightage of importance

7) do you approve the idea of the despicable and reprehensible tricks some people used in their decision-making process? 

8) what is 'second chance'? and do you agree with that? 

9) have you ever thought of not deciding and just follow the stream of the flow? 

10) explain the concept of "you're given choices and you're not given options" 

And deciding not to answer, is also a decision 

Good luck

Bring me the night

Measuring days in the spaces between our goodbyes
Learning to wait through the endless parade of our same old 'see you next time'(s)
But when i close my eyes
The miles melt away

So bring the night, send out the stars
Cause when i'm dreaming we don't seem so far
Darken the sky and light up the moon
So that somehow you'll be here with me soon

Bring me the night,
That brings me to you

But when i close my eyes
I want only to stay
Where the farthest you are is a heartbeat away

Bring me the night,
That brings me to you

-----------
2nd exam finally ended. Now it's another month for my Finals to start. I've done with my last subject registration for final semester in February. So winter holiday is approaching very soon.

Where i'll be going this holiday?
I considered of going to that particular country, just to relax and stay at my friend's. Just then i defied my own idea of going there. I'm pretty sure it's either i'm relaxed or more troubled i'll turn to when i'm back in Jordan, so i don't dare to take any risk. The probable chances for both. You know, when the risk is evaluated equal, you have the option of striking back from the actual investment plan. Risk management, they say. Okay, what i'm talking about..

I also thought of flying off to Malaysia. But i know it sounds pretty useless as i'll be graduating and be back for good sooner. Whatever, still the winter holiday is sooner than the sooner.

So now i'm placing hopes and doa for my umrah application to get granted. As for me this haji and umrah are for those Allah selected to secure the opportunity. It's yet our turn. HE invited to His house, thus He wills us to get our things done and self packed to go there. It's all a matter of rezeki :)

And whats with this song?
I don't know. Whenever i have this song queued in my playlist, i'll automatically carve a sincere smile, thinking of my parents, family, friends. We serenaded countless 'see you next time' and although i'm occupied with lots of works to be done but the visual image of them never cease to linger. I'm blessed. But yeah, sequencing that, the pain of missing someone and not having them next to us is such an agony.

And the song speaks itself.
When i close my eyes, the miles seem to disappear. I'll have myself sitting next to my family, in my house. I'll also will be carried through to those days when i don't live in confusion. Then i dozed off involuntarily.

So bring me the night,
That brings me to you :)

Sabar

Rahsia yang ada pada takdir,

Belum masanya untuk Tuhan beritahu,

Sabar; kuncinya. 

"If we know what would happen next, we never should have worried"

A great lesson from The First Call from Heaven. 

Sabar,

Tuhan tahu isi hati kamu. 

Sabar. 

Fire fighters

The other day, me and my two rommates had a kind of conversation relating studies and life. The topic aroused when Ain revealed a question asked by my batch mates to her, regarding how is nadiyah's style of coping with studies and exams? And hows exactly my lifestyle is, at home? The wondering about how do i really study to secure my academic performances? And without putting other social skills in negligence? Oh. And the person remained anonymous. 

To be frank i'm used to this type of curiousity inquired by anyone. Yes when i say i'm used to it, yes i'm really advocating my commonness to that particular question. I completely get it how it stifles their curiosity that much. But, haih. Usually i'll tend to drop the subjects, altering the topics conversed to any issues other than that specifically me-themed; or what i seem to do more often is i'll reply with jokes and the situation either resolves to awkwardness or laughs. Sigh. 

I thought more than twice to post this. Alhamdulillah for what Allah had eased me with my studies and dreams. I live everyday with hopes and fears. I hope for my life to be smoothly carried through. I have everyday's, 2 years, 5 years plan checklists to ensure that. And with fears of the probable chances that Allah might resort those to unfulfillments, and for not alligning with what that will please His favours. Nauzubillah. 

     

I am also like you.

I have my doubts, i have my fears of not getting the best. I have my self intimidation issues. I also have those moments of hating myself seeing my reflection in the mirror. I occasionally wallowed in self pity of not attaining the best of myself. And our best standards differ, so i dont see the need to compare ourselves with other people. That, certainly adding up more strain and pressures. Plus in fact that was totally unnecessary. 

And to Allah i plead for strength to keep fighting. 

The urge of yearning to be like someone else is normal. The internet nowadays is boundless. We can be like very familiar with everyone's life, style of thinking, including what do they wear to campus and work, the particular names of their families, their pretty faces, a person's life status; either they're too lavish to splurge on Kate Spade handbags every week, or maybe too seemingly lavish that they just bought Chowkit's Kate Spade brands lol. And we can follow people's relationship progress and update starting from they're single, then they hooked up with someone, then several (or many perhaps) cheesy uploads and entries; if odds are on their favour they'll be posting on their engagement and marriage (then mooooreee photos of their romantics and 'halal' love luls, tahu pun before tu tak berapa nak halal haha k i laughed at my own lame jokes) Or if they're quite unfortunate then there'll be more and more emotional updates and attempts of gaining strength to move on. Hahaha okay again i laughed loolll. 

Okay whats my point actually lah haha. Seronok pulak trolling.

Right,

Because of the phenomena we're having today, we are inclined to allocate our times to examine other's lives rather than being grateful for what we already have.

No, i'm not saying the anonymous friend of mine asking about me is ungrateful for her life; but this is me talking to myself, why we'll always the tendency to discontent with ourselves. 

Because the achievement of other people is our benchmark. 

And not our own. 

I always say to myself;

The only person i have to be better of is myself from yesterday. 

Who cares about others?

Everyone has their own fights and land of battle. As for me, i'm scared to trespass theirs. To be scrambled with my own fights is already surpressing my patience.

      

 

Fight, for yourself. 

Everyone has skeletons in their closet, and its not for them to disclose it. The only shown is the beautiness of them. 

But y'know, its hard tho; having to live to the angelic perceptions of people; while in fact you know it yourself;

How the skeletons gradually crushing you pieces. 

Never mind;

Fight. 

Treasure

                                    

I havent yet get over of my kampungsick issue when another thing popped in. I know they intended good, they were urged to say that just to make me not wallowing in self-embarassment and humilition somemore. But sometimes i couldnt help but to retaliate and not listening to people.

My close friends probably already had enough of me complaining over the same issues (and person in peculiar). I also turn to be so worn out of emotions and feelings. The truth is i am really fatigued over this, tho i seem to be all excited (ye sangatlah tu) and so. But i didnt ask for those. I didnt ask for having this inexplicable and incomprehensible state of feelings 

And i hate it more when i'm tugged in this complexity i'll tend to push away people  and disregarding their loyal presence. Yes, they meant good. 

But after all, 

Saying "itulah, lain kali sebelum buat apa-apa fikir jauh ke depan akibatnya. Kan dah jadi macam ni" CERTAINLY doesnt help at all. Couldnt you be a bit more, soothing? At least? And not nudging the surge of guilt and regret EVEN MORE? Yes i regretted that person's existence in my life but you dont have to rub it all over my face. I knew it already, and need not your highlights. 

And for them saying "maybe awak kena settle down dengan dia" also a heart-smashing word. 

Yes, they meant good, they meant no offense. You're the unsettled one, nadiyah. Dont blame the surrounding people. I know, they meant good. 

---

Since the day ayahtok was dated for his CABG operation, i gradually subsided into delicacy. I rarely feel missing home, but this past few weeks i miss my kampung so much that i weeped over not being there right now. 

Then, 

I recalled Harun Yahya's line in Maryam; An Exemplary Muslim Woman which i found the most relaxing quote ever. I dont remember it precisely but its something that has to do like this; 

Rationality is judged based on how we refuse to succumb into sentimentality. Be it anger, passionate love, unnecessary clinging and attacment, romanticism, the suffer from the lack of (missing a person), pride, sadness, exhilarating joyousness and pleasures, wails and mourns; things that we people inclined to be clasped with. No one should feel that they are immune from sentimentality, yet they should feel endangered that any possible time they could or would be entrapped by it. Because the human proneness to it is high and always exhibit a tendency to be leaned toward fragility.  

**Okaylah i edited it with my own words. Haha. Mana nak ingat sebijik apa dalam tu kan. 

-------

I always gain serenity when i write. So here comes my obsession with my own words hahaha. Please.  

Till then.

Nadiyah Syahira,

12th Nov 2014 and;

Surrounded by kids heading back home from school and stopped by at Yarmouk Language Center to play around. Girls gather among them and take selfies with weird face expressions. Workers plucking buah zaitun. Students finishing classes for today with priceless feeling that finally weekend is here after a whole tiring week. A girl sitting under the tree with phone gripped on her hands, waiting for someone to call her or maybe rings for her a notification that they're good. A serious group of students discussing lectures. Non stop cars rivering by. People bidding goodbyes. The puffing of loyal ciggarates smoke that never fail to air the wind and atmosphere; signalling a harsh sign of an uncomfortable surrounding for people hoping for fresh breeze. 

And me, seated myself on this branch, with fingers tapping on my iphone screen, writing this post, channeling all my current feelings into this. Drowned in the stream of words. 

I wonder, how people will describe me doing right now like i did to them; 

If they also have the same thing in mind. 

Jordan, they say its an eye-sore view, rude people and such. Who am i to disagree.  

But i dont know why it graces me unfathomable something that make me to place it somewhere remarkable in my heart. 

Its truly, a treasure. 

The end is approaching soon, huh? 

it's okay

"Syaitan wants you to dwell on the past,
Allah wants you to repent and move on"

earlier yesterday i stumbled upon a folder filled with old pictures of mine. i uploaded a piece on Facebook. it was hilarious you know. thinking of who you were back than. such an irony.

indeed i was not that type of girl who conducted usrah at school because obviously i didn't meet any qualification required. i was an average student. but i did talk about religious stuff, and i could put into details pretty good when it came to Quran verses and meaning (i enrolled into a tahfiz class, okay more ironical bits and pieces coming. brace yourself. haha)

**even my naqibah approved that i was better than her. lulsssss. masuk almari tutup sendiri please. 

when the school holiday approaching, normally me and my friends would register our names to any programmes for teens (commonly known as Kelab Remaja JIM, KRJ). we were that famous and annoying team Johor whom everyone knew as a never-ending-talk-and-gossips team. masked under the 'friendly' term. basically the programmes were more to foster islamic spirits, encourages us (the teenagers) to be a good muslim, to nurture ourselves to fit into the society and bringing good influential values to the atmosphere. we camped, treasure hunting, singing, and much more.

it was a serial programme. there were 4 of them. i experienced just two of it because the priority on that time in particular was to slot my school holidays with academic camps. haha. (well even up until now umi is very strict when it comes to study. hehe. anything intersecting with studies related matter will be automatically declined and demoted. haha)

so what is it with this ironic issue?
because my actual attitude amplified the vice versa. i postured as such a knowledgeable religious lady with her tudung labuh (rasmi sekolah ok), but to recapitulate or summarise my whole real self is such a counterfeit. a counterfeit decent girl? maybe. or maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating but yeah, i always do.

i recalled ustazah fauziah confronted me in the counselling room (bilik kaunseling tu second home aku kat sekolah fyi). she asked some sort of question to the which i figured out the answer in my 20s. i couldn't respond her spontaneously and directly. i faked myself in front of her. she pointed out that she's been eyeing me for quite some time, claiming that she was close to my sisters (and parents). so she wondered why i behaved so, different? thus the meeting. she sorta to bring me closer to her, offering me to give her chance to guide me in my quest, in my growing up moments. and.. the rest is history.

macam apa yang pernah aku berbual dengan Aliya, we conclude that we participated (the programmes i mentioned earlier) merely because our parents are 'makcik pakcik' di Johor. hence the participation. but do we really perceive whats been aimed to be comprehended by us the youngsters? i don't think so. to prove that, see what we transformed into, after the programme ended. memang perangai mintak kaki. hahaha. Aliya said that it was because of our immature behaviour. the immaturity intercepting our rationality of not being too mengada. lol.

and i've been doing some thinking why we seemed to justify the previous piece of us as an immature little fella whom trying to know herself blah blah, it takes time to grow up and know the world kind of sentence.

because,
as we flipped through the history, all the successful figures were nurtured since they were young. they weren't hustled with the social medias and choosing which type of person they should cast to portray, they didnt even give a glimpse yearning what kind of women they should marry and have kids with. they were busy to focus on developing the characters, akhlak, shaping ummah future is embedded in their life plans. their daily routine and time were already allocated to mould a better them. and all the trivialities were left to corrode.

Rome wasn't built in a day. yes. true. A good muslim also wasn't built in a split second; just by contemplating the past that couldn't be fixed anyway.

i know i know. you'll say that we make mistakes to learn from them. i know. because that was what i currently perceiving. but. the regret of not starting it earlier, couldn't help but to whirl and twist around me. i often say to myself, appreciate the past nadiyah, seize the present and you'll never have the same regret all over again in the future.

but still, when i look at my friends who started way earlier than me, i feel completely insignificant. i disregarded my huge opportunity of being good. i have the atmosphere (family, circle of friends, school), i also (regrettably) have the knowledge. thus aggravating the pain of guilt even more. but..yeah.

somehow i can't really accept why i hadn't acquired this particular consciousness earlier. haha.

its okay.
it's never too late.

so,
relating to my preceding quote above; just bear in mind that every time this kind of trance overtaking the mind; it's syaitan desisting you from moving on. it's syaitan abstaining you from stepping forward and to believe in yourself. it's syaitan hoping you to drown into fragility and delicacy. it's syaitan making you to lose hope. it's syaitan scarring your self confidence.

it's okay to regret, but it's never okay to give in to syaitan.
it's okay to feel bad, but it's never okay to stop struggling

astaghfirullah.
stay in your stance.
















what on earth i'm talking about actually... got to sleep now. good night. 

Ace it

I was struggling against my unbearable reluctance and laziness to study. Books lie there before me, pen and highlighters uncapped, but with my mind drifting elsewhere; but only then a switch in me was flicked and something in me reacted when this screensaver popped out. I smiled. 

Sikit lagi, nadiyah. 

It's their hope that keeps you perservere aite? Dont spoil the happiness you've created. 

Examss. Studies. Pressures. Conflicts. Dilemmas. Missing. Distance. And all those sweet pains.

Ace it,

Just go through it, and you'll discover the ease you've never imagined occuring. 

Bismillah. Allahumma. 

plans

ignore the horrid face i made. that was one of our task during form 5 camping back in 2010. if I'm not mistaken, (and if my ability to remember certain selective memories didn't betray me), we had to write something on the ballon, then catering it with love and care throughout the 3 days camping. just to indicate our earnestness of handling our dreams and protecting it away from any harm and danger. phew. 

(ps: tho i couldn't remember using whose camera/phone to take this hideous character, and put it into an awkward piece of me luls. maybe it was just another nadiyah's-scene-of-rules-are-meant-to-be-broken)

------

so. what it feels like of soon to leaving one of our study phase? it was during form 5, in few months from the camping date, i sat for my SPM. graduating from high school just to enter a seemingly interesting world of high school leavers. well in fact it didn't. 

when i had a chat with my batch mates here, everyone seems so joyful and eager to graduate. staging their plans for future. i can enlist them here i think (a simplified version of my friends' plan) :

1) staying at home because they stand for attending to parents is far more inviting than to involve themselves into a world full of risks and life-gambling 

(yeah maybe i'm a bit too exaggerating kan haha. but this is what i can conclude. and apparently this is for those living with luxurious parents and life so its okay for them to just graduate and go back to their bed of roses and money huhu)

2) pursuing postgrad. many of them aim to study locally as they state that they just had enough of studying abroad and being far from their loved ones.

(necessary addition: and their future husbands of course. they can't stand for more years of long distance relationship. i suggested to them; kahwin jelah apa susah. and they claimed that ''to afford the distance with husbands are way more challenging'' OKAY, nasib baik aku takde lagi someone steady so tak perlulah difikirkan beliau dalam garis perancangan jangka pendek lol)

3) marriage. i've been talking to few of them. their plans to get married once accomplishing our degree study, are certainly not a joke i've been listening from the past 3 years time. luls. i won't comment on this. 

4) into-industries. my course is Islamic Banking & Economics. and we're probably more inclined to embody ourselves into this developing sector and playing a significant role to expand it toward a better expansion. so basically what (should) we're doing right now with our life here is to fuel up ourselves with every single essential and imperative knowledge regarding it, and to comprehend every issues revolving it. hence the future capabilities to necessitate people with the actual ways of transacting complying to syariah regulation. (AGAIN, what we really should be doing lah kan)

there's a lot of probable chances perhaps. my friends are planning to take part in takaful, hartanah, zakat dan waqaf, jual beli emas etc etc. 

5) there's also this one friend in peculiar whom focused to apply for any job vacancies worth our qualification in Dubai; to be near both to Jordan and Malaysia. another LDR story haha. (sorry bro sorry)

-----

so here i am, in front of computer, tracing down in my memory lane. trying to analyse each one of the plans. 

1) of course i won't just stay idle at home. its not as if I'm a disrespectful child whom doesnt seem to attend to her parents in their elderly ages. but i knew it earlier umi wouldn't allow me to because she already states that ''aya cuti sebulan pun umi tengok takde buat apa. umi yang penat tengok aya duduk saja. kalau lepas study duduk rumah lagi nak buat apa" ouch sikit. siapa suruh balik mlaaysia goyang kaki je kan haha 

2) the top listed plans i'm currently having right now is this---to pursue masters (MSc in Islamic Finance) kot? but where to study, i'm still in my struggle of solving dilemmas. i am not being picky, neither i am choosy to submit the application and such.  tapi to really further and bring my life to another step is not an easy thing to decide. parents suggested UK, friends also have their full support. JPA encourages us much towards the furtherances to fit ourselves more into this course. but the more near i'm coming to the end, i'm tilted to Malaysia more haha. Malaysia-bound gtuh. 

parents also advised to not be troubled (and worried) of not getting accepted to enrol any universities/institutions i'm applying for, because the courageousness to apply is already indicating something. just not to note that it is very procedural. 

(well, ini pasca aku suggest untuk duduk rumah je after grad)

3) marriage? this particular option is not even an option. for me, at least. 

4) participating in industries is not commendable for me. i'm not interested to it T.T

----

as for now, i'll opt for what can satisfy my parents. 

what i'm doing with my life now. god please help.

valued

every time i lie down to bed today, the terrifying dream of last night comes invading my thoughtless thought and mind. i felt slightly scared, yes.

why i should fight for what apparently isn't written to be mine?
why i should drench out all that i have inside of me for what (or who) that didn't even treasure me, to make me feel it is worth to hold on what i really believe in?

i don't really need to be appreciated,
i just need to feel valued.

and that, is always what i really wanted.

slowly, the uninvited hatred thriving in. and every time it comes to intrude, i'll force my best to mercilessly unroot and tear it away. i strictly refuse to let any of it to interfere; encroaching my principles some more.

entahlah. i don't even know what i'm ranting about right now. 

what to entitle this

ain't strong enough to lose another one.
should i just let it left to be gone?

you, define friendship.

or if theres even any in your life,
since that particular species comes barging in.

i'm officially offended.

split

Sometimes you wonder,

how can you patch it altogether,

when things seem to waver,

and it reckons to be so hard to bear. 

---------

these few days i seem to have split personality disorder. i don't know what i want. i don't what i am doing with my life now. 

kalau benar daun yang gugur tak pernah menyalahkan angin, 

mungkin dituding salahnya pada dahan yang rapuh? 

gagal memaut erat, 

dan akhirnya terpaksa akur pada kegagalan. 

ultimate randomness. bye. 

Aidiladha 1435H

         

*gambar sama gaya dengan aidilfitri, dalam entri aidilfitri. motiff

10 Zulhijjah 1435H;

Alhamdulillah, it's raya haji again. I congratulate myself and overwhelmed with the feeling of being able to step my feet out from the house. No more social reclusive person when it comes to aidilfitri/aidiladha. No more falling into uninvited thoughtless trance thus resolving to stay in the house for the freaking whole day. No more people had to bell my door just to check whether i'm still alive or whatnot. Thank God for my friends, tho :) 

Haha tapi kan, the truth was,

I just HAD to join them with the openhouses and stuff prior to Arief's (thoba's husband whos been staying with us. no worries, the house is so marriage-friendly haha) unwell condition so he deserves the house more than me. Lol. 

And considering the fact that this is my last raya haji here, so yeah. 

A week before raya we discussed (during my usrah) on how to really apprehend 'kisah pengorbanan nabi ibrahim' in better comprehension. As for me, that was my first time enlightened to that particular angle. 

Apa yang nabi ibrahim buat, adalah atas dasar ketaatan dan ketaqwaan pada tuhan, bukan semata asbab biasa. Dan, how to really conceptualize that taqwa stratum, it is a continous process and struggle. And nabi ibrahim's upbringing was headed towards being that very specified one. Despite the ignorance of his father. 

Hence it's reasonable for him being able to serve Allah's command though it was his son whom he laid to slaughter. It was his wife and son whom he left to Allah's shield and shelter in the middle of a parched land. It was his own father he had to against. It was his own father whom Allah had denied nabi ibrahim forgiveness-seeking on behalf of. 

My scattered thoughts had finally jointed altogether. 

The key is, the persisting struggle of shaping a better us is an indicator of who we'll become next in the future. If we cease to be such a lethargic in such a sluggish lifestyle, we'll eventually succumb to life failure. Talk about korban? Cakap pada tangan lah kalau begitu caranya. 

As to conclude, to really sacrifice is always a challenge. Right. 

---

Thank you friends, batchmates, intec friends whom i still remain intacted regardless of our diff unis (we're separating soon hmm), mutual friends etc for your kind invitation (: 

Ps: i didnt involve at all to prepare our aidiladha meal. sebab diorg cakap aku dah prepare solo time aidilfitri hari tu so diorg pulak. huahua tenkiuu hausmets sbb aku memang takde kerajinan nak memasak segala

Pss: i still hv some unsettled issues with sakinah sk. ada ke patut kinah dtg rumah only to cari pasal tunjuk whtsapp conversation. kurang pedoman sungguh makcik tu. 

Psss: but yeah, on a diff note, shes the one i can rely to, shoudlers for me to cry on, ears to listen my heading-nowhere-rants. eheh. and of course the first one to laugh when tears is really on the verge to burst. luls

Pssss: i didnt have the chance to really meet husna arina jannah orked. they already situated themselves to hv a lot of commitments nowadays haha

Psssss: the ice is broken (finally) with shaima. unplanned, yes. cant believe we're 'connected' and 'affliated' in certain life stories. haha.

Pssssss: abah sent me a picture of my family went out for arafah day iftar. with a hilarious caption 'aya, sila bertabah. inilah pengorbanan sebenar. selamat bersengsara' hahahaha what. selamat bersengsara? yes sabar jelah tengok gambar full house macam tu. just to note that anything is considered incomplete with me being out of the frame. okay? 

-----

Along with the feeling and emotion gushing over me while writing this post, i can tell that i'm happy today alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for this stable emosi hari ni! 

Cuti 3 hari, then naik sekolah. Back to classes and books. Dont spoil your final year nadiyah, dont ever you do. 

Maaf atas segalanya, terasa gembira nak berkongsi di ruang stor peribadi aku ini. Sebagai penguat kembali, bila sedih dan resah datang bertandang semula, bila-bila. 

Till then,

Nadiyah.

4th Oct.

Of 3rd year and self adjustment

*put this picture to reminisce yesterday's 'meeting', one of the reason to stay alive. awh nadiyah so sweet lol*

------

Alhamdulillah, my 3rd year study was finally a wrap. It didn't end very well (emotionally, not academically), but still there's a lot to be thankful of nonetheless. 

Okay, so what kind of self adjustment i'm intending to rant about? To be frank every moment is my struggle to adapt. But throughout my 3rd year is my worst, of all (ceh cakap macam dah lama sangat hidup kan nadiyah..) 

1) i'm tangled in a confusing maze of soon being a final year student. the bewilderment of what happens next, and next, and next? i can't seem to adjust myself well in this kind of situation. 

2) the dilemmas to shape my future endeavours. 

3) starting to hate myself more. won't elaborate on this. bye

4) of course, to make the utmost self adjustment with my subjects. either me being an exam-oriented student, or to perceive the idea of being ilmuwan wanita. gitu. hehe 

5) i had to conform myself with many divergences of people and to be flexible as much as i could. i had to admit everyone's different lifestyle, and refraining myself to comment over every single issue. 

6) okay. my point actually is, to actually really accept that everyone is shipped in the very different boats. we're sailing on the same ocean, but not in the same ship. and even if we are in the same boat, our cabins and style are completely dissimilar. i can't force people to really decipher my words and messages. because people are nurtured differently. 

7) my continuous and unceasing mind shambles of apprehending the idea of, hmm human relationship? 

8) being ignored and don't even have the courage to ask (this is quite unrelated haha)

9) to stop dwelling on the past because future is more anticipating, perhaps? luls 

10) and my last point, to really adjust and align myself with the perfect alliance and conjunction of what it really means by striving toward mardhatillah. is He really okay with who i am now? what is there left to be done and struggle for to achieve His pleasing? if i die today, can i really savour the Heaven's vaults and bounties? what do i really want in my whole daily life? 

-----

being 21, and there's still so much to be done. blergh as if i did accomplish anything lahh. 

The 3rd year witnessed my serious life contemplation (not complaining), but i don't even know what did i really conceive. 

confused, and still confusing. 

may Allah lead our way, ameen.

Hello, final year. my days here are numbered. 

Allah yusahhil insyaallah. 

Loves,

nadiyah. 

Never an option

Sometimes you will be troubled by the feeling of to be stronger is not even an option. You have to be strong because your spherical of friends and acquaintances need you. They need your support, they yearn for your soothing words to calm their mess and turbulance.  Your shoulder is essential for them to keep heading forward. Your eyes that can read theirs, they need it. 

They just need, they just need it, they just need their friend. You are one of their reliable friends. 

Preparing myself to revive this lesu nadiyah right now. Gaining much more strength to be the one as mentioned above. 

Because to see their smile, 

Is always a pleasure that i long to keep, 

Forever. 

Nadsnyi,

20 Sept 2014

Along my journey to the airport. 

Hello, final year. 

---

Oh. I havent published yet my 3rd year wrap. Will store it here, sooner insyaallah

Fakta 20

Things that spreading vastly all over our social networks. Been tagged by few people, and just thinking that posting it on instagram is just too public so i chose to put it here instead :D

So here,#20factsaboutme

1. I was nurtured in all girls siblings, no guys (except my abah ofcourse) in family until i reached my 19 yrs old with an abang ipar sulung. Born in Johor, grown up for 5 years in Edinburgh UK and now reside in JB. Will be a kelantanese soon bila my dad already pencen. Lama lagi kot lol

2. 3 older sisters and 3 younger sisters thus resolving me to be a semi kakak by 6 years gap and semi adik by 3 years gap

3. Hence, i am quite reckless towards man/guys/lelaki. I just dont know how to handle them, so i have my own way for it (which i think proven to be a fatal since many had been hurt because of my recklessness lol) 

4. 21 and currently still believing that having a guy as a close friend is unnecessary, so as having him as a special friend is your first door to a disastrous life. 

5. Loving debate but already stopped doing it, i rather love to be a trainer 

6. I lost that transition point of my dad commuting Malaysia-Overseas. And currently abah is in Papua New Guinea. Frequent penumpang lebuhraya langit. Malaysia-USA tu macam JB-Kelantan 

7. My utmost dislike is cooking, and other housechores

8. Haha but no worries, disliking doesnt mean you tak reti buat, or tak buat. Just, tak suka

9. My recent ambition is to be a lecturer. Hehe

10. You can soothe me by handing me an icecream. You can silent me (when im boiled into unreasonable anger) by buying me that. Serious talk

11. But ofcourse i have my specified brands of icecream huahua. Haagen Daaz is heavenly heaven with its caramel and pecan. Coldstone icecream which i had at Namsan Seoul Tower is marvelling with its chocolate mint and vanilla. Baskin Robbin however is defeated by it. Anyway icecream jual tepi jalan kat syarie' jamiah still sedap lah serious. And icecream beli dalam tube kat mall pun sedap je aku takdelah being that demanding haha okay dah. 

12. And, what calms me down when i'm distressed out of anything is icecream #icecreamunderstands (kahkah cakap pasal icecream pun dah 3 points nampak sgt takde idea) 

13. I'm quite oblivous towards hints and mixed signals. So to be straight forward without steering elsewhere is better. 

14. You cant photograph me without me noticing 

15. Failure after a drenched out struggling is worth, though it is hard when it comes to acceptance and redha

16. Known as a bookworm girl. Well, i doubt that actually. 

17. However, just to list my recent favourites. Khaled Hosseini, Mitch Albom are authors whom no one can ever deny. Apart from that, i'm engaging well in psychological type of books, life and love philosophies, conflicts and world crisis

18. Unfortunately i cant blend in into political matters and issues. 

19. During past few months, i realize my weakness is to comprehend music notes. Hehe at least i found something which can buzz me (and others) that everyone has their own limits. So why bother envying over others' capabilities and discontent for what we have? 

20. Finally, i am quite unbearable. Annoying to some extent. My friends describe me as 'bila annoying takde siapa boleh kalahkan dan bila serious takde sapa boleh lawan' 

---

Done! And for sure there're some facts i prefer to keep it bottled and concealed. These 20 are mere (and trivial kot aku rasa) facts revolving me and my life. 

Till then (: 

Another one

Suddenly it's August 16th again. 

For my past 21 years, Alhamdulillah. 

Happy birthday, nadiyah. 

Tak salah nak marah

Walau silap mana seseorang itu pada kita, it is never a license for us to say harsh words to them. 

Walau dosa orang tu setinggi mana pun dengan kita, it is never permissable for us to hurt them even more

Sebab kalau macam tu, whats the difference between us and them?

------

Aku faham ego seorang manusia, lebih lagi lelaki. Pantang dicalari sedikit. Tapi aku tak pernah percaya yang ego perlu dimenangi mengatasi rasional dan logik. 

Aku faham. 

Sebab aku belajar menjadi aku yang sekarang, melalui proses yang sangat sakit iaitu penjinakan ego diri yang melangit.

Ego,

Tak pernah menjadikan kita mulia.

Kalau macam tu cara kau bercakap ketika kau marah, kau tengah fed up, kau tengah bengang, then i would say you are such a fake. You're just pretending beneath the you that you decided to portray to people

Betul lah. Ujilah akhlak seseorang ketika marah.

Semalam aku tenang.

Hari ni aku marah. 

Tapi aku tak boleh luah pada manusia, sebab aku dah janji pada diri sendiri. I only have this space with me. 

---

If you cant control your anger over a woman who seems to piss you off out of your limit, you will never be a man. 

Say what? Yes. 

Boleh marah, tak salah. Sebab apa yang orang tu buat pada kau memang menyakitkan hati. Hati kau rasa dicarik. Tapi kenapa kau kena rendahkan martabat kau dengan mengasari dan lebih kasar dalam berbicara? Aku tak boleh brain. 

Sekarang,

Bukan masalah salah orang pada kita.

Ini tentang,

Silap kita pada diri sendiri.

Ego membunuh rasionalisasi. 

Dan itulah kesilapan abadi. 

--

Nadiyah,

6 Syawal. 

Syawals

Aidilfitri 1435; Alhamdulillah. 

Selamat Hari Raya :D

Satu ucapan diucap tulus dan mesra, 

Ingin dikhabarkan betapa aku tak lupa, 

Meski dalam bicara bisu kita. 

Taqaballah minna wa minkum. 

--

Langit yang sama kita dinaungi,

Cahaya suria yang serupa kita diterangi,

Walau jarak dan masa membatasi.

Nadiyah,

1Syawal1435H

Be kind

A simple act of kindness will simply capture one's heart. 

Thank you :) 

First step

The first step is always the hardest. But once you capture the pace, you own the rhythm. 

The first step is always confusing. Either you do it for the sake of people, yourself or for Allah. But once you start to stride upon the path, the puzzled intention will eventually be shown. 

The first step is always tiring. Hesitance is blurring the actual image of standing up straight and move on. But once you triumph over the reluctancy, you'll be more than blessed for not even declining your initial will. 

The first step, is always doubtable. Will you ever go far, or how far will you persist towards a place you've been dreaming for all this time? How to wend the journey after the first step has been taken? 

All those uncertainties are completely mystifying. You're puzzled. Bewildered. 

Only then a cue pops out, 

No matter what, 

If the first step is not taken, 

You,

Wont even going anywhere

Near or far,

You wont.

Remember? 

A baby's smile and giggle when finally able to stand on their own, and successfully begins to walk. And once they already had their first step, they just cant stop walking. They are just fully overwhelmed to the fact that they can step on their own! Well nothing weird. That's one of their growth development and indication. 

Remember the smile? 

To be courageous enough to take the first step, 

Is always, 

A sign that we're growing up. 

And jogging your memory a bit; 

The baby,

Was once, 

You.

------

Sitting by the window,

A calm evening. 

Meant to be here, 

And meant to be anywhere Allah decides me to.  

10 Ramadhan. 

Ramadhan

Tazkiyah. 

Ramadhan 1435H

Let the battle, begins (: 

Rants #2

http://youtu.be/P7D3NMhWYeM

This week has been really dull for me. I dont really know why, but i was feeling really alone, sedih and too drowned with unknown feelings. Perasaan taknak bangun bila dah pagi, perasaan taknak tidur bila dah malam. My life is questionable. 

Dan hari ni ada carboot sale Ramadhan For Syria under Ikram4Syria. It was held kat bawah rumah. Rumah bawah (Irsal) jadi port utama, kat laman bawah untuk lelaki dan perempuan beli belah, and rumah aku untuk solat, rehat, makan etc. 

Time breakfast, berbual dengan kak um. After few minutes, kak um tanya, whether aku okay or not sebab nampak macam tak okay. Entahlah. Yeah, entahlah is what you replied when you seem not okay without even knowing whats even wrong with you. 

Sampailah cerita pasal cuti tak tahu nak buat apa yada yada, and kak um cakap "hm awak rasa tahun lepas lagi best and tahun ni kosong dan lonely sebab ada kakak awak kot" 

Oh goodness.

Thats something. 

You know, that difference between friends, and sisters. 

---

Ps; august ni nak balik ke tak? 

Tears

And it spoke in thousand silent ways. 

It knew all our subtle nuances. 

Knew very well of every and each twitch and flicker that ever rippled across. 

Biarlah sedih kita, 

Menjadi satu pahala buat kita. 

Biarlah gembira kita,

Bukan lubang dosa buat kita.

Allahumma inni 'azubika minal hammi wal hazan

290514

Amman. 

Congrats kawan

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum (: 

Alhamdulillah. Done with finals for the 2nd sem of my 3rd year studies. Now, cuti and then start summer sem. Lepas tu, cerita balik ke tak balik malaysia letak tepi dulu. Huu. 

And alhamdulillah. Mursyid and Maryam, akhirnya; solemnized their marriage here in Irbid. So i'm feeling like posting something about them, here (: 

--------------

"Nadiyah, so itulah ceritanya. I'm engaged. And kte akan kahwin 23 May ni" 

"Huh? Ookayy.. And if only that was true, dengan siapa?" 

"Tak troll ni weh. Serius. Dengan Ahmad Amilin" 

"With the middle name?" 

Angguk. Dan senyum. 

**btw. Nasib baik aku tahu nama Mursyid tu ada nama Amilin kat belakang tu. Hah

Tuhan, Tuhan jelah tahu betapa speechless aku time tu. Maryam (i addressed her as Kimo) balik Malaysia di tengah2 semester sebab ada masalah kesihatan, and bila dia touch down Irbid semula, Kimo banyak kali seru aku jumpa dia. Serius aku ingat dia nak update pasal health condition dia. Haha. Sekali, ni memang over. Lulz. 

Dan aku tak boleh lupa, air mata dan ketawa once Kimo cerita pasal engagement, marriage etc. yep, air mata.  Oh and yeah, aku panggil kes diorang ni, tunang paksa kahwin rela. Kahwin terlebih rela. Haha

Esoknya, pergi Amman dengan Kimo, jadi accompany setia untuk pergi check up. Oh and tolong pilih hadiah kahwin. Awkward plis. Sepanjang hari kami cerita tentang hidup, masa lalu dan masa depan. Sejujurnya, sejak tahu berita Kimo ni, aku jadi sangat, sangat sangat berhati-hati dalam berkata-kata dan berfikir. Alah macam, the last few moments to give the best for our friend lah gtu kot. 

Dan aku selalu cakap;

"Kimo, you got to appreciate me sementara ada masa" 

Dan lepas tu biasanya dia buat muka. Haha. Memories. 

Hahaha kay, ni kelakar. 

15/3/2014; tarikh mereka dua bertunang. Mursyid kat Jordan Maryam di Malaysia. Aku rasa kalau akal kritikal ada bersama bila scroll instagram tu, memang akan perasan jelah scene ni. 

"Ni upload gambar sama sama dengan tarikh sama ni korang nak announce kat budak permai ke macam mana?" 

"Eh biar lahh instagram i untuk insta significant event whattt" 

Entahlah. 

Memang pelik sebenarnya bila aku dan kimo sangat rapat. Aku bukan team pimpinan, bukan ahli rumah dia etc yang memang logik jelah nak rapat tahu segala rahsia pun. Well, cerita kenapa ktorg boleh rapat pun kelakar. Thanks jugaklah kepada mursyid dan sorang lagi tu kan. Lolol. 

Dan apa yang aku boleh tulis, aku sangat sedih sebab aku tahu everything will be completely different after this. I have 3 married sisters, i know how things will differ a bit. Hm. Ni baru kimo kahwin. Kalau liyana ke ili ke, husna or jannah yang kahwin taktahulah panjang mana pulak aku membebel kat sini. Hahaha

Anyway anyhow. 

I do happy for her. For eventually finding the right person to live with for eternity. They do deserve each other. Alhamdulillah.

Congrats kawan. 

Hati yang tersentuh bila randomly kimo whatsapp "nadiyah, doakan, doakan kte kuat" or "apa ni nak kahwin dah akuuu" or "takut lah nadiyah, serius takut. Kejap lagi lepas asar nak buat official announcement" or "banyak hati nak kena jaga bila macam ni" 

Conflicts and chronicles. 

Aku faham. 

Dan kimo sangat kuat sebab berjaya melalui ini semua. 

Congrats kawan :") 

--------------

Dan kepada yang tanya bila aku punya turn pulak tu, bawak bawaklah bersabar. Mana ada hukum dalam dunia yang kata bila kawan kahwin kita kena kahwin. Enough lah, jadi jadi lah tu provocations ye (: 

---------------

Congrats kawan. 

Congratulation for your new life, i'll always pray for you. You already embark a new journey and path, may Allah bless every steps. Insyaallah. Tapi for sure lah awak bahagia aman damai kan sekarang? Luls

Barakallahu lakuma wa baraka alaikuma wa jama'a bainakuma fi khayr

Nadiyah, 

250514

And may fate fares me better, 

May fate fares us better, 

Insyaallah